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When we were at MC yesterday, H mentioned to C that I had already told him I don't want a divorce. That really wasn't mentioned at all other than that.

Then, at the end C said we would talk (she and I in IC) and we would work everything out whether it comes to reconciliation or D. It pained me so much. Why do I feel that is such a death sentence?

I picked her because she said she was solution-oriented. I figured it meant like DB methods. Wouldn't that mean she was on my side? Like if I change, he changes?

Separately, For this weekend, I saw a large outdoor live music event in the city that had a meetup group available. I thought I might like to go to that rather than just attend alone.

It would be a HUGE 180 for me. It would be condemned by the church we had attended (music, alcohol, etc.). But it's something I would enjoy.

My question is: what do I do about H? I don't ask what events he attends. Sometimes he tells me. But I don't want to ask if he is going to that nor tell him I am going. What if I see him there? Surely other people here have run into that problem. Advice?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Smile and say, "Isn't this fun? Hope you're enjoying it as much as I am" and go back to the group.

Divorce isn't the real death of the R, it's usually just the symbolic throwing of the handful of dirt. But it is a death and it needs to be grieved.

Ask your T if she's read the DB books. SBT does not mean she's on board with DB.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Labug, it's the kind of place where most likely I would see him walking around, don't know. You're saying walk up to him and greet him and then return to my group? Or just nod and smile from a distance-type thing? That is soooooo far out of my comfort zone it's scary. But I'm willing to try. It's a 180.

About the T. I'll see her next week and we will talk about DB.

She did ask some good questions. Like asking us what a typical day looked like for us.

H did say something I kind of knew but hadn't considered. He said he is tired all the time and he agreed with T that he is way out of balance. He had to cut back his going out schedule due to exhaustion,

Also, she asked him what his "ideal" life would look like. He said that he would live somewhere in the city and come and go as he pleased (like now) and the three of us would be taken care of (by him) without me having to work and none of us being affected emotionally by his decisions or actions. La la land, if you ask me! But at least he was honest. That's what he wants. And that's how he acts.

Is this MLC? Do I just wait it out doing GAL, the MLC recipe, 180's and tons of patience?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Posts: 9,676
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New convertible, motorcycle, suddenly needing to change his life, partying, drinking, wanting to "feel unfettered and alive" (Joni Mitchell-Free Man in Paris)-sounds like MLC to me.

H told me at one point after he left that he liked not having to ask to do things. He NEVER asked me for permission to do things and that wasn't an expectation I had. I encouraged his hobbies and when he seemed to drop them, I pushed a little to get him back into them. They rewrite history to fit what they are feeling rather than looking deeper.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Question: I looked at the meetup list to join for the event Sat. night and 37 people are going. I saw a pic and name on the list of one of the primary girls H parties with. I had forgotten H had said some of his new buddies met at meetup clubs because they are all single.

I saw she has her name (+ two guests). Do I go anyway?

I was starting to get excited about the thought of going. I thought maybe planning on staying two hours would be a good start. I don't want to get home too late because I like to have a long bike ride Sunday morning.

I was thinking what will I wear, etc. It's been sooooo long since I did anything of this nature.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
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Not going would be letting your H/his friends control your emotions. Be excited to go, get out of your comfort zone, get a new outfit, look amazing. Can you bring anyone with you?

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Hmm...that's a thought. I don't have many friends but I do have a treasured friend in the city, about age 33 or so, like a daughter to me, that might be able to go. She has spent a lot of time at our home and knows H & me really well. It could break the ice if we see H.

IF she is available. It's only Tuesday. If she would be willing even to commit for an hour it could get me started at the event.

And she knows H & I are separated. All four of us had lunch at Chilis last month with the boys. Let me work on that.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Do it! Do it! Doing something you don't normally do is empowering. You will feel so much better about yourself and it's a start to getting H off your mind. I'm rooting for you!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Ok, I sent her a message. She has tons of friends in the city. Maybe she can set me up with one of her girlfriends if she can't make it. Or maybe she is already going! Lol!

I like the idea of a new outfit. If H does see me, it would make more impact with a cute new outfit! But...truthfully, it will give me more mojo! And my mojo right now needs some infusion!!!

(H just called me now to see how I'm doing. It's sweet. But I'm learning much better about NO expectations. I noticed if I don't ask him what he's doing, he usually tells me. I say things like he says to me. I say, "so...what else is going on?" or words similar)


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
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I've been thinking a lot today since we just had MC yesterday. After all I probably got to hear H talk to an unbiased party for probably 45 minutes explaining why he was unhappy with our M and what he wants now.

I figured while it was still fresh in my mind I should analyze it.

I saw 7 basic areas of unhappiness (of course he had some positive notes too -- maybe two, lol! )

Three of them I have resolved, but as he noted, it's only been in the last six months. Two of them were resolved just by the fact he moved out. And the other two I haven't changed.

Trying my best to look at it from his point of view, there's not a lot of "better than it was before" to come back to. I found it very enlightening. If I want to save this marriage, I've got a lot of work to do and NO MORE MOPING!!!

I think I could get a honorary degree in moping. I'm so good at it sometimes!!!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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