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Abouts time for a new thread, I suppose.

Previously: Detaching from the land of confusion

To summarize recent events - H had me served at home two weekends ago after I told him I wanted to do it through Ls. He's now looking toward selling the house but still being great buds.

Most recent big post:

Yikes, no Cheryl availability until next week! I should have called earlier!

As for boundaries - I have started taking my meals in my bedroom. I'm not in shared spaces with him unless absolutely necessary (i.e. cooking or occasionally working from home).

Yesterday he wanted to take a nap in my bed (the only real bed in the house). Because he phrased it as "are you going to be in the bedroom in the next hour or so," I said yes, so he didn't go in there. He works from home occasionally so he's probably going in there when I'm at work and I wouldn't know it. I would like him to not do this. I am having trouble coming up with the right phrasing.

He also still hanging up my laundry to dry. I guess it's partly because he needs to use the machine and my stuff sitting in there impedes that. I guess I can't really complain about this except that he has to go in my bedroom to put the stuff on the drying rack. I don't take him doing this as a sign of anything especially because he has repeatedly emphasized how little effort it requires of him to do it.

One other thing - he seemed to get a bit irritated at me last night when I went to cook something and was missing an ingredient. He had called me when he was at the grocery store to see if I needed anything, but I was trying to take a nap and didn't see the voicemail immediately. I have been taking Cheryl's advice and saying "no thanks" when he offers to do something or asks if I need anything. He mentioned multiple times yesterday that he'd called me while he was at the store and could have picked something up. I said that his voicemail said that he would only be there for 10 more minutes and I didn't get the message until after that time. His feathers seem to be ruffled for not being able to help. Again, not trying to read anything in to that.

I'll play it by ear this week. If it feels right to say "My best friend wants a different life and I am preparing for life without my best friend" then I will decide at that time to say it. It's true.

As for selling the house - he'd asked last week to set up a time to discuss our "plan." I responded this morning that the questions he was asking (timing, etc.) would be best answered by a realtor who knew area comps. I also told him that I was not prepared to sell the house for a loss. I probably could have phrased it better but this situation (dealing the house) still causes me great anxiety. He wrote back something about meeting realtors together. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

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oops new thread:
It is totally not right that he would sleep in your room. I do think you need to have a conversation about it being your space because like I said before you never go into his room.

I do remember things from our time when I was the WAW and he was LBS but we were living together. He respected my boundaries more than I did his. Why? because he was seeing me as someone who had left him and I was seeing him as someone in my life ON MY TERMS. When my terms meant that we would go to the theatre together, or to the store, or watch tv together we would. Because I was so selfish and so self centered I of course thought that he would have no problem hanging out with me. He always wanted to and was nothing but happy and friendly. I had no idea how he felt in the inside. (This is really hard for me to write because I can see things now that I didn't before...but it's good) basically it was when he stopped trying to please me, I felt all out of sorts. He was efficient, business like, separated himself from life and when I would say something like oh I don't mind doing x,y,z he'd say "no, you shouldn't be doing my laundry" or "it's not right for me to have my things in there"

I know you've separated yourself, your time spent around him, the food and cooking, but don't underestimate how self centered he could be or how he could be tricking himself ie "we're both okay with the split, we're still really close, she's just been busy at the gym and stuff but we watch our show together and going here and here together it's fine" It's what I used as examples when I would tell people that we were getting along just fine. And that was the story I told myself and the story I told the world.

For me it was a combination of him acting differently for someone else and switch in attitude towards me. You may need to spell it out

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Brit - thank you, I really appreciate your insight on this.

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i think brit's thoughts are really valuable.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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pasting from tsquared2's thread for future reference...

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Without mindreading as to WHY she is doing whatever she is doing.

I found it was easier for me to assume everything was a test. What test you ask?
A test to see if she could trust the changes I made in myself.

Again Not mindreading...this was an assumption on my part. One I admit to making, it made it easy to follow guidelines I imposed on myself.

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H initiated reasonably long chats today twice. The first one was while I was cooking dinner. He came down and complained about a work situation for at least 5 minutes. I was mostly quiet but validated. One of the ingredients I needed from the fridge was completely mushy. H spent a few minutes looking through our entire spice cabinet for a dried version, but it was so old that it tasted like nothing. He was on his way to run a quick errand so he offered to stop by the local grocery store to pick some up. I declined a few times but he kept insisting, so I agreed and thanked him.

H later said he was going to bed very early. While I was getting ready for bed I heard him talking on the phone to his grandfather. About 30 min later he came to my room and knocked on the door, and came in. He said his grandfather mentioned something about his father, so H called his dad who said that he'd had a medical scan and it turned up something odd while they were looking for something else. It's not immediately serious but it's something that he'll have to investigate further. H seemed a little bit shaken, he said his dad was not worried about it. I asked him how he felt (actually a 180 for me). He said that he had always joked with his mother about his dad's life expectancy (family dark humor) but that it didn't seem like anything to worry about now. But he did come the whole way into the room to "let me know" about this. He then talked about something that happened over his weekend trip and we kept it light and slightly jokey for a bit before he headed back up to bed.

I need to get out of the house more in the evenings. I was going to go to the gym tonight but I ate too much for dinner! Tomorrow, definitely. H does seem to be checking in more as I remain dim and let him initiate all contact.

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Reading that all I could wonder is when he is going to realize that he is losing his best friend? It sounds like he has no idea what the D means..


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Originally Posted By: needgrace
Reading that all I could wonder is when he is going to realize that he is losing his best friend? It sounds like he has no idea what the D means..


I agree. That's why it hit me so hard once he moved out. I had "felt" like he was so much a part of my life and then it went to nothing.

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He doesn't. His head is still firmly planted in the sands of denial.

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(((v)))

make sure that it's not his quicksand and you get pulled into it (grin)


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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