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So not really sure where to start but I have been reading several different forum groups and really like what I have been reading on this one. A bit more positive and right now that is what I need.
My story is a little different than most I have read but a lot of similar situations. My wife is/was amazing. We both have kids from another marriage and we did marry a little quick but everything just felt so right. We married after 6 months together and have been married about 1 1/2 years. We are both professionals and both of us were basically starting over financially. She had a decent relationship with her ex and I have a very difficult relationship with my ex.
My wife is a child psychologist and has been tremendous for my kids and me. Our family’s blended together pretty well. Her family was very accepting of me and my kids and my family lives pretty far away so they really are not involved.
Our problems –
- Our main problem is my ex wife (We had been divorced for 6 years). She is bi-polar and very abusive to our girls and previously was to me also. At the time we started dating and then got married things were fairly calm in this area but once we were married or even right before we got married things started to heat up. I felt so bad for my girls and what was going on with the ex wife that I spent a lot of time on the phone texting and trying to make their lives more bearable. My current wife told me that on our honeymoon was when she thought that she had made a mistake because I spent so much time texting and answering calls from my girls. Looking back on it I do understand what she is saying and yes I should have handled it much different.
- My wife thought that she could make everyone’s lives better. She is such an upbeat person and everyone loves her so why not try. So she made contact with my ex wife and ended up going over to visit with her a few times. Things were great for about a month and then the ex wife went off the deep end and started causing problems and abusing the girls. It came to the point last July when my girls were with me for a few weeks for vacation and my oldest asked if she could go with my wife on her family vacation instead of going with her mother. my daughter and her mother had really been at odds and so I sent her mother a text and asked her if that was possible. My ex asked that my wife and I come over to her home to discuss it. We went over the next night and discussed it and my ex told us that my oldest was a cancer in her home and she wanted to give us full custody of the oldest in exchange she wanted full custody of the youngest. We could not believe our ears. Give up one child to save one. Needless to say we left. My wife’s heart broke. She started crying and said how any mother could offer to give up their daughter.
- So lots happened over the next few months including a number of CPS reports. A few by us and a few by the school and another one by the hospital. With all that was going on my wife encouraged I to seek full custody of my girls and I did but it has been very difficult and a very long process.
- Other issues ;
o My wife got sick with valley fever last October and could not shack it. This went on for about 5 months with no recovery. The Doctors told her recovery might not happen until she removed some of the stress in her life. As it turns out she ended up seeing another doctor and they put her one a different medication and within a few weeks she was pretty much back to being her. Unfortunately this was not until after she had already told me that she needed to leave.
o When we first got together my wife use to hang out with a group of people and I tried to blend into this group. It was a great group of people and I was kind of excited about having this. However, I am not a social butterfly and while I did enjoy most of the people in the group, for some strange reason my wife’s best friend did not like me. So any time we got together with them she would always make me feel uncomfortable. What was strange is that afterwards my wife would point out how rude her friend was to me and I did not really say much about it. Yes it was uncomfortable but my wife really enjoyed them so I wanted to try. As it turns out my wife knew I was uncomfortable and we stopped going out with them. It was a difficult situation and I even told my wife at one point that if anything ever came between us and caused us to separate it would be her friend.
o As it turns out in February my wife started to make contact her friend again and then they decided to have a girl’s weekend up at another friend’s cabin. When she came back is when she told me that she had decided to leave me.
o I certainly have my issues and things that she wanted me to work on but I was so consumed with the custody battle that I lost sight of what was really important. My new wife and family. I was miserable thinking about what my kids were going thru and not being able to do anything about it. The court system just keeps dragging things out and it just seems so helpless at times. I gained about 40 pounds in a year. I was overeating and spending way too much money on things we don’t need.
o After talking to her about all the reasons why she told me the main reason was because of the crazy ex wife. It is just too stressful for her and it is taking her away from her boys. She said at one point that without that in our lives the other things she thought we could actually work through but she can’t spend the rest of her life dealing with a crazy woman.
o I don’t want to down play my issues because I truly feel like I failed her. She told me that since I gained all that weight she was simply not attracted to me anymore. I was too needy of her and her time. She felt like my priorities were ex wife first, my kids second, her third and her kids fourth. I put too much of the decision making on her. She wanted me to make a decision about going after custody but I kept changing my mind because I was scared it would destroy our family and having her in our family was a huge benefit to my girls. They think of her as more of a mother than they do my ex.
With everything going on above I tried to kicked things into gear and felt sure I could make corrections and prove my love. I started seeing a counselor to work thru my own issues on the eating and shopping. I joined overeater anonymous, I started focusing on her and her kids, I started working on my weight (now down 35 pounds) and I have been trying to be strong.
I had hoped that we would she would stay in our home for a few months until the custody case was done but in the end it was just too hard. Living together, knowing that she did not want to be there and for her she felt like she was being forced to stay because she loves my kids and did not want to make it look as if I had an unstable home. But after trying to make that work for two months she decided that we needed to separate. She said that when she was done that she did not know how to get that back. I was heartbroken. As it turned out she found a house and a few days later I found two homes to look at. She saw the two I was going to look at and one was just a few doors down from the home she had just rented. She encouraged me to get that one so that the kids could be close and could spend time going back and forth.
We also agreed to try and work on the marriage and continue our date night. That worked and we had a few really good nights but that was while we were still living together. After we moved she has had me down for dinner with her and her kids and I have had her down but she decided that she would rather not do date night and has been spending a lot of time with her friends.
It is very hard for me to think that she is willing to through away something I thought was a life with someone I loved and who made me feel loved more than anyone ever has and to do it so she can hang out and drink with her old group of friends. She says she is not even thinking about dating and has no desire to be in any kind of relationship. She just wants piece in her life and to enjoy herself. She had a very long and sad marriage before me so I think she is very concerned.
I guess I have done all the wrong things. I have showered her with love and done everything possible to help her and to be kind to her but she says she feels like we are not equals. She said that she wants someone to be strong and be an equal partner in the marriage. It’s so hard to hear things like that when you are putting your own feelings aside and trying to make sure your once partner has everything they need. Her group of friends was suppose to show up and help her move into her new home but then someone in the group set up a birthday party for one of the main guys in the group (He has the money so everyone caters to him, kind of anyway) so they did not show up to help her and I did. She worked hard but I did the majority of moving her into her home. Then the next week when we were supposed to do our date night she basically stood me up because she was going out with her friends.
I want to think the best of her because really outside of leaving me and my kids brokenhearted I am not sure if I was in her position I would want to have to deal with a crazy ex and have it suck up all my time and energy either.
So at this point my kids go back and forth somewhat and we have dinner together in some form or fashion once a week but she really does not seem like she wants to work on anything to do with our marriage.
She did go with me to court last week and said that she would speak on my behalf to custody evaluators, so I am very grateful for that. We now have a final court date / trial in August.
About a week ago I went to her following Dr. Gary Chapman’s advice wrote down all of my problems and accepted responsibility for them. I told her that I wanted to reconcile our marriage and told her all the things I am doing to try and deal with my problems. She told me that she was really enjoying the alone time and being with her kids. She spoke about her being able to resolve long standing emotions about her mother and talked about her previous marriage and how she had made some bad choices in her life when it came to relationships. I asked if she was talking about us and she got upset with me and said that I want not listening to her as usual. I told her I was and really was only trying to understand what she was saying. She said that she was done talking about things but I encouraged her to talk a little more about just her life and what she is doing with the gym and her hobbies. She said that she could not live her life with my ex wife in it so we really needed to see what happens in August.
Now I am trying to give her space and let her heal and work on my own issues. I am not sure if she is just being nice and trying to let me down easy or if she is waiting to see if I get full custody of my kids before she decides if she wants to work on our marriage.
Just so alone and lost right now.


M-45
W-44
2D - 11&13
2SS - 11&17
Married 10/10/10
Bomb 3/5/12
Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12
Back together 9/12
Seperated 6/13
Divorce Final 11/13/13
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Welcome to DB

Read the DR book
Read the 37 rules.

Keep giving her space.

You are on moderation right now have patience for your Posts to go up.

Knowledge is Power.


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Tinman

Yes give her space and read the 37 rules on this forum.

First step is to begin to detach from your W. Right now all your emotions about why your W is leaving is keeping you from being able to make meaningful choices about your life.

You have to take a step back to see the big picture.

Just from your short introduction it seems you are much to willing to accept bad behavior from people (your wife's friend and your ex)without having clear boundaries for such behavior.

Why would you accept that?

Might be a good place to start by asking yourself why you fell on your sword.


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tinman, i am a second wife to a man with three children and it's very hard to be in that position. my H's children are all adults now and it is such a relief not to have to deal with them or their mother anymore.

it's good that your w loves your children but i can understand her relief at not having all the stress in her life that comes with you and them.

i think you will have to get your relationship with your xw under control and set some boundaries, yours and legally, as TG stated. doing that will show your w that you are serious about stopping the madness your x has put your family through.

your w needs to feel that she comes first. that is not something you can TELL her. it is something that you will have to SHOW her over an extended period of time. you will have to have great patience. give her time and space.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Thanks for all the advice. Cadet- I have DB on order and should have it any day. I already have a bunch of other books that I have been reading, 5 languages, Hope for the separated, winning your wife back, Love tactics, Love must be tough and soon to have DB added to the collection. I have read the 37 rules and a few other forums. It understands that there is no absolute right and wrong but there are some contradictions in some of the books. Some talk about setting up all these boundaries and being somewhat cold, while others like Gary Chapman's books talk about giving space, not pushing your spouse, not setting time lines, continuing to show them love with no expectations.
Truegritter, I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and provide feedback. I do get what you are saying but I am to the point that I think the bad behavior was mostly on my part. She had this group of friends prior and I knew all about them but she gave them up to try and make me more secure in our relationship. My kids and I were very needy and she gave and gave and I took advantage of that. Yes, I know that she has faults also but not sure it was fair of me to ask her to give up part of herself. She did not go out or see friends for over a year and she put her heart into trying to help my kids and me and in turn I was not there for her when she needed me. She has been so nice thru this whole process. I am sure in some ways it may sound like I am making excuses for her but her kids were getting the short end of the deal and I think that was a major part of her decision to separate. None the less I do get that I need to work on myself and focus on making my life better. My favorite quote I read on hear so far was "be someone only a fool would leave" Not sure who wrote it but it stuck!
Scaredsilly - Thanks to you too for your comments. It is good to hear from someone who might know her perspective. It is strange to think about all this stuff and realize home much pressure this put on her. A new marriage having to deal with blending kids on both sides, a crazy ex-wife, Custody battle and the financial burden that goes along with that and a husband that put so much in front of her. You are hit the nail on the head with the showing her that she is number one. I think that is the hardest part of this. I want to show her how important she is to me have tried to but at the same time I think instead it has come across as being needy and pushy but then how do I prove that she is "all that" when I don't see her.
We did have a nice time Thursday night. I picked up my girls and when we arrived home they text her to say hello (We only live about 6 houses apart). She came down to say hello and then asked about going out for dinner with her. We had a great time chatting and laughing. I kept it light and after I dropped her off she text me and thanked me for the nice night and she enjoyed being able to laugh. I responded back that I also had a good time and hoped that she enjoyed her weekend.
Lord give me patience!!! Again thanks everyone for your comments. It truly does help to get others perspective.


M-45
W-44
2D - 11&13
2SS - 11&17
Married 10/10/10
Bomb 3/5/12
Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12
Back together 9/12
Seperated 6/13
Divorce Final 11/13/13
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Journal entry: It has been a very long few days. No word but trying to be strong and give her the space it appears that she needs. I have been doing at least 10 miles on the bike every day and then on Friday I tried a crossfit class. I must say it kicked my ars but the people were very nice and it feels good to be doing something to improve myself. I would love to drop another 50lb and be more confident about myself and while I keep telling myself it is just for me it would be nice to get her attention ;-)
She told me a few months ago that she just was not attracted to me anymore. At first I thought what a horrible thing to say to your spouse but looking back at some of the photos over the last year I can't say I really blame her. I would never find me attractive in the shape I am in! In the beginning we were inseparable and constantly chasing each other around the house but I let the crazy ex-wife and all that drama come between us and it did a number on me. I tried to deal with it by eating. My wife has tried encouraged me for so long to do something about it and I have to admit she tried everything to reach me but all it did was annoy and push me away. So I started hiding it from her.
Now I am trying to deal with my issues with a C, joined OA, reading self-help books, communicating with folks in the same situation on this forum, started doing at least 10 miles every day on the bike and now I am going to join the crossfit gym and do that 5 times a week. If only I had tried to do some of this stuff sooner and really showed her how important she was to me. Hopefully not too little too late!


M-45
W-44
2D - 11&13
2SS - 11&17
Married 10/10/10
Bomb 3/5/12
Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12
Back together 9/12
Seperated 6/13
Divorce Final 11/13/13
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Originally Posted By: Tinman
but she gave them up to try and make me more secure in our relationship. My kids and I were very needy and she gave and gave and I took advantage of that.


Healthy people don't allow people to do that for them. It is a form of codependency.

Healthy people don't give up things they value for others sake. It is a form of codepency.

Healthy people are responsible for their own emotional happiness.

She gave up things hoping you would give something back or she felt her sacrifice was what was required for her happiness. And when that didn't happen, she resented you for it.

This dynamic that evolved in your M is something you may want to look at.

If you Google codependency you will find information on this that my be helpful. There is a book that is very good which I cannot name here because of the forum rules.

But it will help you do it "No more"


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Originally Posted By: Tinman
I have read the 37 rules and a few other forums. It understands that there is no absolute right and wrong but there are some contradictions in some of the books. Some talk about setting up all these boundaries and being somewhat cold, while others like Gary Chapman's books talk about giving space, not pushing your spouse, not setting time lines, continuing to show them love with no expectations.


I don't recall anywhere where it says to be cold. You can set up boundaries without being cold. You can also give space without being cold.

Keep posting. What are some other things that you didn't like about yourself in your marriage?


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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jumping in with a few thoughts...
Quote:
and to do it so she can hang out and drink with her old group of friends. She says she is not even thinking about dating and has no desire to be in any kind of relationship. She just wants piece in her life and to enjoy herself. She had a very long and sad marriage before me so I think she is very concerned.


-do it so she can hang out and drink with her old friends
I know you're hurt but do you see how you're minimizing and dismissing her desire for freedom and independence.

-she says she's not dating (a positive) isn't interested in dating (a positive) wants peace and happiness because she had a bad marriage before you (wants to heal from past hurts) and then you make it all about you and say are you saying I was a bad choice. No you didn't listen. You should have said I'm happy that you are working on yourself, I want you to have peace, this is validation.

Quote:
Now I am trying to give her space and let her heal and work on my own issues. I am not sure if she is just being nice and trying to let me down easy or if she is waiting to see if I get full custody of my kids before she decides if she wants to work on our marriage.

Good on giving her space.
She probably doesn't know what she wants right now. She probably just felt very very unhappy, unappreciated, and overwhelmed in the sitch.


SS and TG have given you some fantastic advice. Get "co-dependency no more". Read that not "winning your wife back" Let's be honest right now if she came back tomorrow not much would be different. My H told me that once and I didn't believe him, I pleaded. But I see it now...so so true.

Also google the drama triangle. It illustrates perfectly that your wife was attmepting to rescue the situation with your exW and kids and grew to feel victimised herself by the sitch.

SS is right you need to get that legal stuff sorted immediately. Get your house in order in that regard. If you kids are in a bad situation that should be your first and only priority for the moment. Trust me your W will respect that and respect you for doing that.

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Sayitaintso – you are right; nowhere in the books does it say to be cold. I guess I am just struggling with how much contact to have or not have. She told me a couple weeks ago not to avoid her and another time I told her that I needed to let her go she asked why. So trying to give her space but to what extent, I don't know. I don't call her for a couple days and it feels like she is dissapointend in me but at the same time she is not calling me, so I guess I just answered it for myself. Hmmm...
She spend the weekend up at the cabin with her friends again this past weekend and when she got home my kids ran down to say hello. M asked my kids why I did not come down and they told her that I was trying to give her space. I felt bad and ended up calling. We had a nice conversation about her weekend and what we were up to. It is really hard to just let go when I am not sure that is what she wants. I think she wants me to still be there for her but at the same time give her space. I guess it might also help to understand that W is a psychologist and very good a reading people.

Brit45 – Oh my you are good! While it kind of hurts to read some of it, I know it is true. In the past I have gotten so defensive and worried about doing the wrong things, I either put up walls or end up making it about all about me (not meaning to but that’s what I am coming to understand). Really some great points that you have given so thank you very much! I will keep reading and posting and working on myself.
Thanks again for the responses. It is so great to get feedback from others in similar situations.


M-45
W-44
2D - 11&13
2SS - 11&17
Married 10/10/10
Bomb 3/5/12
Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12
Back together 9/12
Seperated 6/13
Divorce Final 11/13/13
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