A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 5 of 11 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 10 11 >
Topic Options
#2252944 - 06/11/12 02:31 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
sophiedaphne Offline
Member

Registered: 06/03/12
Posts: 293
Your situation seems so similar to mine. His emotions. Wanting to hold you and hug you and cry to you. What he has said. It all sounds so much like what I am going through right now, too.

I haven't gotten to the point of improving myself yet, though. I'm happy that you've found things that you like that you can do for yourself.

Top
#2252947 - 06/11/12 02:39 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: sophiedaphne]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
s.d. I haven't read your thread. I'll do that. It'll help me to know I'm not alone.

I had an idea here tonight while I'm in a PMA. When H doesn't call or text or show the level of desire I want him to, each time I have looked at it as a reject letter from him. You know? What if I looked at it as an opportunity each time?

If I'm growing, and (appear most of the time to be) happy, each time he chooses not to share in that he is missing out!

PLUS, I have the added bonus of a measure of peace about the situation if I'm not obsessing about him.

I just so want to get control of me in this situation!

Thanks for your post!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2252948 - 06/11/12 02:48 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: reachingHigher


I had an idea here tonight while I'm in a PMA. When H doesn't call or text or show the level of desire I want him to, each time I have looked at it as a reject letter from him. You know? What if I looked at it as an opportunity each time?

If I'm growing, and (appear most of the time to be) happy, each time he chooses not to share in that he is missing out!


Exactly, he IS missing out. He will feel that sooner or later. And, if you continue this way, I'm sure you'll start to notice changes in him.

I keep telling myself... there's no way a person can spend 10+ years with another person and not miss them at all. It isn't possible. They never would have spent all that time with you if there weren't some good times. And there always is good times. Right now, they just can't remember... or choose not to remember.

You being happy will help him remember.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2252951 - 06/11/12 02:53 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8781
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
I just so want to get control of me in this situation!


Put your energy here and your life will change.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2253064 - 06/11/12 03:12 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: labug]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US

Had a small dip down in the roller coaster ride going up this morning when S12 complained about breakfast. Why do little things set me crying? I wanted to say, it's not about breakfast, it's about missing H.

But, I had a great workout this morning so the endorphins were still kicking in.

I'm totally together now, looking forward to MC this afternoon with H.

I'm thinking about my part in why our M fell apart. I'm thinking it's the same reason it's not coming back together. Needy, clingy behavior. I had it during our M too. I find it repulsive in other people. I am starting to find it repulsive in myself also.

I want to be confident, cocky even. Get my mojo back. I had it when H & I started dating. I get to drive H's convertible to the MC and that is always super fun for me.

I was thinking about being me, a confident happy me. And if M doesn't work out, I'll still be the confident happy me.

I pictured the kind of girl H wants to fall desperately, passionately in love with. I know from our conversations he is ready for that. And he wanted it to be me. And I know I wasn't being that girl. I know I can be that girl. And that's who I want to be -- not for him --for me! But, hey, if I could have him back, that would be exciting!!!! And if he's not ready for that with me? His loss!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2253066 - 06/11/12 03:16 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Originally Posted By: reachingHigher
I want to be confident, cocky even. Get my mojo back. I had it when H & I started dating.

I was thinking about being me, a confident happy me. And if M doesn't work out, I'll still be the confident happy me.

I know I can be that girl. And that's who I want to be -- not for him --for me! But, hey, if I could have him back, that would be exciting!!!! And if he's not ready for that with me? His loss!


A+ wink

Top
#2253073 - 06/11/12 03:33 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Originally Posted By: reachingHigher

And that's who I want to be -- not for him --for me!


Love your whole post but especially love this part!
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

Top
#2253085 - 06/11/12 04:24 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: reachingHigher

I want to be confident, cocky even. Get my mojo back. I had it when H & I started dating. I get to drive H's convertible to the MC and that is always super fun for me.

I was thinking about being me, a confident happy me. And if M doesn't work out, I'll still be the confident happy me.

I pictured the kind of girl H wants to fall desperately, passionately in love with. I know from our conversations he is ready for that. And he wanted it to be me. And I know I wasn't being that girl. I know I can be that girl. And that's who I want to be -- not for him --for me! But, hey, if I could have him back, that would be exciting!!!! And if he's not ready for that with me? His loss!


THIS IS SO GOOD!!!
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2253246 - 06/12/12 12:31 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: RoRoinMD]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
Had the MC. H did most of the talking. We were able to hit the major high/low points of our relationship.

The three of us agreed for me to continue to see C as IC weekly. We all agreed it was a good fit. We also agreed there is no point in H coming back to MC until he is ready to make a commitment to want M to work.

There were no surprises. H was very affectionate with me the whole time. We even "debriefed" -- sat outside in the shade in a sort of courtyard on a bench and talked about the session.

I had forgotten that H had told me recently that like a year ago he practically hated and resented me. Felt no love. He said he didn't know why he didn't leave then except he wanted me to agree with his decision.

He now feels much compassion for me, although no romantic feelings. H sees this as a good thing, although is still not ready to come back now or in the future as he sees it.

He did say he has changed so much to come to feel the way that he currently does, he doesn't see why he couldn't change again.

So there is a lot if open-ended-ness to his feelings.

Those with more experience than me can see much more here than I can.

Would it be wrong to say I love driving H's convertible partly because it so reminds me so much of him? It's cute, it's clean, it's an older model, it's in perfect condition, it's fun, and it pulses with testosterone!

He rode his motorcycle to meet at MC. We are so much alike. We both arrived 20 minutes early, both arrived in the wrong place looking for the office. It was comical.

When we left and I rolled the car top down, he looked over at me appreciatively. He had just told the C he wants people to look at his wife and think she's attractive. He gave me the you are looking that way signal. Good note to end on!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2253257 - 06/12/12 12:59 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
Labug, Vera, NG, and RR, Thanks so much for your posts.

I'm not on the high I was this morning. It was an emotional MC this afternoon.

But it's been replaced with a solid, I have a plan feeling.

I had to interrupt this post to go with S12 to the chicken coop. There was a snake in one of the nesting boxes. S12 brought his tomahawk. Times you want H around. But if I DB I don't call H. So I didn't. And the snake got away.
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
Page 5 of 11 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 10 11 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004