at first, i would have taken him back without any changes to our relationship. now, there's a pretty significant list of things that would have to happen and frankly, i doubt he's capable.
That's where I'm at. Part of me doesn't think it's possible or doesn't think he wants to. And that's why I had to make that list to remember that I'm doing this to get him back I'm doing this to get me back. Actually I never was that ME! LOL
I think the sooner I stop having hope the better. Like you said about encouraging their selfishness I think by letting him know the door was open I just let him live in this Plan B idea of feeling sorry for me but knowing that I was there. I need to detach as much as possible. Even if it means we're "not friends" but honestly what sort of friendship do we have now?
Thank you SS for saying you like my posts LOL sometimes you feel like you post into the ether.
do't feel ever that you're posting into the ether. sometimes i read your posts and feel a bit overwhelmed by how you articulate so clearly what i am feeling. like this morning. i can't even rite those things down clearly, but then i'll read what you describe and i'll think, wow, that's exactly what i am feeling
it's amazing how you and ss are already at this point in about 6 months. i'm almost at the 11 months point and just getting to the same place. slow learner!
I think by letting him know the door was open I just let him live in this Plan B idea of feeling sorry for me but knowing that I was there
yeah - this just really screwed us up and prolonged the detachment and doing things for our selves in a true way.
still can't reconcile that with the whole mlc advice. are we interpreting it wrong? what it means to "keep the door open"? it's still a very grey area for me
you sound better this morning - glad you had a good cry - it releases a lot of stuff, and then it can pass.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
it's amazing how you and ss are already at this point in about 6 months. i'm almost at the 11 months point and just getting to the same place. slow learner!
zig
oh, zig. i hope ss isn't for me? i'm such a mess! i'm no good at this. the only thing i can do is see other people's sitch so clearly.
i mess mine up daily. i have yet to detach, i'm still pursuing, and i'm afraid to make H angry. i'm GAL like crazy but it's not fixing me!
brit, good luck with the coach. if you find out anything that helps people with obsessive, co-dependent behavior patterns (like me), please let us all know.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hi Brit - I've talked to Cheryl twice. I like her. Check out the list of coaches on the site and see if anyone jumps out at you. They are all personally selected by Michele (they say).
Hi Brit, i have spoken to Cheryl twice as well and i like her very much. her perspectives have really forced me to think in a way i would have never thought of before
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
you're doing great scared silly - even though you don't realize it - you're much further along than you trust yourself to be.
i know - because i can look back and see where i was at the 6 mo point and it was nowhere near where you are now. i just started melody beauties workbook that goes with codependent no more and its helping me see how i have the same behaviors you describe.
brit - that's great if you get the coaching - i want so much to do it, but feel apprehensive about spending the money.
i thought about it a lot before when i first found this site and the books, then felt like i couldn't spend it (even called them) and now lately i feel the urge again to take the plunge.
as ss said - please tell us what she recommends = i have often though that it would be great if people who had coaches would post more about what the coaches said.
maybe this will propel me to do the same.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
The cost for me was a big deal but I'm just doing one session and I do feel like right now what I should do differently.
Out of nowhere something hit me about my conversation with ah when he came over Sat morning and I was hungover. He'd asked me about my night. And said were you just at X. (because I'd checked in on FB and tagged my friends) and I said no we started at A, then went to X for the game, then ended the night at B. and he said oh of course the game.....it hadn't even occurred to me. Which I thought nothing of until yesterday when I realised the voice he used....he must have it on FB and been wondering why I was there. Now I wasn't being passive aggressive or thinking he'd see. In fact I had such a cr@p signal that I didn't even it posted. So after the fact it did make me smile that the shoe was on the other foot and he was seeing my activity on FB and wondering what I was doing.
In other news I now weigh less than I did when I MET him! And I made enough money to pay for my coaching session by selling clothes too big for me on EBay! Now that's some great GAL.
i've thought to myself a couple of times - that i want to make the money myself to pay for the coaching sessions - not what i get from h or borrow from my mom. so that's a goal to work towards, i would say!!
maybe they do more of "the shoe on the other foot" than we realize...
hope you have a brilliant day:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
