I can use this as an opptunity to practice grace, forgivess, and love nstead of getting upset at his actions, reacting to him out of what I think he deserves based on his current actions, I just thought in this moment what can I learn, how can I grow. So I'm not even thinking about seeing him tonight in terms of how he'll think of me and what I can project I'm just thinking how can I grow? how is this an opportunity for me!
So this was my latest revelation.
Some of my favourites were: Even if we don't get back together I want to be his friend.
Everyday I want to get to the end of the day and think This is what I was proud of doing this, today I gave love by doing this and today I am thankful/grateful for this.
Soooooooo.....
The man has come and gone and I am remarkably normal and happy. He came over played with the dog. He talked to S about our weekend then S asked him how his was. I kinda held my breath. He mentioned an event he went to last night. I had assumed they'd go there because it's was related to her interest and her field of work. It was very funny, because it was bad weather and he was basically saying how miserable he was and how they had to see x happen. I started laughing and saying how everyone at work was excited about it and I rolled my eyes. And I said oh and don't forget it's happening again on..and he interrupted and said Oh I know all about it. and said the name of the event which I didn't even know.
anyway this was funny because in the beginning I accidentally say his ebay and there was a lot of this sort of stuff related, but perhaps his interest was shortlived. But again old patterns he's doing things because of the person.
The whole time he talked about an event they went together I was very normal. It wasn't a big deal. Obviously I know they're together, no point in acting like he's being mean by talking about it.
He volunteered to do some gardening. I told him I was planning to do it and he said I'm here it'll take me 10 mins. I said actually there's a lot to do. He did it. I helped, but stayed out of his way.
He came back in and I thanked him a few times. He said a few times that he didn't realize how much there was and I thanked him. Said that I was planning to do it. He said don't be silly you couldn't have done this. I might as well. Later he said right, good to see you guys and almost kill myself with the hedge trimmer. and I said thank you for volunteering to almost kill yourself and he laughed.
I said I'd done that DIY he acted a bit surprised. He commented on a new item I'd bought for the house. Said in a strange pouty voice "that's a really nice xx" I said, "oh, yeah, I like it" without saying where I'd bought it or going over board that he liked it.
I gave him some mail that had come and something else of his. I mentioned something else I had that I couldn't find and he said oh, I don't think...you can keep that. It's not a big deal. He was responding as if I was acting being overly I don't want anything of yours that's not mine which I have to admit is typical Brit territory self righteous etc. Instead of explaining myself because I had put it right there to give to him and then lost it which is why I mentioned it, I cracked a joke (Michele style) and said hey do want a big plate...(it was a gift from his mom that we didn't want and never used) I said I've got a really big plate you might need a big plate one day...just take the big plate (what his mom had said) and he grinned at me. Massive huge happy grin that I haven't seen since I don't know when. And instead of commenting and saying I haven't seen that in so long which is something he used to do I remember when you used to smile at me like that, I just turned and walked into the kitchen and starting making our dinner. Because he was on his way out.
Because I was busy when he said okay I guess I'm off I just glanced up and said see ya...no hug!
I feel like I was detached but nice. I acted with the kind eyes Grace talks about. He saw things are moving on..I buy stuff without telling him, I fix stuff on my own, I did one small thing wrong I mentioned that a guy I know has started a gardening/landscape business and I was thinking of talking to him about prices and he said oh S can do this, if I can do this S can do it. I didn't like that in a way I'd consulted him about decisions.
Anyway I'm feeling pretty amazing. I can handle this. I can operate in love, forgiveness, and unselfishness.
Aw thanks ya'll. I didn't think I was flirting! I talked to a friend of mine after and she was like you sound really different. We hadn't talked since the bomb. She was like I don't know you sound good you sound better.
Another successful 37rule only I didn't know it. A few hours after he left he texted me to remind me of something. I replied and said I remembered and said oh you forgot to take that shirt with you. He replied and said damn. Next time. So I broke my own rule of replying when there was no direct question however him replying after that was a big step in the positive direction because post bomb our conversations have been limited to say the least. Also I didn't see his reply for a few hours later which meant I ignored it and let him be the last to reply.
This all probably seems very trivial and meaningless but the truth is only a few days ago I was wondering if we would/could be friends. So I'm only looking at the positives and I'm releasing my jealousy, my anger, my resentment. I have to say getting out of the cloud of hurt and seeing him as a flawed person rather than simply the object of desire makes detaching and forgiving easier.
journalling Had a strange day I suppose. I woke up day 2 or 3 of sleeping well. I really think changing my routines to thinking of how I gave love, and what I'm thankful for really helps.
It was MIL's bday. I texted her and she and I chatted a bit. That was nice lately I've been missing her friendship.
I spent the day NOT thinking about H and it was good. I felt really calm and good. In the afternoon I was a bit shakey. Possibly because I hadn't eaten much and was super hungry and couldn't wait to get home. And it was raining non stop. And now that I know she lives in the city where I work I don't know my thoughts were shifting to that. And if they'd be going out to dinner with MIL tonight. Just felt a bit sorry for myself because of financial issues etc.
Happily once I got home and demolished a sandwich and watched a movie I was able to push all that out of mind. I am feeling like a huge huge massive shift from this time last week and certainly the week before.
Glad to hear that you are feeling better each week. There will be triggers (like MIL's bd) but it sounds like they are less intense and you get past them quickly. That is real growth.
I also love your new routine and am adding it to my life as well. What a great way to remember all that is good in our lives!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I wish I could turn off my thoughts and quiet my mind. I have been thinking of everything from how his R can't be real love....and did his ex think that way about me. And did he tell her the same things he told me post break up. But then I push it all out of mind reminding myself of differences. He didn't marry her, she never met his family. Then I think about all the warning signs during our marriage how we never talked or worked things out the sex issue hos I'd had one foot out for a very long time and his away his anger and resentment for years. I don't want to think about these things. I thought by June I'd be farther along. There were so many things wrong with us and I've been so optimistic for so long.
When he came to my house and talked about them going to that even Tues night and how miserable he was and he talked about it in terms of how he thought it was ridiculous. And I went away thinking this is what he does. Agrees to things goes along and then bad mouthes it. Either say it was important to her so I went or don't go. This was a constant in our R and I always felt as though I was dragging him along to things by the end. Or maybe he felt he could say these feelings that he didn't enjoy the event to me (because I wouldn't have either) and I would understand. But is that who I want in a R someone who goes along and then bad mouthes it to his W?
brit, i think when cadet tells the newcomers that we have been given the gift of time, we think it's to work out what it takes to get our s back.
however, as "time" goes by, i've come to think that, as we work on ourselves and become a better version of ourselves, maybe that "gift" is how we come to understand how our s had some responsibility for the break up, too. and, maybe we deserve better?
still trying to figure out this one for myself...!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
