tips from the bad guy, why going dark WORKS

[strongerthanever]

Guys I'm not proud that I was the WAW. I'm going to open up to you about how I was really feeling and what turned everything around. I'm doing this to help so don't throw stones or judge! (flenching) lol

I was once a WAW, so I'm going to open up to you. Not every sitch is the same though...

I had enough of all of the bad things in our M, and once the lease was up (and i got my own car) I flew. Got my own place, everything. My H did what you are doing (crying pleading, everything)and more, and I lost all respect for him. Why? I was treating him like crap and he kept begging me for more. that's the truth.

He would come by whenever I wanted and make love to me or whatever. Then I could ignore him, kick him to the side, knowing he would come running back for more the second I gave him an opportunity. Gosh, I sound terrible. I'm only human guys, don't hate me.

What opened my eyes? When he had enough of my crap and turned his back on me. Plain and simple. When he stood up to me and basicly said "I am worth more than this and will not tolerate your behavior". (not with words, just actions)

And then? I was left all by myself, all alone, just like I "wanted". But I was still unhapy, looking for someone to hurt, because I was hurting, while he was happy and moving on.

And THAT my friends, is why going dark and GAL is SO important. It forces the S to get a glimpse of their future should they continue with their actions.

But don't be so quick to accept them back, do it slowly. Accepting them back as-is right off the batt also come across as disrespectful towards yourself.

"you mean I can treat you like crap for so long, show a few tears and you'll take me back? I don't have to work on anything? SWEET! Now I don't have to change anything!".....guys, you don't want your S to have that converstaion in their heads. Here's a better one...

"I'm really sad and alone, I didn't think it would be like this. Why does it hurt so much? And why doesnt S answer the phone anymore? Was I really THAT bad? I wonder if I can get them back? What do I have to work on to win them back?"

just some food for thought guys <3

[Cadet]

So why would things be different now?

You have changed?
In such a short time?

I think you need to look deeply in the mirror and see what it is that needs to change, or you set your self up with continuing to repeat history.

I was treating him like crap and he kept begging me for more. that's the truth.

Why did you feel the need to do this?

I don't hate you, but I would not find that behavior attractive.

For some reason you attracted someone that did.

Now what is that reason.

Is it something you can change?

[~ kd ~]

Hi Cadet.

jg333 has an active thread in newcomers here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2249031#Post2249031

And she also has one in the "I'm thinking of leaving" which I'm addressing:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2252675#Post2252675

I believe that jg333 posted here just to offer insight into her own WAW perspective.

Thanks, jg333 for posting the above. I am sure that many LBS can find the above useful.

And yes, from what you describe, that does sound very familiar to certain WAS behaviours and thinking.

We call it a script because we do see it, over and over again. It is great to have it reconfirmed by you.

[strongerthanever]

Thanks cafe. It's not behavior that I'm proud of at all.I wouldn't admit it to anyone other than dbers. The main point I'm trying to make is that H did cannes me, and he did so by not accepting my disrespectful behavior. Him living and respecting himself even if it meant losing me, was enough to wake me up. I would love to answer any questions. It's the only way to "right" my past awful behavior.

[strongerthanever]

Cadet,

I felt free to act any way I wanted just because h hurt me in the past. Really it was about control and manipulation. I have learned that acting from fear or anger gets you no where. I have let go of my m. That old relationship is dead, whether or not we are able to begin a new one is unknown and is not my focus in life right now.

I appreciate my struggle, you don't get many chances in life to really get to work on yourself. Most of the time your are just going through the motions.I forgive myself for my actions. I'm only human and had I known better I would have. But now that I do, I am.

I cherish everyone that comes into my life. I don't try to manipulate anyone for the pleasure of company or pride. I'm just Jamie, trying to set the best example for my little girls.

Why are my eyes tearing up? Man this growing stuff if bitter sweat.

[Top5]

This is very helpful information. I hurt my wife nad have been doing the begging and pleading for months. I finally got my emotinos together enough to do the 180. I have been doing it several weeks, bt feel like I'm neglecting the children. I may not call them or see them for a week at a time. Trying to give my wife the space and make her feel that I'm not chaseing her. Any advice on how to handle this. And what may she be thinking, because I notice when I talked the the children on yestaerday, when she answered the telephone there was no anger in her voice.

[NASCARDaddy]

I would like to hear more about how this worked from the WAS perspective. I am just starting going dim (can't go completely dark because we have five kids) and I have to admit that I am scared about what will happen. I just want to say thank you for giving me your perspective and maybe just a little bit of hope.

[a_man_lost]

strongerthanever,

thank you SOOOOO. much for this! This is sorta my sitch, but with a few variations of course. I know that this board is running kind of a "big brother, big sister" mentorship program. Would you mind being my mentor?

m 37
W 36
Married 11
4 K (1 Step D)
She left 8-11
came back 3-12
blah blah..
now in same situation! and need HELP!