But what jumped out to me is as I'm reading the story like I always do in puzzles and riddles I'm analyzing from all angles, I'm thinking how can she solve this, and then she sees the strawberries. And I think oh this is what she'll do...she throw a strawberry up on the cliff and the mouse will eat the strawberry and leave her vine alone..saving her from the tigers below.
But when I finish the story, I'm overwhelmed by outcome and the lesson.
Then I meditated a bit about what my thought process was and why. If the woman had thrown the strawberry and distracted the mouse...what kind of life would she have lived dangling from a vine. She might have earned herself a few more hours, maybe the tigers above would have left. My instinct was not to enjoy the moments I had but to plan, scheme and survive. I keep thinking I've gotten to a place of living in the moment and enjoying the moment but I still have a long way to go.
I think the lesson I took from that was that I should see more things in my life as gifts rather than solutions. What "strawberries" am I wasting on things in my life? Am I throwing away strawberries that are there for me to eat?
I know this may sound crazy, but it really spoke to me in a strange way. And my reaction spoke even more to me.
Wow. This is really profound. I'm going to have to ruminate on this some more.
Putting these here because I think I'd like to look back on it.
Woke up from a dream that I was in my house and saw H through the window coming in the gate. I was upset (noting all my emotions) because I wasn't prepared for visitors. I was in pjs. I went to the door upset and annoyed and tried to compose myself and said you didn't call. He said something about gardening and wanted to show me what he'd done
He cut down the entire hedge on the side of the house and dug a drain or ditch. I was outraged slightly violated and shocked. You can't cut down a hedge my hedge without asking!
We went over to a vehicle that now looking back was similar to one we used to own. Inside we started talking. I was asking him about things he'd done and things going on in his like. It was all GF's work, GF's family, etc etc I was trying to be friendly and upbeat but I did say a few things that looking back were to point out things he was doing wrong and it didn't seem to bother him at all. I brought up something that I knew about but pretended I didn't and he started and then said no, I shouldn't tell you.
Also randomly a fox and a lynx ran past I said I'd never seen one and he said it was the truck
I woke up confused. But at ate same time feeling wonderful in my bed, cozy, and last night for the first time I didn't feel strange going to bed alone, turning off lights, locking up, I felt fine. I noticed that and was happy.
I'm not a professional dream interpreter, but here's my take: this sounds a little to me like you are working on you (the house in your dream). You're not ready for visitors/houseguests because you're still working on you (in your PJs - you're vulnerable). H shows up (because he's around and still in your life). He wants to show you the gardening (something he's doing in his life). But when you see that he's doing things in his life (outside your house) that are irritating it's because it's not what you would do or what you would give him "permission" to do but he's doing it anyway because he's not in your house.
As for the truck part and after, I don't know, but you were talking about GF so understandably it's in your house brain.
But good to take the feelings you noted and think about what they're trying to tell you.
He's coming by tonight. I texted him about the house (strictly business) He said he would come by and do it tonight. I hadn't asked him to do anything. Just asked if he knew if we had something in the garage. I was uneasy because of course I find it hard to just accept his helpfulness. I replied and thanked him a few times.
I know his LOL is acts of service (almost to a fault) so I should let him do this. I'm going to use this visit as Kaffe said as a test to my changes.
Something in my thread that jumped out of me that I'd forgotten about "You can't talk your way out of a sitch you acted your way into" I don't remember who said that, but it's true.
When I read it, I was wondering if the hedge was some sort of barrier to your knowledge of yourself, your awareness of your true feelings and your growth. I saw the drain as the place where your feelings can properly flow. Then I was wondering if you were able to see the fox and lynx (new things) because the hedge was gone.
In the dream how were you feeling while talking to him?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Well Zig I do have the day off and I woke up with the dream and I guess I just have been "ruminating" in a good way for most of the day.
The strawberry thing was last night but I didn't post it. I haven't read any Pema but I will. All of the quotes really resonate with me.
Lately I've been thinking about things in my life where I've not done things because I had to stick to my schedule. I always say I love living where I do and it's worth the extra money but am I really enjoying all of it? There are shops I've never been to, trails I've never walked, etc. all the strawberries...LOL
Grace...I felt like I was working really hard in the conversation. That I was trying so hard to communicate to have a conversation, to get him to talk to me, and then I tried asking him about something. So if I see him as the sitch...and the sitch has broken down a barrier and initially I'm outraged because it's new and I'm scared because it's out of my comfort zone but then I just accept it. Then I try really really hard to interact with the sitch constantly asking questions and finally it says I don't think you're ready to talk about that. You're pushing to find out what you already know. We were inside the truck and when I looked out that's when I saw something new. Maybe I need to stop dwelling on our M for awhile and just look out.
it's like Kaffe or someone said two people looking in the same direction.
I survived his visit. He came in and played with the dog. We talked about our respective doctor sitchs and he laughed that we're so old to talk about this. He went to the handyman stuff.
I mentioned that it "looked like he had a fun weekend" I know that there are various opinions on me bringing up this. But I really really wanted to show him that I can talk about his R and not be a big deal that I can be supportive. He said "yeah, it was up near where we went that time, etc etc" It's a gorgeous part of the country and I have to admit I was slightly jealous that he was away with her for the weekend there. And then I remembered that picture of him looking miserable and decided to not be jealous. HAHA I remember also at Christmas I really wanted to do the whole family thing because they'd invited me and S and when we went he was miserable. and I thought why did I even see that as something I'd be missing out on. family is important to me and he didn't want to be there. It was me and his sister forcing everyone to play board games. So don't romanticise that trip!
He then told me a story about having car trouble (his precious unreliable gas guzzler that they took on the long trip instead of hers which is much more efficient...for appearance sake sheesh) He said everyone was asking him about the car and he meanwhile on the way home he has this problem.
I thought it was odd that he didn't tell me what the event was. If it was a wedding or whatever.
Anyway, he confirmed plans with S. Which was good. Then I talked about a financial thing and he was cool with it. Then I gave him two pieces of art. One that was his that I'd found and one that initially I said I wanted, but I think I only wanted it because I was trying to hold on. He said are you sure? And I said yeah, I like it but I still haven't even put it up. And I think you like it more. So you should have it. and he said if you're sure... and I laughed and said yeah, of course why and he said I don't know it's all weird. And I laughed again and I said it's not weird, take the picture!
I feel like overall it was friendly.
I have no more expectations. It's a sad strange feeling. Her profile picture on FB is now of the two of them. He's not looking to me for changes or considering me as a possibility and to be honest I don't know that I'd want to be one.
He looks rough right now. He isn't working on himself. I've said I want to be his friend and I do. But he's starting to become that friend that you like, but that you know they aren't the best of people.
Very early in my thread UNDERDOG told me to remember that I was meant to walk this path and to not forget why I left. I feel like a little bit I'm grieving again the end of the M, and the end of what I believed about him? I don't know. Perhaps I was meant to walk this path from meeting him to leaving him to falling on my face and learning. And it's a not a bad thing. It's hard, but it's a blessing
I'm going dark for no other reason than I'm not sure what our friendship is, I was the fixer for so long that I can't be the fixer now.
It used to seem so big so massive that this R would be over. But now I think when I'm 60 what will 6 years in my late 20s early 30s really be.
In GAL activities I'm going to visit a friend in two weeks and she messaged me to say there's a company party one night. We work for the same company in different areas. She lives in a city that I've said before I wouldn't mind living in....so the fact that I'll be going to a company event is really cool. Who knows if nothing will come of that but it's a good start.
I don't know why this visit made me feel this way maybe it was all of it and the visit combined. I wasn't attracted to him. I didn't feel much of anything. And maybe that's why. I suddenly thought why am I putting in this effort. Him in person is different than the guy who texts me on Sunday with a private family joke about something my mother would say. And I don't know about any of that anymore.
And again....if I were his GF I would not be happy knowing he was sending that text to his W. That's the integrity bit I don't like.
