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#2253032 - 06/11/12 10:00 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: labug]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Lately I have really been homesick and have honestly thought of moving home especially when feeling alone, broke, alienated, etc

However I've looked long and hard and I do think that in my life I often think that moving and a fresh start will solve things. And it probably gives me a diversion because I plan, a distraction because I could daydream about being somewhere else, and a sense of purpose because I was moving forward.

I'm trying to analyse what it is that I'm missing: comfort, reassurance, familiarity, my culture, close community,

I remember talking to my mom on the phone and she spoke to me in sort of two languages. I had been avoiding talking to her after I told her about the separation...I was so ashamed. And hearing her talk to me in that accent, in that language, it did me in really. Just in tears and yet comforted at the same.

I am trying really hard to separate my healing. that the pain of change and an ending doesn't necessarily have to do with missing H and the M.

In fact when Zig was talking about the situation with her S, I remembered when my S said something to me so dismissive and rude and was exactly what H would have said and I turned to him and said "H doesn't live here because he talked to me that way, you are certainly not allowed to" Because was so cold and mean to me. I remember yelling at him towards the end when I was done with it that he wouldn't dream of talking to friends, coworkers or his mother that way so why is it okay to be so hateful towards me. Everyone saw him as the nice guy but he had a very cold, cutting side to him that hurt me.

I am not making everything I feel to be a direct result of him.

While I thought that the answer was to plan a trip home maybe for Christmas, I now think the answer is to challenge myself to step outside the box. It came up recently when S mentioned a town and said what's there again and I said oh you know it has the big cathedral we always go there for xmas eve for H and IL's and he said what will we do this xmas? I said what would you like to do have our own xmas here or go home and see [my mom], or do something crazy and go on a vacation to a warm beach? And he said what about Paris?

Part of me can think of nothing worse: romantic, cold, possibly bleak. But maybe that's the answer to push myself to do something different. It's a long way off, but I am thinking instead of idealizing home (or a move in genera) perhaps I need to stop that pattern and stay still. It's a theme that comes up more and more.

Beginners mind there are many more options that just running away or starting over.

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#2253077 - 06/11/12 11:50 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
hi brit,

great, great insight...

pema chodron always talks about the moment we hit our edge

and the choice is to either run to something

or to sit in it...

you are sitting..

and that is where insight and awareness comes.

and it has for you.

awesome.
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2253097 - 06/11/12 01:04 PM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: needgrace]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Thank you Grace. I'm going to look into that.

This afternoon I was "ruminating" about how this is my happiness. And for maybe the first time in my life the happiness I feel inside isn't because I have a crazy scheme going, a new job opportunity, a vacation or trip planned, or a R. What I am feeling right now is just my happiness.

I don't want to contrast it against what H is doing. Like Bug says he has his path I have mine. But I'm really just happy that I've found this.

I think because I didn't like me, it was hard to respect him because he liked me. I thought on some level that he was tricked because I wasn't really the person he saw, or that if he liked me he must not be good enough.

It's strange. It really is..but I am liking myself now.

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#2253124 - 06/11/12 02:21 PM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
oh happy day!!!!

H just texted me to say that he'd talked to S and they'd made plans to go to the movies next week. He wanted to double check that was okay with me.

He gave me the details and I said again that it was fine and then said I'm glad you guys are hanging out. (not sure if that was too much) and put two lines on my health issue. Because he's always asked in the past and I would update a friend. He replied updating me on his and asked how old are we discussing doctor's visits. I had a laugh at that and I feel really good at our communication.

I have been on the fence about the whole issue I can't "fix" H and SS relationship. He raised him since he was 8/9 and now he's 16. He included things about him in our W vows and he always calls him "his boy" I have not wanted to make an issue of it. Especially after someone gave me a 2x4 that I should never remind H of his old bad R with his dad. I have also had a hard time the idea that he wouldn't want a R with S, would I want to ever be with him again if that were true, and did I make a bad choice. I of course came to the decision that there's nothing I can do about his choice or S's choice to contact him, that would be a bridge I'd have to cross when the time came, and no I didn't make a bad choice.

So stepping back, staying still and giving HIM SPACE TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISION, (yes DR is right, Cadet is right, MWD is right) and when they make their own decisions rather than you manipulating or forcing the issue you're much happier when it happens.

So yes one of my bridges has just been built. And no matter what happens in the future I'm glad that they are hanging out. It works perfectly because I was planning to see a very girly musical at the theater that night!

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#2253128 - 06/11/12 02:37 PM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Originally Posted By: Brit45
oh happy day!!!!

H just texted me to say that he'd talked to S and they'd made plans to go to the movies next week. He wanted to double check that was okay with me.

He gave me the details and I said again that it was fine and then said I'm glad you guys are hanging out. (not sure if that was too much)


How lovely of him to do this! I don't think what you said (quoted above) was too much. I would also suggest throwing in something more from S's point of view ("I'm sure S would really enjoy that, you are important to him / he likes spending time with you / other truthful statement") so that his actions are less about pleasing you and more about pleasing S. Afterward you could mention how happy it made you to see S so happy, or something like that. Just a thought smile

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#2253132 - 06/11/12 02:49 PM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: vera be fierce]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Thanks Vera I was worried about making too big a deal of it. you don't know if you should praise praise praise or possibly scare of the rabbit by getting overly excited.

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#2253136 - 06/11/12 02:58 PM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
awesome news Brit. so glad for your S, and for your H and you. i think you handled it really well and like verab's comment too.
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2253143 - 06/11/12 03:09 PM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: needgrace]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
I think that praising him w/r/t S, if it seemed like H had a hard time figuring out how to deal with him, can't be a bad thing. (I remember you discussing their dynamic but I can't remember quite where the post was!)

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#2253153 - 06/11/12 03:36 PM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: vera be fierce]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
no you're right. I sometimes felt like I micromanaged there R, H also felt like I put S before him. Something I think is common in step parent R. Because of that sometimes I wouldn't say anything if I disagreed with some of H's parenting decisions. But he only saw the times I did and said that by the time he left he felt like he ranked lower than S in family importance.

ANYWAY, H agrees that S has better interactions with both us when it's one on one time.

After H left he said well when I come visit S doesn't even hang out and I said he's 16 you have to be the adult. Anyway, I am glad that he did this on his own. If I know H, he has been wanting to and didn't know how. I think once it happens I will mention to H how much S seemed to enjoy it. But I think H will see that on his own. He mentioned it back in April when they spent time together.

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#2253301 - 06/12/12 12:24 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
roughenough Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 563
Hi Brit,

Thank you for your feedback. Your comments make me wonder if sometimes the WAS comes back after they realized you have found someone else. I know you’ve been active on this board so I am curious if you see common themes about what people do right for a successful reconciliation. I would appreciate it if you could post any feedback on my thread. Thanks again for your input.

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