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#2252748 - 06/10/12 01:33 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i guess we cross posted back there yesterday - i missed what you wrote until tonight - i love the attitude you are using to face the situation next week with the concert - go girl!!

i think facing things this way is the key to getting to a better place for ourselves. thanks for setting such a great example , brit

and yes, look fantastic - yo won't have to do much - it will just emanate from you!!

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252752 - 06/10/12 04:54 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: zig]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Had a crappy dream that basically I pursued H he gave me slightly what I wanted but he had the power and then I didn't like him anyway and felt like we were both bad people. I'm not sure what that was all about except I'm done giving him power. Whether that's making me feel nervous when he's around wanting to look good when he's around, missing the friendship and taking it on whatever level he wants to give it: I get that I hurt him, that I walked away, that I had a R with someone, partied with friends, etc. but how long do I self flagellate and give him the moral high ground. I'm not saying tit for tat or that all that I did was okay because of the way he's behaving now.

I'm just saying we haven't been operating in a level playing field for years. It's been his pain vs my pain. We couldn't both be happy at the same time. It was all rescue/victim etc. each time I feel like I've regained my power I find other parts of me that still aren't detached.

I am realizing a core difference between us is that he is much more materialistic than me. He doesn't know how to enjoy hisself or have a good time if he isn't spending money. I'm not sure how to make sure someone I meet has that core value. Because he hid it well in the beginning.

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#2252753 - 06/10/12 04:56 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Oh Grace I saw a quote today that is my new mantra the happiest people don't have the best of everything, it's just that they make the best of everything!

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#2252782 - 06/10/12 09:40 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
the disturbing dreams - you could use them as an opportunity for growth - as i've recently found out.

i had a really disturbing dream a couple of weeks ago - and was really upset from it so asked a couple of people - as well as listened to a couple of abraham hicks thingies on utube, on dreams

so the basic thing is that what happens in your dream is probably your fears manifesting. but then all these screwy things happen, and often what disturbs one the most is the emotion that one is feeling while all this is happening. i found that to acknowledge that the story line was not the issue, but the emotion i was experiencing was the message and to explore that and go from there.

a friend whose a therapist - suggested that the first question i could ask myself is 'how could i help others?" she said that question, when she's working with her clients, seems to set the mind off on a path that takes them to unexpected discoveries.

looking back i am convinced that that dream, and asking myself that questions and inspecting the emotion was pivotal in helping me make that last 180 and changing the pattern between h and myself, in terms of decision making.

so try to explore the emotions you were feeling in the dream - it took me a couple of days to be able to begin to deal with it - it felt too raw at first.



"It's been his pain vs my pain"

that is really what happened isn't it - one against the other, the crazy dance, where it's one person's turn and then the others.

h would always say to me that no other couple functioned that way - the problem was unique to us. if only he knew...

i feel that my h hid some of his core values from me too, and i think that maybe was the cause of the tipping point of the beginning of the crisis to start - they are sensing deep within themselves that they are not living authentically, and that off feeling begins to be directed at you, because you are the source of it (they fear , i think that if they stopped posturing, we wouldn't accept them)

on the other hand - brit i will point out - that sometimes when people are unhappy - they spend money to feel better.

before i married h i lived on barely anything and never had the need to spend money. by the 4th or 5th year, i had this slight compulsion to do so - it was a response to h's constant "we don't have any money mantra' that scared the [censored] out of me. i was puzzled why i had changed in an area which i had never been like that.

funny how after we walked out, i reverted really quickly to my old self and that urge to spend is totally gone. i think it was a symptom of one of the pressures i felt in the relationship. so it could possibly be that your h really wasn't that way when you met and you read him correctly, but something in r caused those dynamics to emerge.

just my rankling thoughts this morning

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252787 - 06/10/12 10:00 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: zig]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Thanks Zig!! I will do just that let myself think about the emotions and feelings in that dream. I know part of the reason it disturbed me is that I actually heard his voice in my dream and although I was happy on one level I was upset on another and then I wasn't happy with the way he was acting even though it was a position I'd put him in. I think that's key and I need to think about that later. In a way in my dream I set him up and then wasn't happy with he acted. He had other choices but I was the catalyst.

Maybe my subconscious is telling me that I shouldn't put him in positions he's not ready for yet. One of my thoughts lately is that he says I'm his best friend but what exactly is out friendship supposed to look like now.

You are very true about it was either he was hurt or you were. I think it's very common with the whole victim/rescuer/persecutor drama triangle. It's very very common.

So after all my ruminating. Feeling strange about where do we go from here? What is our R supposed to look like right now? Is there going to be a friendship etc. He texts me today.

So that's twice now he's texted me on weekends. hey it's the little steps MWD says right? He texted me a joke something I used to say that my mom used to say that both thought was funny. That's all he sent 3 lines that my mom used to say that I used to say because he obviously sitting about home (or her home) about to watch a film and thought about that and he can't say it to her because it would mean nothing and the explanation wouldn't be good. Or he's alone. But either way he thought of me and texted.

Again my first trigger response is anger like why do you just get to randomly text me something nice. I'm such a d*ck. I want him to text me, to be my friend, why is my knee jerk to act like I'm on Springer and want to take off my earrings. That's old Brit.

I have replied with something else my mom would have said and told him a movie me and S watched recently. He said he's never seen it. To which I replied I couldn't believe and that it was my fave by that director etc. I was being honest and then I thought how have we never said this to each other. How does he not know and we never watched it together. I like this....it's like MWD says they have to think they don't know all there is to know about you.

Zig, I am the SAME way! In fact when H came over for dinner a few weeks ago he said let me guess this cost you under 5. And I said are you kidding me more like 2.80 because the leftovers will be frozen for another meal. I now spend a week on food what he spend on one meal. I think he was unhappy about a lot of things, his job being one of them. And having a tight budget he felt insecure like he couldn't provide. I remember planning days out that was very inexpensive or free and then I stopped because sometimes he'd laugh at them.

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#2252797 - 06/10/12 10:44 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
Brit, I think he keeps texting you because he hasn't given up on you two. I know there will be all kinds of negatives about that but... I like to think of it as a positive. If you want there to be another chance (and I know you're not sure but you're not definite), keep being his FRIEND.

you're doing great.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2252809 - 06/10/12 11:08 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: scaredsilly]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Thank you SS. Having read your post and thinking about my dream, I think this is a pattern since the split. He starts hedging closing, opening himself up and then I demand something more, I put him in this position where I basically ask him for something he isn't in a place to give like with the bomb.

Quote:
I know you're not sure but you're not definite
you put it perfectly. I'm not sure, but I'm not definite. And I now know that if you're not definite then stay still.

You're right in that there would be negative from people who don't believe in grace. Who think that I should deny him my friendship because he's now in a relationship. I read something today on grace and apparently one of the definitions is a reprieve.

A friend of mine said that when I evaluate what I should I do when it comes to H, I shouldn't think of it in context of everything else: our sitch, our history, my emotions, hurts/expectations...just think right now. Right now is it okay that he thought of our joke and texted me yes.

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#2252972 - 06/11/12 03:51 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Thanks TinMan and RoughEnough, I'll have a look at your threads tonight/tomorrow.

Feeling very positive today: my horoscope said that there's been a lot of water under bridges in the past years and lately there's been a river that I've been wondering how I can cross it, but that soon I'll the opportunity to build many bridges.

I thought that was great because I find myself using bridges as an analogy in my sitch when I say that I'll cross that bridge when I come to it or when I went to that meditation class I visualized him meeting me on a bridge and even had a physical one in mind.

This morning I randomly thought about him texting me yesterday and again was struck by how different we are. If I were the one in a R, considering moving in with someone, I wouldn't text him. I probably wouldn't even think of him. I don't know what it says that he does reach out or that I wouldn't work for the friendship if I had "moved on". The person I want to be would still strive to have a friendship and that's what I'm doing.

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#2253002 - 06/11/12 08:37 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: Brit45]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 710
Loc: South Dakota
brit-

scaredsilly is right.. he is still thinking of you. i call that a positive, at least for you wanting to be friends. you are doing great. i need your recipes if you are eating a meal for under 5! lol
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2253004 - 06/11/12 08:44 AM Re: It's an Opportunity for ME! [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
brit, I love the concept of grace. Sometimes that's what is needed, grace and forgiveness.

...and this is great

A friend of mine said that when I evaluate what I should I do when it comes to H, I shouldn't think of it in context of everything else: our sitch, our history, my emotions, hurts/expectations...just think right now. Right now is it okay that he thought of our joke and texted me yes.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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