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#2252330 - 06/08/12 02:44 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
His poorly fitting toupee helped lighten my mood.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2252331 - 06/08/12 02:44 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: labug]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1684
Loc: Southwest US
Hahahaha!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

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#2252691 - 06/09/12 10:36 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1684
Loc: Southwest US
At lunch today I asked S12 and S18 if they wanted to go with me in H's convertible to an excellent natural history museum. Their eyes lit up!

We just got back -- really enjoyed the ride and the visit. I didn't "check-in" with FaceBook as has been my custom in the past, or H would have seen I was there.

I'm trying to evaluate "more of the same" behaviors I'm doing to try to identify 180's I can do. I know I'm too talkative -- including electronically and quick to say what I'm doing in a chatty way -- just to make connection with H. I don't think that is working.

I'm pretty frightened it could be the end of M since Thursday he told me he can't see ever coming back to M. But...then he told me he'll come to MC with me on Monday. Had the impression he meant more than one MC session, but it's hard to say how it'll go.

I reread in DR about therapists. I'd like to try to read as much of DR (again) as possible before MC date.

I'm struggling with wanting to contact H. I have to remember I want him to miss ME. Its obvious I already miss him!

He's coming tomorrow for lunch and afternoon. It will be the first time I will be around him since his new revelation about not wanting to ever come back. So...no expectations....except probably some differences....I sort of AM expecting no hand-holding, no snuggling, no napping together, no ML, etc. It will be different than ever before. Struggling with these changes.

I tried to remind myself what a treasure I have in my sons. They are wonderful boys.

I tried to remind myself things weren't always great when H was around either. Why do we feel so attracted to the OP so much when being around them wasn't even always great?

I also tried to remember that in many sitches the WAS says right away they are ending the R. And the LBS has no warning. And the DR techniques still work. So, I need to have more faith in the techniques.

Trying to focus my thoughts on the good parts of my life. There are many. Just a lot of different emotions swirling through my brain these days.
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2252696 - 06/10/12 12:23 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
Sometimes I think our greatest fears are change and loneliness. Our m's weren't that great be they were known. The unknown is scary.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2252732 - 06/10/12 03:29 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: reachingHigher

I tried to remind myself things weren't always great when H was around either. Why do we feel so attracted to the OP so much when being around them wasn't even always great?


I think it goes back to wanting what you can't have. Also, absence does make the heart grow fonder. We just too easily take things for granted which is probably the greatest lesson to learn from all of this. Our children and our spouses may not be in our lives forever, so now is the time to start checking our priorities.

Huge wake up call... I think everyone feels that during this process.

The thing that keeps my spirits up when I start to have negative thoughts creep in is... if I continue to do the things I should be doing then I know I will be taken care of. I will be happy no matter what. It may not be the future I always pictured with H by my side, but I will be happy nonetheless.

I think my H can feel that from me and it seems to ease tension between us a lot. Which is a much better way of interacting, IMO. It makes you feel good about yourself that you're rising above.

And, just so you know, my H said all the same things to me. He didn't think we would ever work... things are different and he's changed and he doesn't feel the same way about me, blah, blah, blah... Your H feels that way RIGHT NOW, but he won't always feel that way if things start to change between the two of you. So make positive changes for yourself and see where it takes you.

I hope for the best for you.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2252791 - 06/10/12 02:23 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: jks]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9294
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Hope your day with H goes OK.

Try to have no expectations. I fear that seeing him more is going to get that roller coaster going full-speed.

And remember this from 25: "I comforted myself with the knowledge that "Hey I have become the best woman I can become, and I know this, so I will leave the results up to God."
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2252798 - 06/10/12 02:48 PM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
Tinman Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 181
ReachingHigher- Thanks for sharing. I have been reading your posts and I am very impressed with how you are handling each situation with such strength. I hope that I am able to be as strong when it comes to my own situations!
_________________________
M-45
W-44
2D - 11&13
2SS - 11&17
Married 10/10/10
Bomb 3/5/12
Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12
Back together 9/12
Seperated 6/13
Divorce Final 11/13/13

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#2252922 - 06/11/12 12:20 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: Tinman]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1684
Loc: Southwest US


PART 1:

Still spinning my wheels! No DB today.

I rode my bike 15 miles this morning then worked on mowing and weed-eating;
H showed up 2 hours earlier than expected!

I was struggling a little with my emotions but doing okay. You know how you look at each other and connect and in the past there would have been a hug and kiss? But now there isn't? It was like that.

Then he asked how much I thought we could sell the house for. So we got into it -- what would I do to support myself if he leaves, where would I live, etc. He is convinced the boys would be unaffected by a divorce. But he's worried about me. Doesn't want to leave me alone. So he cried. I cried.

He said he doesn't want to be married is all. He said all relationships dissolve after a while. He said his life isn't that great without me either.

So more tears ... And you guessed it ... Crash & burn ... Cuddling, holding, all of it. Very emotional for both of us.

I told him, "it was just the moment. I won't think any differently because of it!"

He said that he is going to MC tomorrow just because I asked. He has no agenda.

Going on this forum sometimes feels like going naked in front of a bunch of strangers.
I guess it is baring all emotionally.

I wish I could say...I wish I knew what to do. Because I think I know what to do.
Just don't want to do it. frown

H is out with S18 now trying to teach him how to drive a manual transmission car.

PART 2:

I'm considering the thought of spinning my wheels. I'm considering by clingy, needy behavior I have not brought H's heart closer to my own.

At this point, it's almost like I have nothing to lose by really DB'ing.

He just left. He said he doesn't know what to do sometimes. I reassured him that just because we ML it doesn't mean I think his feelings have changed. He looked relieved.
I said we have always used that as a way to connect, that's all.

Then we talked about where to meet for MC tomorrow.
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2252937 - 06/11/12 01:52 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1684
Loc: Southwest US
I'm chugging on the roller coaster up! I'm ready to kicka$$ DB'ing!

I thought for a while how if only I could return to who I was when H & I first met. But I can't.

Then, I thought, well, I'll just be the awesome wife that I wasn't all these years. But I can't do that either when he doesn't want to be my husband.

Then, I thought, I need to compete with the girls that are in his "drinking buddies" group. But that's a ridiculous idea.

So...now I think...I want a "new and improved" version of who I really am, right now. Who I could be, with my own dreams and goals. That seems like the best solution!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2252939 - 06/11/12 02:01 AM Re: Just spinning my wheels [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1684
Loc: Southwest US
S.S. You are absolutely right. We will cling to the known, fearing the unknown. The loneliness is so difficult. Especially at night!

jks - if only my absence made his heart grow fonder!! Lol! I guess that's sort of the DB idea. Letting him miss your love.
I appreciate all the things you wrote. You have a lot of wisdom.

Labug -- thanks for the post. Except where I messed up today; the rest of it was great! I like the quote. It leaves you with a sense of peace.

Tin man -- such an encouragement! Thanks so much! I wasn't strong at all times today. But I'm growing. We all are!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
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