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#2252374 - 06/08/12 05:04 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: UKVA]
LostIn407 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 186
In FL, adultery doesn't matter. Divorces are 'no fault'. FL prefers Shared Parental Responsibility.

I come to this board to vent/think before I act, and it helps a lot. I tend to try to see all the angles before I act.

Before we moved to FL, the M was great. We had a good balance of family, work and going out together, just the two of us. It was the 6 months apart, the financial strain, the horrible work schedule that I believe led me here.

Before the move, I was making over $100k working a little over 32 hours a week. We had time and money to do a lot of things. I wouldn't have to leave for work until late afternoon so we could spend the day together. Five bedroom house and two nice cars. Friends to do things with when the other was busy. Friends with kids the same age. Friends to help watch the kids if we wanted to go out. All friends were mutual friends. She knew all of mine, I knew all of hers.

After the move, I was making $38k working 6 days a week and picked up a second job to help make ends meet. We had no time to spend together and no money to do anything. I had to go to work just after lunch so there was never time to do much. Three bedroom, cramped house. We had to default on a car. I sold mine to catch up and bought a piece of crap to get to work. No friends to do things with. No friends with kids. Family help we thought we would have was non-existent. The friends she found were not like the friends we had. She met people with questionable values. I haven't met many of her friends in FL.


I hope it doesn't matter how I got to where I am and that DR will work. I hope someone will validate this for me for my fear the going dim is just more of the same for the W.

All I can do now is be the best father for my kids.

I am looking after myself and think this is where I am doing the best.

I am willing to give her as much space as she needs/wants. She has told me she might need the full term of her one year lease.

I won't file. If she questions me, I will tell her that I thought we were working on the M so I didn't need to file. I do not think she wants a D. She has never mentioned it.

I won't be her Plan B. I think about trying to "win" against the OM, but I think I would rather have the OM "lose". As long as she has my good times, she can filter her time with the OM to get his good times only. I need to eliminate the good I give her so she can see what she is missing. I need to let the OM play its course. I just need to repeat that to myself. It gets easier, but I am human and sometimes break.

I do believe the tactics are working and need to give them more time.

Here is my personal 'win' for the day:
W text me asking if we were still meeting for a drink after work.
I tell her that I am busy at work and won't be able to leave early. (A lie. My boss is leaving early and I have nothing to do).
I then send her a text that I would be able to meet her after I put the Ds down around 10:30pm, so I can have more than a quick drink with her.
She replies "I have plans later raincheck"

How did I 'win'?
I denied her request. 180 for me. Old me would have left work extra early to spend more time with her.
I am letting her know I won't be giving her what she needs (me) according to her schedule. If she wants to spend time with me, she is going to have to commit to it. I am not her plan until her 'better' plans are available.
In my mind, once I see her willing to commit time to me, I will see this as progress.

UKVA, thanks for responding. When I get down on myself, it helps to have someone out there willing to listen/respond.
_________________________
M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012

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#2252384 - 06/08/12 05:31 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: LostIn407]
UKVA Offline
Member

Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 77
Loc: Central Virginia
Good. Better would be:

W text me asking if we were still meeting for a drink after work.
I tell her that I am UNAVAILABLE and leave it at that. Telling her you are busy at work tells her you cannot make it, not that you choose not to make it. Also it is a lie, do you like not telling the truth? Just say you cannot, make her wonder why. What could he be doing that is more attractive than spending time with me? He always wanted to be with me, what has changed? Oh dear, perhaps he is turning the tables on me?

Plus I would NOT have offered the alternative time. You are still making yourself a plan B if OM is around. I do not know what inference you took from the "I have plans" response, but obviously something more attractive than spending time with you. Stop being a dorrmat.

Glad to help. Here is my thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2243269#Post2243269

Tell me what you think. I may be a bit quiet for 4 days, will be in Orlando (of all places) with my D11 until Tuesday night.
_________________________
M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012

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#2252391 - 06/08/12 05:50 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: UKVA]
LostIn407 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 186
Good points. I will definitely put them into play in the future.

Plus I would NOT have offered the alternative time. You are still making yourself a plan B if OM is around. I do not know what inference you took from the "I have plans" response, but obviously something more attractive than spending time with you. Stop being a dorrmat.

I guess I did the alternate time as a 'test' to see where she stood. For my benefit only.

I can honestly say I don't give a rat's @ss what her plans are. I used to beat myself up thinking about what she was doing and how her spending time with me would be better. I fully acknowledge the OM and other plans and refuse to waste my time anymore thinking about it.

At this time, my W needs space. She needs to figure out what she wants. The PA with the OM needs to play its course, which I will say is not as strong as it was a few weeks ago.

I am not the 'best' option in my W's eyes right now. She believes I am her best friend and will always be there for her, no matter what she does or how long it takes. She thinks she has me on a string and I will come running when she calls. By detaching and going dim, I hope my W sees that this isn't true. I will move on and better myself.

I am not sitting here waiting for my W to come back to me. I GAL. I am doing things that make me happy. I am doing things I always wanted to do but put off.

I am not dying, but I have a 'bucket list' of things I want to do:
- Stand Up Paddleboarding
- Kayaking
- Learn to surf
- Learn to play the guitar
- Travel more

Gift of time? Yes, it actually is. As my M was before, I didn't have time or desire to make time for these activities. I am not wasting the time I have now.
_________________________
M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012

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#2252392 - 06/08/12 05:54 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: LostIn407]
LostIn407 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 186
Not sure what your plans are when in Orlando, but if you go online and check ticket specials for LegoLand, they have a good deal. It just opened a few months ago and I have heard good things about it. I plan on taking my Ds there this month.

There is a Pepsi coupon code that is 'buy one adult, get one child free'.
_________________________
M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012

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#2252393 - 06/08/12 05:55 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: UKVA]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Lost, I agree with UKVA - you don't need to get into specifics of why you can't meet up. Being vague creates mystery which will naturally cause her attention to perk up. Let her wonder why you can't meet up. If she throws a time out in the future, in the alternative of saying you're unavailable, you can just say, "Sorry, that doesn't work for me."

By giving her an alternate time to meet up, you gave her an opportunity to shut you down.

You are right to want to let her do a little of the legwork in terms of meeting up with you. But be careful that you aren't getting into the trap of tallying "wins" and "losses" for each of you - that can be very destructive to your DB mindset and in any future R with her.

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#2252405 - 06/08/12 06:22 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: vera be fierce]
LostIn407 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 186
Quick note:
I leave work around 5pm. I have to pick my Ds up from day care by 6:30pm. My W knows that I can't make plans after work on the days I have the Ds. I can't use the aura of mystery.

"Sorry, that doesn't work for me", in my eyes, wouldn't work either as I feel I would be coming off as an a-hole.

I could say "No thanks, I would prefer the opportunity to spend more than 20 minutes with you and not be pressured to leave to get the Ds before daycare closes". Or is that pressuring her/pursuing?
_________________________
M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012

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#2252411 - 06/08/12 06:32 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: LostIn407]
UKVA Offline
Member

Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 77
Loc: Central Virginia
Certainly pressuring/pursuing. And the comment that is does not work for you is not so much about the logistics as it is your disposition. We are not asking you to be deliberatley rude, as saying "I can't see any valid reason for seeing you" would be, just somewhat ambivalent towards the prospect. Everytime you want to replace 6 words with 28, stop and go back to the 6. Simplify. Your second answer tells her EXACTLY why you cannot make it, why do you want to do that again?

Orlando? 4 nights in Universal! Loews Royal Pacific Resort!
_________________________
M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012

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#2252421 - 06/08/12 07:02 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: UKVA]
LostIn407 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 186
W just texted me again asking if I wanted to meet her for a drink. So hard to tell her no because I really want to do it.
_________________________
M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012

Top
#2252425 - 06/08/12 07:17 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: LostIn407]
UKVA Offline
Member

Registered: 05/06/12
Posts: 77
Loc: Central Virginia
If OM is still in the picture, BE STRONG my friend. Do you imagine she will say "well, that's it, he won't meet me for a drink, I am really done".
_________________________
M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012

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#2252428 - 06/08/12 07:22 PM Re: LRT - Checking Progress [Re: UKVA]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
I mean, it's up to you. The 37 rules indicate to accept some, but not all, invitations. Maybe this is one that you accept and the next one you don't.

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