yesterday, a bit dazed and relaxed on painkillers after having my tooth pulled, i asked s if instead of finishing his room we could just be a bit lazy and watch a movie. We don't watch TV, just the occasional movie or documentary and it's pretty special for us. (have to add, the old me would have been tough and busted ass getting things done)
he was delighted and i asked him to choose. he chose the most beautiful movie - Turtles - it was the life story of a loggerhead turtle.
so it started with the turtles being born on the beach and heading to the water under considerable duress. then their long trip across the ocean,and the beginnings of their trials - which were pretty hard, because of human's influence on the seas. then i fell asleep - really hard.
s woke me up (i had asked him to) and as i turned over and opened my eyes - it was to the most serene gorgeous peaceful scene of these beautiful huge turtles just hanging out at the bottom of the ocean. their trials and tribulations were over , they had made it through (not many compared to how many hatched) and now got to enjoy years of peaceful existence at the bottom of the ocean.
their only job left was to make one of the longest journey's on the planet back to where they were born to lay their eggs. the journey was smooth and without incident.
i'm heading to that place in my mind - equivalent to where the turtles got to after their arduous start. i can't help seeing the analogy and potential in my situation to be in that beautiful serene place.
so my goal is to swim with turtles in my mind - i've made it through the hardest part, and now i can look forward to the peaceful serene place that i know i deserve to be in.
i hope all of you can join me there. it's where we all deserve to be:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
hey verb - i don't know how to post to you without a reply thingie , until you post - hope fully you'll see my new thread
as for going overboard - that was before i found this site and read the books. i had been on another site that advised to just act as if you were fine with it.
sort of the equivalent of - if they want to divorce you , help them by contacting your lawyer. if they want you to leave, help them pack.
did i get it wrong?
i'm not feeling all panicky at the thought of getting it all wrong.
but if anyone has thoughts on how EXACTLY to act about the ow - the counterintuitive DB stuff, then i sure could use some advice before this conversation takes place.
how i feel is, i would be very cautious until i knew that it was over from the horse's mouth. what i've worked through for a large part is the sense of hurt and betrayal and being let down. what i've understood is that h is human and has his flaws just like the rest of us and that i could forgive it.
what i don't know is that if we ever have to bring her up, in the near future, what i should "act as if"
By the time I get a chance to read through your last thread and respond as appropriate, the point may be moot...
So I just wanted to say that both work AND GAL are the reasons for my intended absence. As much as I enjoy messing up all'y'all's heads, it was keeping me from my own life...
So here's the things I want to say:
I understand working from home at one's own business. Some people can compartmentalize that stuff really well... others... not so much...
so here is the part you may not like and try to give reasons why not...
You need to get S to a baby sitter's anyhow...
So that you can job hunt if / as you may see fit... or you can work... OR... when you feel like coming here or just hanging with your S... you actually go out and GAL!
Just as you must schedule work as necessary...
You MUST schedule GAL!
Sorry, you can't work 12 hours a day, spend 6 more hours a day being a mom... and not GAL...
And not sure if this was part of the question or what was the rest of your thread, yet...
You S should have extremely limited time with OW UNLESS your H is planning on M her (put a ring on her finger and set a date).
You cannot control how your H and OW interact (lovey dovey and all that) and consider how confusing that might be for him (his mom and dad are M but his dad is being loving with some other woman who is not his family). It won't send a very good message to your S for your S's future relationships...
thanks KD - but didja read my post. he is going to some efforts to NOT have that happen - either with his family or s. that is contact with ow.
as for the baby sitting for s and your observations on me having enough time to GAL - you're bang on, there - i have to set some boundaries about how much s is here during the summer. i didn't think of it that way - i've volunteered freely all my time with s, and taken him at the drop of a hat. i think i really need to do a 180 there.
what holds me back a bit (less than before) is that when i say no to taking s, i feel as if i'm letting s down and not being completely there for him. can you help me see it from another perspective please?
i may not have to even do much here in terms of where s is this summer- s let us know indirectly today that he's planning to attend h's summer course which runs from 8.30 to 1.30 everyday all through june. h and i are very amused about it - it's a university level course and he just announced that he was going to go with h everyday - and today was the first day. he introduced himself along with the other college students very seriously and then proceeded to do all the assignments that h gave the students.
on the other hand , he is 10, and could change his mind after a few days. but who knows. there seems to be a very determined side emerging in him these last few weeks - a sort of - "there are certain things i want to do and i'm going to just do them" - kind of like his dad, i would say.
i need to go catch some winks myself, but tomorrow i am going to try and sit down and outline my "strategy" and hope i can get some feedback on what i'm doing right and not so right.
thanks KD - i totally understand your need to step away - you and so many others spend what seems to be an inordinate amount of time on the boards helping us all out - and i for one am deeply grateful.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
ok, good about H understanding that S should not be around OW much...
I struggled with taking the kids every moment I could... and then I realized... they are already going to be messed up from this... me smothering and requesting or taking all the time with them is not good for them, for me, nor for my W...
and believe me, the "limited" time I have with the kids according to the SA is horrid... but every moment I am with the kids, I do my best to be the best dad I can be. I know that will be a positive affect on them.
Your S needs to spend time with his dad. Your S needs to spend time without either parent... your S needs to be 10... if he's always with you, he may try to take on the role of surrogate H... that's not good...
So do it because it is emotionally healthy for S... because it already sux... he just needs stability and the ability to be a kid...
Thanks KD - after reading your post, i realized that maybe i have not painted the picture clearly enough.
i believe that has to do with my own emotions running so high, and my terribly long posts.
Your S needs to spend time with his dad. Your S needs to spend time without either parent... your S needs to be 10... if he's always with you, he may try to take on the role of surrogate H... that's not good...
s spends time with his dad: every other week for the whole week except when h is 1)working/meetings or seminars or 2 )is with ow
s spends quite a bit of time on playdates - both at my house and at his friends houses. i also make sure that he gets alone time with h's parents, whom he is very close to. they come and pick him up and take him out or to their place, especially on the week he's with me. they don't seem to ask h to do that, only me. he has recently started going there more frequently with s - for many months it seemed as if he was avoiding them too, but that seems to have changed recently.
as for surrogate h - i saw it started right in the first weeks after the S - and i talked to s and made it very clear that I was the one who was going to take care of him and me, not him, that it wasn't his job on any level. i haven't seen any signs of it at all. once he understood that, he reverted back to his usual ways and comes to me for comfort when he needs it. i do allow him to show me how to use some of the equipment - things like the mower or the compressor, which he's very proud to do, but it's clear that it's my role to take care of stuff and take care of myself and him.
the reason that i have taken on and agree to taking s as much as i can is the following:
in the first months after h moved out - i absolutely did not offer to take s even once when he was with h. but then i started noticing that since h had other stuff to do, in the evenings, he started to leave s all over the place - mostly at his son's friends houses, and was picking him up and giving him dinner as late as 9. he had legitimate reasons - board meetings, seminars at the uni, work stuff
so i told h that i would rather he offered s to me or his parents, so that s was in a more family situation rather than at friends. i said that i would like first priority over having s before he went to friends, as i would like to see him as much as i could.
in some ways i've watched h sort of use that to his advantage a few times, but for the most part, i've just had s when he's working and then he's come right away to get him. and most of that time has been a playmate.
i think the only thing that's difficult for me, s and the rest of the family is that to us is seems that h blows s off - runs hot and cold. when he's there with s he's very present with him - extremely so, but when he's not - it's like s doesn't exist for him, especially when he's with ow. but there's a lot of inconsistency - sometimes contact everyday, sometime none for days
so that's the picture of what's going on, i think.
maybe another post later to describe what i have been doing to try to change things
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
recently i decided that one of my short term goals (actually my only one!) would be to try and change the dynamics of the relationship between the 3 of us. i suggested to h that maybe we should be more flexible and that s can move more freely between us during each week. there had been this unspoken rule all these months that when s is here , he's mine and when he's with h he's only h's.
h has wanted to keep things very very separate. the result turned out not to be so good and i think he's realized it now. s's response was to be 2 different people - he was his original self the week he was here, and then this other kid the week he was with h
i'm waiting to see how it works out - i want to say that h seems to like it and seems more relaxed with it, and even appreciative - but ow's trip did just coincide with it.
i think - and i know that it maybe considered mind reading - but i've started to wonder whether h has felt so guilty about taking s away from me that he feels he has no right to s when it's my time with him. i will say that in the beginning i was so deeply torn up about being separated from s in that way, that i was a mess and h was agonized by that. i'm in a very different place now, and have worked through that and actually feel pretty alright and independent of s's physical presence or absence here.
so the summer plan which isn't concrete yet - i have suggested that s moves more freely between the 2 houses - and is a bit with both of us almost everyday no matter which house he's at.
this may NOT be considered good DB'ing - and i'm probably going to get an earful from everyone - but it's part of my dropping the rope, the way i see it. it's also an attempt to allow s to become more consistent in his personality, because then he'll have to settle into one as he moves back and forth.
i'm trying something different, because i've been sensing that me keeping s to myself is being interpreted as resistance to h, and defensiveness.
what will be interesting to see is whether h actually does it _he's sort of agreed verbally. because that would require a lot more contact (i'm not sure how i feel about that) and some more commitment on his part, where he has to be ready to arrange things on a daily basis, rather than put them off for days at a time.
i'm not pressuring him to do this. i just threw it out there casually, and the only thing i've done after that is text him last friday saying "if you want to hang out with s, just call" i was surprised that he did and came over and took s for a couple of hours. i could see that he felt really good and so did son (agape?) and only later i found out that ow was here.
so that made me feel funny - i felt a bit misled and that i may have inadvertently given him an opportunity to feel like he could have it all - s's company and her around?
then i found myself thinking - why don't i look at it from another perspective (and anyone can whack me here if i'm not getting it) . by allowing that, could i possibly have given h an opportunity to feel good about something I did, while he was with ow? it meant a lot to him to be with s - in spite of what he says, i think that is when he misses s the most.
so that's part of the plan
any thoughts, anyone
thanks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
