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#2252407 - 06/08/12 06:24 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
h brought s and his friend over - he really looked as if he wanted tot talk, so i let us talk a few minutes about s and then turned around and walked into the house.

it was hard to do - as i have taken opportunities always to allow the conversation to go on - i could really sense he wanted to stay for a while. when he sees me doing that he gets all officious that he has to get going in response.

i saw him go to the back and get some stuff from the shed - it got me all ready to cycle back into my "i should go out and set a boundary" but instead i told myself "this is part of accepting that this marriage is over - and when i see signs of it, let it just confirm it further"

did take me a while to cycle out of it - but i did this goofy thing that really worked - i had to make s lunch so i recited the details of every little thing that i was doing while i did it - i'm peeling the carrots, peel 1, peel 2 peel 3 - literally!!

i started to do it out of desperation i swear - gosh , anything that works and it helped - ALOT
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252432 - 06/08/12 07:30 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Originally Posted By: zig
so i let us talk a few minutes about s and then turned around and walked into the house.



Wow... I found that to be the hardest thing ever to do!! Congrats Zig!! Hope you are proud!! smile
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2252460 - 06/08/12 09:04 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: needgrace]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Zig do not beat yourself up about coming here to vent or counting carrot peels LOL

This board has been a lifeline to me in some very crazy times. The times I've refreshed my page begging there to be a response with a bit of guidence. It's what it's here for. All of us understand what it's like when our family and friends don't. Or hate seeing us going through all these emotions that they just want it to end.

I say anything you can do to get your mind off of unhelpful thoughts is a good thing. I still have random bad thoughts...but I don't feel that horrible lost feeling anymore which is nice.

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#2252463 - 06/08/12 09:13 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: needgrace]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i did that a lot for months , and then thinking that it wasn't working, changed it to more relaxed and welcoming - now i realize that's harder for me, and so switching back - oh hell i don't know - i'm getting to the point where it's changing for me

before i did it to "DB". today i did it because i don't care to spend all that much time with him. my time is precious right, and frankly how much return on my investment am I getting here?

zero, baby, zero!!!

from now on i'm only investing in the co-parenting thing.

if i can't figure out the basic economics here - how the heck will my little business be successful?

on the other hand - i have spent the entire afternoon quaking a bit - am trying to work through it and "manage" the rising feelings.

after i read sparky's suggestion on the paradox and watched that "lose hope" segment on youtube - i'm going through it on the next level - ouch ouch ouch - actually it feels similar to the way i felt in the first weeks - except this time, there's so much more knowledge and a tiny scrap of wisdom to accompany it.

thanks sparky - if you're reading this. it was timely for me - in the sense that i'm ready to be there - in more ways than i did before.

thanks grace
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252467 - 06/08/12 09:21 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: Brit45]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
oh brit - how you've managed to get to this point where you are in such a short amount of time puts me in awe.

we discussed w/ IC today that it's possibly taking me so long because i have some serious childhood issues that never got resolved AND am going through this process not just for this marriage but the one before. ( i was pregnant with s while it was ending - so i have a big mess that needs working through - and that one had it's whole set of problems that i didn't even know existed!!)

so as i joked - double everything!!

i'm not beating up myself at all - about finding that system to help me - i was glad to take anything that works - even for a few seconds.

i know i'm not in the greatest place at this time frame like most people are, but you know - i've even come to accept that it's not about timing , it;s about just allowing things to happen at their own time. i'm beginning to suspect, that this might take me quite a while to get through and to be okay with that (meaning my own healing)

can't wait to get to the place you describe - where it's random - sounds wonderful

thanks brit

ps friday is always a bit tough for me - when s comes back it's actually somehow easier when i'm on my own - have to change that so it's the same all the time and getting better and better each week
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252472 - 06/08/12 09:30 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
I think maybe you should take some time to NOT concentrate on your growth, R, etc. It sounds counter productive. But I find when I exercise, when I get out, working etc it made it better because I wasn't constantly thinking about it.

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#2252477 - 06/08/12 09:40 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: Brit45]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i know brit - what doesn't help is that i work at home and so i'm sort of reminded of it all the time

i've changed the rooms around quite a bit - and that helps, but there are still parts of the house that were the old house - i need to get to each place where i'm ready to deal with each space - part of the process.

i actually can't wait until he gets the rest of his stuff out - i'm almost to the point where i am capable of starting to box his stuff up. i'm imagining it all as only my stuff here

i will try to take your advice - i'm trying too hard, i know - it's just pouring out - can't seem to stop the flow since it started
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252486 - 06/08/12 09:58 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
No don't stop the flow...I just remember one day I thought I'm not going to read self help books today or think about the sitch I'm just going to do me stuff I think it's balance but if your mind is just circling and circling then I understand it's really hard.
I don't how I got here but I didn't think I would even a week or two ago so don't worry it will happen.
Making the space yours is a great idea. I need to do that to my room only place I haven't well his stuff is gone but it's just furniture nothing on the wall not inviting or cozy I need to change that.
There was a time when I couldn't even concentrate on work and now I get lost in work in a good way and realize that I've been being so productive I haven't thought about the sitch!
It will happen because you want it to!

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#2252502 - 06/08/12 11:02 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: Brit45]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
There was a time when I couldn't even concentrate on work and now I get lost in work in a good way "

i'm already having those, but then i get scattered

i like what you said at the end = that it will happen because i want it to

YES!! i really really want it to, now

thanks brit:)

off to gal in a bit - with my good friends - she's had a really rough day - first week back to work after surgery, and her h and i just got off the phone after planning the menu and making a cook out happen.

it felt a bit odd, i have to say, but it's good - the kids can play and when it cools off after we eat, he and i will take them to a park to play frisbee -i'm the one who wants to - i can count on one hand how many times i've played in my life - it's so much fun - i'm terrible but love the feeling of running really hard after it!! i hope she wants to come, but it's hard for her to sit in odd places.

she was going to teach me to skate this summer - but had to have surgery instead and has to wait for several months through rehab before she can again - can't wait!!

hope you have a great evening too:)

((( )))
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252618 - 06/09/12 02:56 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Just a moment to stop in here for a sec while D9 is still sleeping... smile

Naw, zig... I was not teasing... wink You did do great on the 180.

What I hope you would find was that while we can be proud of you, it is YOU that needs to be proud of you, regardless of what anyone thinks... although we DO need external validation from time to time, that is not always available (for one reason or another).

So always be sure that if you believe you did well... own it and self validate...

Your IC sounds great and gave awesome suggestions to help you. While what she said may be obvious, she doesn't know what other info you are getting and... sometimes that second opinion can help us understand what we've already heard from other sources. Same things said in a different way can sometimes be the difference between understanding... and REALLY understanding...

Be well!

And like your IC suggested...

GET OUT AND GAL. cool

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