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#2243733 - 05/08/12 08:51 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: MrBond]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
Thank-you Mr. Bond it is always good to get thoughts and ideas from you guys/gals.

I do have an attorney.

She is not asking me to leave - I am the one that was thinking if it was better for me to leave now. But after thinking about it and speaking to the DB coach - I decided that the approach that I am taking is the best course available.

This appoach continues to show her on a daily basis what she will miss if we actually separate in August which is the current plan. If we separate the logic is (from the coach) that she will probably miss all of this that I am doing/giving now. If she does not miss it then of course we'll end up divorced.

If on the other hand I leave the house now or stop my curent approach (showing her love, touching, sex, giving her the space that she wants, etc) she will begin to disconnect now and continue to just focus on all of the 'bad' stuff that she has in her mind.

Although she still wants me to sign the D- papers now and she is planning on the separation in August, her convictions have lessen (she has moved from her divorce position to a separation in August to see what happens). In addition now she does not even want space (me leaving her on the weekends, etc) - at least not now.

My position is that I need to do the 4 things I outlined before
and make things as good as possible without asking for pity, begging, etc. And hope that if she decides to separate - she will miss the hell out of me.
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

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#2252356 - 06/08/12 03:56 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
It has been about a month since I have posted any updates.

I am happy to report that things have turned around tremendously for us. There is no more talk of divorce or even separation and she has even mentioned on several occasions OUR new house to be purchased. I know it is a work in progress and I hope that soon I am not the only one trying to improve himself as to how to make our marriage stronger.

Things are sort of back to normal which honestly is a not a bad place to be, however it is not the final place I want our marriage to be. It needs to get stronger, it needs to be more trusting, it needs a lot of things to make it better.

I want to thank all of you that provided me with feed back and suggestions. I did a lot of things unorthodox but it worked for me.

I hope that I will not find myself in this spot again, but you never know.

Again thanks and good luck to all.
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

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#2252358 - 06/08/12 04:14 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8871
Loc: Sonoran Desert
That's great but you know you have to fill in some details. smile
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2252381 - 06/08/12 05:22 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: labug]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
details!!!
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2252412 - 06/08/12 06:32 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: LIO]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10934
That's good news. I would strongly suggest that when the time is right, that the two of you go to some type of MC or marriage retreat. The problem is that she was the one who wanted to leave you. If she doesn't resolve her issue about that, then you may find yourself here again.

Good Luck.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2253074 - 06/11/12 03:41 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: MrBond]
I Will Fix It Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 26
Loc: Florida
For those of you asking for details - I am not sure what details you want but I can tell you the following. My situation is/was probably very similar to others here.

My 27 year marriage has not been without some major problems along the way even before this last crisis. We have cheated on each other (I started the whole thing – she retaliated), and other major issues (some detailed in previous postings). But we have also had many great times, we have loved each other, we have been financially stable and have to great kids. I have always felt that there is LOVE in our relationship yet the past continues to creep up and get in the way.

I am a jealous and vindictive person when it comes to her however I am a very nice and loving husband and father, a hard worker and I have always shown her how much I love her – I have however shown it mainly my way. My wife too is a very nice person, very bright and beautiful (is 50 looks like 35) she will do anything for anyone. But compared to me she is not demonstrative as to her love.

Although I was given the divorce papers we never separated, as a matter of fact we kept sleeping on the same bed.

I say all of this to give you some basic background since I believe that the reason we are working this out is because there is LOVE there- if not I don’t think we could save our marriage because of all the baggage. I am the type of person that deals with issues head on and tries to resolve the problem by first doing research, asking for advice and listening to all - then making up my mind as to my course of action.

Like you I know my spouse better than anyone else and I know the real story better than anyone else. I know the details of how we got into this situation, what she did what I did, what she has said and what I have said. Be really honest with yourself as to the story – if not you can’t address the real issues. You also know what her/his hot buttons are, you know what a certain body language tells you, you know that person inner feelings and you also know what that person has been telling you forever that is good and bad about your relationship, etc.

My actions:

I did a lot of research on the web – read many articles regarding the situation and what they had done and not done to try to resolve it.

I also read many of the postings on this board concentrating on the ones that describe similar situations.

I posted on this board and received many good pieces of advice; some I applied to one degree or another, some did not fit my situation.

I received coaching from a DB coach (Lori). We spoke four times. She provided me with excellent advice and what to concentrate on at that given time. In the initial conversation she suggested I read the last resort technique on the DR book and to also read the Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman). For me reading the latter mentioned book was one of the keys to my reconciliation. It reaffirmed what I already knew – how she wants to be loved – and it gave me ideas on how to make that happen. I put a lot of effort into showing her the new husband –and how this new husband was prepared to love her.

I must admit I did not follow the LRT totally because as I said before, I know my wife better than anyone. I did reduced the chase, but not entirely – for example I reduced the frequency of contact, I stopped asking for reassurance and reduced the ‘I love you’. I did not GAL because I felt that if I did that she would think that I was in agreement with the goal to get divorce. One of her love languages is quality time so instead I continued to be by her side (you need to swallow your pride to do this) even thought she pretty much just ignored me.

One thing that she has always said to me (without specifics) is that “you (meaning me) never do anything for me”. In the Chapman books it tells you that that person’s love language (there is usually more than one) is Acts of Service. I was not sure what she wanted me to do for her so I tried many things, make the bed, bar-b-q, gas/clean the car, etc. I did not become her lap dog but my goal was/is to save my marriage so I was/am ready to try anything. I don’t feel any less of a man for doing these things as a matter of fact I feel like she deserves much of it.

I also started seeing a psychiatrist to help me with my jealousy. I let her know that I was/am working on some of my issues.

In no way am I suggesting that this is the formula to fix anything – I am just giving you some of the details (there was a lot more of course) of what I did.

I know and I agree with Mr. Bond when he tells me that we still need a lot of work to make it right and lasting – I hope that I can talk her into some counseling, etc. But for now it just feels good that the first major hurdle is behind us.

I hope that I don't find myself in this situation again but it does take two to tango.

Thanks again to all - and good luck!
_________________________
Married 27yrs together 30yrs
Me:55 W:50 First marriage for both
S19, D22
Bomb: 3/15/12 Got the papers 4/11/12
Changed her mind on the D

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#2253696 - 06/13/12 02:42 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: I Will Fix It]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Thank you iwfi! I love to see someone who has a success, and what they did. It can provide just a little nugget of "hey, I didn't think of that!" for us to put in our tool belts. But mostly, hopeful and encouraging to read that even when being ignored, or when the days seem long, it can change.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2253699 - 06/13/12 02:50 PM Re: What a mess I have made of my family! [Re: LIO]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
I'm so happy for you!
Love is like a garden. Continue taking care of it and it will flourish!
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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