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Oh, just a little more thinking about him. Lol. After all, we did have a big R talk yesterday.

He said that all the changes he's ever wanted me to make, I've done. He can't think of a single thing he would want differently about me, right now. It's just too late.

Is that just script? Is he really done with me?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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^^ My H said similar things. That he was "getting everything he thought would make him feel better" and he still didn't feel better. I think it's really an indication that the problem is INSIDE THEIR HEADS and nowhere else.

So yes, it's script. Is he done with you? Well that's an entirely different matter. My question to you - does it matter if you are not done with him?

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Many of them say it's just too late. I don't know if it's "script" (that always makes me think there's a book they all read, when in fact we are the one's reading the same book. But I digress).

I think when they say it's too late they really feel that's it's too late.

Can they change? Yes.

Will they? Maybe, maybe not.

Your job is to focus on you and create the life you want. Be happy with or without him. I know right now that seems impossible.

But it's the key.

Leave him to his journey and you create yours.

He's made a choice that he doesn't want to be married right now.

Respect that. Don't act like his wife.

I know, like cutting off your right arm. I continued to act like "the wife" for far too long.

You might also think about not always being at the house when he comes to visit with the boys. As far as MC, he doesn't want to be married. I think it could be more harmful than helpful right now. Too much pressure. If he wants to do his own IC, great. You need time to work on you and grieve.

I think you're doing great right now for the amount of pain this creates.

It does get better. Early on I put a screen saver on my computer that says simply: It Will Be OK.

It's still there and it is OK.

Book Recommendation: When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Yes, I have to listen deeper than his actual words.

I actually asked him yesterday if he was an alcoholic. He said no, but two nights ago he way overdid it at HP drinking by himself. He had texted with me at the time and I had the impression he was really struggling that day.

He said he doesn't enjoy going on dates with me but some are good, some not.

I remember last month one afternoon we just went to his pool (at his apartment), then went to eat and then I suggested a drive in his convertible. It was really good. We cranked up the music and sang together and felt the breeze. A calming, healing thing. But it's not always like that.

I have to remember if everything is like he wants it -- you are right -- the problem has to be with him!

But I want so much to fix it! I want so much to say, if the boys mean so much to you, why aren't you here?

S18 talked to me yesterday about feeling abandoned. S12 doesn't talk about his feelings but H & he were always unbelievably close. S12 is definitely not a mama's boy. He's a boy that can dig a grave with me (last month) for our beloved dog. And agree we had to put her down.

I see your wisdom. It's pointless to consider whether he is done with me if I am still committed to him.

Today I really need to focus. I'll work on my list, try to let the 37 rules sink in, and spend my free time reading advice on this forum. And not worry about my feelings. After all, that's what I see H doing -- operating on how he feels. I need to reach higher than that and do instead what works -- and aligns with my values.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Thanks labug, I will read and reread and consider your advice.
You first line really made me laugh.

He gave me the "too little, too late" speech about four months ago.
This time it was just the "too late" speech.

He has his own IC, I definitely need mine too. It was just last week he said he thought MC might do us some good, so I wanted to leave the door open for him. Should he choose to do it, I'll look for my own IC right away. I definitely need it.

There's some advice here on the forum about how to act as a friend. I copied it and will review that too.

On a different note, perhaps a reality check for him, he told me yesterday he was shocked about how much money we (he) spent last month. He even took our hybrid car again back to HP instead of his gas-guzzling convertible. We lost a little out of our savings and I think he did all the partying without considering the financial cost of it. I think that's good for him to think about that and am glad it was him that noticed it -- not me bringing it up.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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A caution...

Quote:
I remember last month one afternoon we just went to his pool (at his apartment), then went to eat and then I suggested a drive in his convertible. It was really good. We cranked up the music and sang together and felt the breeze. A calming, healing thing. But it's not always like that.


This is seeing it through your lens. Do you really know if it was that for him? Let go of that.

The alcohol lends another layer to the craziness. But again, his to deal with.

Don't deny your feelings. Feel them and work through them. Don't be afraid of them but don't let them rule you.

…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.~Pema Chodron

I wish you lived closer, I think we could talk for hours.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Amen!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Just read your post about the money. Protect yourself.

You won't like hearing this but it would be prudent to talk to an attorney and make sure you and the boys are safe.

I saw an attorney within a couple of weeks of H moving out just to know the facts. You don't have to tell H this.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
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Yes, I suppose it's time for that. Sigh.

In March, one of my friends tried to push me, almost force me into getting my own checking account and a car in my name. It's cause it's what SHE did when her H walked out for a year, 20 years ago. I didn't appreciate the pressure.

H might have already seen a lawyer and not told me. He talked about it.

How did you know I wouldn't like it? Am I that transparent?

It would be good to know the facts. Sigh, again. I'll put it on my list.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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No one likes it.

It seems so final but it really isn't, just a fact-finding mission.

I felt much better after talking to him.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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