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Thanks, so, so much!

I spent the late afternoon looking for some local things I would like to do. I joined a meet up photography club. I liked some pages on FaceBook so I can be notified of events in areas I'm interested in: bicycling, watersports and races, live music events, local water theme park for the boys and me.

I did it sort of absentmindedly but I realized it's very different looking at just things I want to do instead of "us". Feels selfish initially, but if I'm going to be alone, I need to have a life of my own. Just feels weird.

I sort of figured if I get bad news tomorrow it will be easier to take if I'm developing "me" instead of just being empty without "him".

The support on this forum is unbelievable! To have other people knowledgeable about "what works", willing to support their families and grow instead of walking away, and to help others too! It's awesome!

P.S. You are right, I'm scared silly too!
And unbidden, my son prayed for us all tonight. smile


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Good for you!

Having a life outside the M helps so much.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Just because you're doing it for yourself doesn't make it selfish! It does feel a little odd trying to meet our own needs if we've been overly concerned with meeting the needs of others for so long that we've forgotten how to really take care of ourselves!

Don't worry about whether you're going to hear "bad news." You're just getting information about what steps you need to take next. Practice validating ("I can understand how you feel that way.", for example) instead of defending yourself. (I converse with myself in my head while I'm in the shower so I feel like my responses come more naturally.) You can do it!

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Thinking about you today.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thanks, labug.

I felt great all day. I had a mostly sleepless night. But in the shower this morning I thought to myself, hey, I'm not the one walking away. I don't have any reason to feel bad! It kept me going through the day.


So...here's the deal. We had a nice visit. He replaced our R.O. filter with S12.
S12 loves doing things with his dad.

H and I drove in the car a couple miles to a special private spot we have used from time to time, overlooking some fields.
He talked. I listened. He cried. I was dry-eyed most of the time.

He felt he wanted to be honest with me and tell me he can't see ever coming back to this marriage, this home, this life with me.

And really, I wasn't threatened at all by that. I think I am learning so much here, I looked at it as a great opportunity (although I didn't say so).

I was so relieved it wasn't something else.

We talked about how life would be now, we are going to stop ML (he can't handle it emotionally). Stop going on dates. He'll come by the house twice a week as he is now.

It seems, somehow, to take a lot of pressure off of him. Something about sitting in a romantic restaurant or providing "date-type" situations when you don't have the feelings is excruciating. It's been hard for me too!

I suggested if he wants to try to do something with me, we should try something active instead of something where we are just sitting and looking at each other!

I read on the MLC forum for a while today. Don't know if this is just what that is.
He just wants to live his own life, unencumbered by the burdens of marriage/family.

He looked at me with tears and sobbed saying he remembers how it first was when we were together and knows it can never be that way again. But he would want that.

I told him I have an appointment with a C on Monday and he can come if he wants or not, I'm going anyway. He said he's leaning towards coming but doesn't want to commit.

I see he needs a LOT of space. Frankly, I'm relieved about the changes. It gives me a better chance to DB, I think.

Here are my plans:

1) follow the 37 rules, especially about not asking him any inappropriate questions.
He doesn't want ANY pressure.

2) continue GAL in a social way, at least one social activity per week.

3) continue to eat, sleep, breathe, exercise, take care of myself & boys

4) work on house, garden, yard, which have gotten into some disrepair (I enjoy working on those things)

He isn't asking for or wanting a D. He frankly doesn't know what to do. So we made the change of no ML or dates and I told him why don't we just try that for a while (he feels SO much less pressure) and we can re-evaluate after some time has gone by.

He just held me a lot in the car. We just acted like very good friends when we came to the house. We ate homemade ice cream with fresh peaches from our trees. It seemed very healthy (the attitude between us -- not meaning the food --lol!)

I feel much better too. More in control of ME!

Advice???


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
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Aw, RH I think you handled that all really, really well!! I am glad that you are feeling better after this.

He is really asking for space without pressure and you see that. It is good that he was able to articulate this.

Your plan looks good. I think that, as you did, you can continue to invite him on things that you are already doing and leave the invitation open - if he wants to join, great, otherwise you are going to go and have a fabulous time anyway.

(( ))

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I'm glad you feel better.

It sounds a lot like what my H has said to me even down to the not thinking of D. And here we are 14 months later.

It's given me an opportunity to become a person I didn't even know could exist.

Have no expectations. That will be the most difficult thing.

If it were me, I'd keep my C appt for me. Let him get his own if he wants.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I think you handled the conversation great. I can imagine how much control it takes to just listen when having a conversation like that.

Love your goals. I think I need to add the do one social thing a week to my own list.


Me:37
H:GONE

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I'm feeling rough this morning. Nights can be so difficult, you know? Hard not to think about things when you wake up.

After all, yesterday when we talked he said the next logical step is D but he's not thinking about that right now, nor prepared to go there. I know it took a lot of courage for him to tell me what he did. I know he loves and cares for me deep down inside. And he said so. He's just choosing a different life right now.

I wish I felt better about the DB techniques. I need more confidence. It's because they go against how we FEEL.

And I feel so sad right now. Like I have to remind myself to breathe.

Thanks for the encouragement ladies. I really needed that.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
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OP Offline
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
More journaling....

He said, yesterday, he wouldn't change the past if he could. He's glad to have had our relationship and we have had a lot of good times together. He said the most important and only long-lasting product out of it all is our two sons.

I need to concentrate on what I am going to be doing today.
Stop thinking about him.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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