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#2251790 06/06/12 06:38 PM
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My previous thread was "he's lost that loving feeling":

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2251424&page=1

I guess that's how you show it?

It's a natural break for me for a new thread.

1) I have an appointment with an IC for Monday. She shows "solution oriented therapy" as one of her choices. I'm looking forward to it.

2) H told me today on the phone some things have changed recently. He is going to talk R with me tomorrow in person. I'm feeling very emotional about it. He said it isn't D or another woman. He said he's not as interested in dating me any more. Thats all he would say. I'm guessing legal separation and/or dating other people but I guess MrBond would say I don't know what he's thinking so don't try to guess.

I need some support/encouragement for tomorrow. Just listen, right? Don't defend myself or make decisions at that time, right?

I feel a little panicked about it and patience isn't one of my better qualities.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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"We need to talk" is seldom ever good.

"I want to talk about our Realtionship" and you can throw seldom out the window and add an N to ever.

Go in there without any good expectaions of the talk and you should be fine.

It's not mind reading, it's not being specific, he gave you apretty big clue:
Quote:

He said he's not as interested in dating me any more.


You go in and don't fight that? Argue it? that's a quick meeting and might throw him for a loop.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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First a hug ((()))

Jack gives good advice.

Do you want to see him, because it that's all he has to say...

Practice this: "You know, H, this R is no longer working for me either."

Read those 37 pointers right before he comes.

Do you have girlfriends around you? Or someone that you can call after?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Yes, I would like to see him here at home. We decided not to do it on the phone. Besides, he wants to come for a couple of hours to see the boys.

I'm scared. I don't want my life swirling down the crapper. It's not just a romantic relationship with him; it's an upheaval of all I've lived for and worked for and trusted in.

Not like everybody here hasnt gone through that. Just venting. I don't want to think about him ML with other women. I'd like to go far, far away from here. But I can't.

So, I talked to my sister on the phone for an hour and a quarter. She encouraged me that'll I'll land on my feet. Encouraged me to make sure he takes full responsibility for his side. And encouraged me not to make decisions tomorrow. And yes, I can call her after.

We also talked about ways to make new friends. She suggested a book club. Suggested getting S12 involved in local sports in our nearby town. And we talked about me getting my real estate license which I have wanted to for a long time.

So...I don't want to be in the here and now. My heart hurts. I have to believe I will heal. How will I ever act "as if" if I tell him the relationship isn't working for me either?

He may want to go to MC with me. He said he would tell me tomorrow. Is that a bad idea? Should I do both? IC and MC? Is that okay with the same therapist?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
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Originally Posted By: reachingHigher
Yes, I would like to see him here at home. We decided not to do it on the phone. Besides, he wants to come for a couple of hours to see the boys.

I'm scared. I don't want my life swirling down the crapper. It's not just a romantic relationship with him; it's an upheaval of all I've lived for and worked for and trusted in.

Not like everybody here hasnt gone through that. Just venting. I don't want to think about him ML with other women. I'd like to go far, far away from here. But I can't.

So, I talked to my sister on the phone for an hour and a quarter. She encouraged me that'll I'll land on my feet. Encouraged me to make sure he takes full responsibility for his side. And encouraged me not to make decisions tomorrow. And yes, I can call her after.

We also talked about ways to make new friends. She suggested a book club. Suggested getting S12 involved in local sports in our nearby town. And we talked about me getting my real estate license which I have wanted to for a long time.

So...I don't want to be in the here and now. My heart hurts. I have to believe I will heal. How will I ever act "as if" if I tell him the relationship isn't working for me either?

He may want to go to MC with me. He said he would tell me tomorrow. Is that a bad idea? Should I do both? IC and MC? Is that okay with the same therapist?


You don't have to give him any answers immediately. You can validate and say "I'd like to think about that for a little bit."

As for MC - you're getting ahead of yourself. If he's interested you can say "We can certainly look into that together."

MC/IC same person - only if both parties are okay with it; personally I would not do that but I believe others on here have. (I did it once where H went first and then I went with him jointly and I did not feel that I was treated fairly because she'd heard "his" side first.). You can talk about that with your IC, too.

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Thanks, Vera. We had been talking about MC for a while. I need IC for myself. I suspect he wants MC only to prove it's over. But I don't know that for sure.

Recently he said he wanted MC to find out what really went wrong in our relationship.

There must be something that happened recently to trigger him to make a decision. I know he's been unhappy for a while with this arrangement. It's too much pressure to live two lives at the same time. He!! It's hard enough with one life!

I'll relax about tomorrow. He's really not been hasty in his decisions before.

I'm just not okay with "letting him go" and I've got to get to that point. I see the wisdom in GAL. I don't even work outside the home so unless I purposely go out to do things, I'm surrounded constantly with our life that we built here together. I think it's eating me up.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Quote:
So...I don't want to be in the here and now. My heart hurts. I have to believe I will heal.


You will heal, it takes a while but it happens, like grieving any other loss.

Quote:
How will I ever act "as if" if I tell him the relationship isn't working for me either?


You can "act as if" but like Jack said, be prepared.

And as Vera say, you don't have to make any statements tomorrow. That's probably best.

Is the R working for you?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Posts: 1,696
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Not this R. It's not working for me.

Maybe some other R. But not this one. I can't imagine saying that out loud.
I guess I could practice. I'm so weak. frown

But it's true I hate living in limbo.

He called just now. We didn't talk about R. We talked about me getting my real estate license in Jul/Aug because of the money and the nights he'd have to stay with S12. We laughed and talked about getting our home we live in ready to sell if need be. I still have no idea what he's going to say. Didn't pressure him.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
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"I'm so weak. "

you're just scared. the most courageous things are done by people who are scared.

you can do this.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Hang in there. You're stronger than you realize. God bless.

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