So let's remember again why I miss being a part of H's family.
MIL came this morning to pick up the dog. She has the day off and wanted to let mine play with hers in their massive back garden.
Remember shovel-gate of mid May? I told him I was going to buy my own and he said don't be silly and I said no really it's fine. And then he brought me one from his mom while he was helping GF move?
Well I keep forgetting to give it to him to bring to MIL so I put it next to the front door. When she came over, we talked, we laughed, it was good.
Then I said oh and do you want to take this (point at shovel) Her: Do I? (as if i was offering a bag of dirt) Me: It's yours I keep forgetting to give it to h. [if looks could kill fellow DBers I would not be alive to type these words] Her: oh is it....see I don't know. H just takes things and then they show back up. When was this? (she's trying to lighten the mood but I'm sitting there thinking is she upset at him or upset at the fact he loaned it to me? He's made mention that she is sometimes a bit upset about the amount he's involved with me) Me: Um I don't know back when he helped GF (I even used her name GO ME) move. I'm sure he told you because he said that you'd said Make sure you bring it back because FIL will miss it. Her: oh yes he would. okay right then I shall take it.
INTEGRITY PEOPLE!!!! This man constantly tells people what they want to hear. He knows she would have said why doesn't Brit buy her own shovel. Which Brit said the same damn thing. And I bet he never mentioned any of this to GF because it's all too weird. That he would bring me a shovel he borrowed from his mom even though I didn't ask for it. All I want is someone transparent who doesn't lie or hide things because he thinks it's fine but they'll be upset.
He told me (recently) that when we met he was still going over to ex-GF's and mowing her lawn without telling me because I'd said she owned the house not him, she should be taking care of his own lawn. It just made me feel like I never knew him. When he said this I said "Great now I'm the [ex-GFs name]"
In other news his ebay password is saved on the "family computer" and I when i opened the page I saw his watch list. I know I know. Anyway...he's bought home ware type things. They were all themed or had to do with HER interests. I literally LOL'd. Not only is this man not focusing on him, he's completely immersing himself in her. The first time I saw his ebay was mid April. He was watching a few tshirts and wall art that were all his interests. And he'd bought her a key chain. But now everything is obviously her...he's never even had a passing interest in this stuff.
His mom remarked on how amazing I looked. And part of me in an evil way can't wait for shovel gate to explode in his face.
I texted him to remove my cc from his paypal so I can create my own that I was selling some clothes. He replied, said he did and congrats on going down so many sizes. I just said thanks.
one thing I wish I had done in hindsight was say that I hadn't asked for the shovel that I was going to buy one and H said don't spend money on something you'll use 3 times a year.
Because when shovel gate blows up, it'll end up sounding like I asked H and he didn't stand up to me. And he'll let everyone think that instead of owning up to wanting to do something for me.
So, the way I read this stuff about the shovel, it sounds more like he is a people pleaser and doesn't want anyone to get upset to he says what he thinks they want to hear rather than the truth but it's not for nefarious purposes. That is, it's not thoughtless lack of integrity. H used to do this too - tell me a partial/incomplete truth because he thought I'd get upset at the whole truth when in reality I was more upset that he didn't just tell me the whole truth. I think it's a fixer/control issue but comes across as an integrity issue but the roots are actually deeper.
Heh - I initially typed "depper" and had a Johnny Depp moment.
I have seen this happen over and over again. I think I even said that he and I got into a big fight because he sent me a text that was meant for GF. It was flirty or lovey dovey but I replied and sorta said what are you talking about and then two seconds later said oh wait never mind that meant for her. And he tried to CONVINCE me that it was for me. Even saying that I was being too suspicious. Of course it made me feel like a nutcase and if he'd just said "yeah, oops sorry" it would have been fine.
This was a major problem in our M that I never knew if he really wanted to do something or was just saying that to please me. He routinely does things he doesn't want to do because he doesn't want to upset anyone. All he does is drift.
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H used to do this too - tell me a partial/incomplete truth because he thought I'd get upset at the whole truth when in reality I was more upset that he didn't just tell me the whole truth.
This was a major problem in our M that I never knew if he really wanted to do something or was just saying that to please me. He routinely does things he doesn't want to do because he doesn't want to upset anyone. All he does is drift.
So, the way I'm trying to take this, the question is: was there anything in our behavior that made them feel like this was the only way to get information across to us? Were we too harsh (needlessly or without justification) when other truths were revealed that reinforced their beliefs that it was easier for them to tell us what we wanted to hear? Is there anything that we can change about how we deal with them to make it clear that telling the truth is a safe thing and will not be met with scorn? Ruminating...
I think this was an issue since day one. I think it's part of his personality that came before our R. Because I've seen this from day one. I think in the beginning he didn't have to say what I wanted to hear because he was happy to go along with anything I said or did. (GB summed this up great) He only had to lie to me when it came to his ex-GF. Because those were our only contentious issues!
I think that over time things he hadn't voiced an opinion on began to upset him more and more. He also routinely would be upset when he'd be booked up helping others with things that he'd agreed to do. It would drive me crazy because like Zig says we just want to say well than don't do that.
It's a pattern because if he thinks he'll upset you, he'll say it in a pouty embarrassed voice which then puts you in a position where you have to feel weird. He's not telling me anything anymore. He thinks I will be upset if I hear anything about his life.
I just think that the above sitch reinforced to me the man's issues in himself that he does with his relationships over and over not only to me but with his mom. I can guarantee you that his GF doesn't know how much he comes over or how much contact we have. And given her neediness at the start of them dating I'm sure she would flip.
I guess the point I was trying to make gets back to the beginner's mind - if we see things as a part of their personality, we believe it can't change. If we re-frame it as a habit, we see that it could change. Maybe if you mention offhand in a breezy way that you heard he did X, that's cool, so that you show you don't have an issue in it, he wouldn't say it in a pouty voice or think you'll be upset if you hear anything about his life. Does that make sense?
I guess the point I was trying to make gets back to the beginner's mind - if we see things as a part of their personality, we believe it can't change. If we re-frame it as a habit, we see that it could change. Maybe if you mention offhand in a breezy way that you heard he did X, that's cool, so that you show you don't have an issue in it, he wouldn't say it in a pouty voice or think you'll be upset if you hear anything about his life. Does that make sense?
God you're right and actually what I was doing is what Grace suggested yesterday seeing something in him as an ALWAYS to help with the disappointment.
That's exactly what I did yesterday...mention something he'd done with GF and it was fine. He hasn't talked in that voice to me in awhile but then again he hasn't talked to me about his life. I was also fine asking following up questions last week when he said they went to that event.
I have also not offered my opinion or advice since the bomb drop.
I'm not even sure if I want to reconcile. or if I'll ever have that opportunity. Being reminded this morning of the way he people pleases himself into trouble turned my stomach.
It's not just the people pleasing but the drifting. And not doing anything when he's in an unhappy sitch. I could give example after example. But it just drained me.
when I met him I thought he knew who he was and was caught up in a bad sitch...I don't even know if that was true. He was much more confident when we met.
I wonder though if the things we are recognizing and not liking about our spouses are the flip side of the things we do like and the reasons we fell in love with them. I believe that everyone's best qualities are linked to the things they struggle with..
it makes more sense now to remember the flip side, the things we don't like as we try to detach..
but the reason we still feel so much when we have contact is that we are reminded of the good qualities and times, even though we don't want to right now..
i know that whenever i hear from W, (even the small two one emails) i focus on the negative of how she says things and it reinforces the things I don't like about her,
but then, without a conscious effort, after the contact ends, I feel sad and miss her....
which makes me feel crazy bc I have just focused all this attention on her negatives...how could i feel this for someone I just thought was so horrible..sounds awfully masochistic
but I think my heart knows what my mind doesn't want to admit, that she is both.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
