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Brit45 Offline OP
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Because two family members had commented on a photo of H, I saw it in my FB timeline. It was a photo of him and GF and her family at what looked like a wedding.

Oddly it didn't really bother me. I could go into a few of the reasons but what happened next is important.

Because it didn't bother me, I kinda tested myself and looked at his profile.

One of her friends had put up 3 pics of him.

Two were the photos of the family posing together. The third was one of her friends posing for the camera but in the background was him leaning up against a fence looking absolutely MISERABLE. GF was stood about two steps away and up from him and some guy was kinda looking at him.

Let me just tell you I don't miss at all going to family events, formal functions, business functions, parties at friends at houses, anything that involves socializing and having to baby sit him or circulating myself and glancing over and there he is with this MISERABLE POUTING FACE.

I laughed out loud. And then I took a screen shot of the photo on my phone. I had started to believe that he was only that way towards the end, he was different in the beginning of our R, and the difference was me or him being unhappy. Either way HE HASN'T CHANGED!

yes, I wish that he'd find happiness and not go to events that he won't enjoy. But it goes a long way towards stopping my fantasies of him suddenly being a different partner with a new GF.

Also he certainly misses us. This meant he texted me the day after this wedding maybe after he got home, then he made plans with S yesterday and last week when he'd come back from this weekend away with her, he texted me first thing the next morning and asked to come over that night. I don't want to be the "I stepped out of my comfort zone with GF" now I want to check in with Brit, I'm not sure how to handle that.

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that is funny in a twisted way. guess the GF has him doing stuff he doesnt like. either he is going to keep being miserable or heis going to do something about it. i wouldnt say he stepped out of his CZ at all. standing around not talking seems to be his CZ. i would say its a positive that he wanted to stop by and see you. a huge positive planning an outing with your S! keep doing whats working brit! you seem in a good place and it might be rubbing off..


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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zig Offline
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don't handle it - indifference and detachment means no matter what he is or isn't doing - you stay consistent in your behavior towards him - on all levels.

hey -good one on the FB pics of him miserable. and it breaking your thoughts on him being totally different with her. that helps me a lot . h said SO MUCH about that after the bomb - that it really affected and i was imagining him leading this supercool jet set life with her, when he's with her.

but you are soooo right - they take the misery with them - and ow can't see it yet because it's honeymoon stage.

stay strong girl.hey and don't care whether he misses you - that's not being detached right? me, myself, i'm still exploring the parameters of detachment!!

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Brit45 Offline OP
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Thanks guys!

Dakota you make you laugh!
Quote:
standing around not talking seems to be his CZ

this is very very true. There were times and moments when he wasn't this way, but that face he had in the picture. I remember that face and I remember being embarrassed in front of my friends/family/coworkers that he would literally find a corner and pout.

Quote:
they take the misery with them

It's sad because I do want him to be happy. And he's still not happy with himself or being himself or whatever. People who are happy with themselves don't act that way in public settings.

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it breaking your thoughts on him being totally different with her. that helps me a lot . h said SO MUCH about that after the bomb - that it really affected and i was imagining him leading this supercool jet set life with her, when he's with her.

I think because H had described her as being a lot like a girl he had a crush on before we met who is very UNLIKE me and told me that she and him were very alike and that he could listen to her talk about her job forever. I don't know...I thought that in general he was a happier person with her.

I left our sitch and I've been on a freakin hell of a journey but you know what I feel so much happier and more comfortable in my skin.

My IC offhandedly mentioned once "well if this guy wants to be independent so much he's not going to be happy with a needy girl" When I saw that picture I thought he's just traded being miserable at my events to being miserable at her events and done it pretty quickly!

I do want him to be happy. But his choices and the level of happiness he decides he comfortable living with is none of my business.

Zig, thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow road of detachment.

I have a VERY busy weekend coming up.

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thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow road of detachment.

oh groan -wish i could keep ME on it as easily. but as others have said on this board countless times - in reading other's posts and seeing where they are struggling with something, really helps each of us to see where we can get better at something ourselves.

always a hidden agenda isn't there? (grin)

oh, cynical world...

no really - it's easier to see where the little catches are in someone else's sitch and it really helps us apply them to our own, i'm starting to discover

and to sort of refer to the convo on needgrace's thread - it's an opportunity to do better

busy this weekend - hope you're gal'ing off the charts

zig

ps - i liked very much what your IC said -


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Brit45 Offline OP
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I've decided I'm giving myself 2 weeks to decide on whether or not to move from the place I'm renting. TBH, it would be so much upheaval for S because we're near his school. And this place allows a pet. I'm thinking that staying still is the best thing. It's only really another year until S finishes school (scary thought) and then I could move anywhere in the country (again scary thought) so I think I'm leaning towards living cheap for the next year and then evaulating.

I said on someone's thread that if my IC had said okay you're unhappy but it's not like you're in danger in you M. Let's work on getting you happier with you for say 6 months, a year and then make a decision. How this whole thing could have turned out differently. I'm applying that to this sitch too my threshold of patience and time has changed so much. I'm appreciating the gift of time like never before.

H kept talking about my schedule (and how I always had plans and lists) How much better is life with no schedule?

Maybe I'll have more kids maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move home one day maybe I won't. Maybe H and I will work out maybe not. Let's just work on me being happier with me and then reevaulate.

PS one of the things I am routinely grateful for is this board. I don't know how many times I have turned to you guys for help/support/knowledge. I feel as thought I've learnt and grown so much in the past month from finding you. I'm grateful for the friends I've made and from the support of knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. others feel the same way. it's not unique. My M problems are very common. This is a fantastic community.

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Putting these here because I think I'd like to look back on it.

Woke up from a dream that I was in my house and saw H through the window coming in the gate. I was upset (noting all my emotions) because I wasn't prepared for visitors. I was in pjs. I went to the door upset and annoyed and tried to compose myself and said you didn't call. He said something about gardening and wanted to show me what he'd done

He cut down the entire hedge on the side of the house and dug a drain or ditch. I was outraged slightly violated and shocked. You can't cut down a hedge my hedge without asking!

We went over to a vehicle that now looking back was similar to one we used to own. Inside we started talking. I was asking him about things he'd done and things going on in his like. It was all GF's work, GF's family, etc etc I was trying to be friendly and upbeat but I did say a few things that looking back were to point out things he was doing wrong and it didn't seem to bother him at all. I brought up something that I knew about but pretended I didn't and he started and then said no, I shouldn't tell you.

Also randomly a fox and a lynx ran past I said I'd never seen one and he said it was the truck

I woke up confused. But at ate same time feeling wonderful in my bed, cozy, and last night for the first time I didn't feel strange going to bed alone, turning off lights, locking up, I felt fine. I noticed that and was happy.

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I was reading Pema Chodron quotes last night and found this. It made me cry:


Quote:
“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World


But what jumped out to me is as I'm reading the story like I always do in puzzles and riddles I'm analyzing from all angles, I'm thinking how can she solve this, and then she sees the strawberries. And I think oh this is what she'll do...she throw a strawberry up on the cliff and the mouse will eat the strawberry and leave her vine alone..saving her from the tigers below.

But when I finish the story, I'm overwhelmed by outcome and the lesson.

Then I meditated a bit about what my thought process was and why. If the woman had thrown the strawberry and distracted the mouse...what kind of life would she have lived dangling from a vine. She might have earned herself a few more hours, maybe the tigers above would have left. My instinct was not to enjoy the moments I had but to plan, scheme and survive. I keep thinking I've gotten to a place of living in the moment and enjoying the moment but I still have a long way to go.

I think the lesson I took from that was that I should see more things in my life as gifts rather than solutions. What "strawberries" am I wasting on things in my life? Am I throwing away strawberries that are there for me to eat?

I know this may sound crazy, but it really spoke to me in a strange way. And my reaction spoke even more to me.

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i really like that. i need to eat a strawberry when i have the chance. not think about it, wonder why its there, etc..just eat it and enjoy.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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Brit45 Offline OP
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Was looking for the link to the Pursuit/Distancer info and started reading my own thread.

The last bomb was May 22 and in the words of Virginia Slim (Or Peggy if you watch Mad Men) you've come a LONG way baby)

Quote:
I have to take a new path which is non-pursuit, no manipulation, not being selfish, not sabotaging our friendship or his new R, I want to get through a day without beating myself up over something that happened between us or mistakes I made. That's my first goal.

I've DONE that! How amazing! In the past everytime we'd have a good interaction I would overstep the line, act rash, etc. it's been a few weeks and I've achieved this goal

Quote:
Can you love someone and let them make choices even when those choices hurt you? And can you do THAT while keeping enough detachment to not take it personally, not see it as a rejection, and not be a victim.

YES! for the first time when I saw something about H & GF (those pictures at the wedding) I didn't take it as a rejection of me.

Quote:
And *if* we tried again I would hope that he would find the space to stand up and state what he wants because I would have stopped being selfish and demanding.

What I've learned is that in any of my R when I am selfish/demanding/controlling I take away people's ability to be themselves because I'm doing it for them.


Quote:
I read back over my very first thread and I came to a little bit of a conclusion. The pattern that's been happening is that he lets me in to be his friend and I get expectations and do something to scare him. I never hear from him on weekends because he's with her. We had started to build a very nice friendship with him sending me funny texts etc. What did I do? have expectations which led to the bomb being that much harder to take and act rash. I acted rash about him taking an item from the garage and I really acted rash during the bomb.

Regardless of his choices, I'm not doing a very good job of being consistent. He keeps saying he doesn't want to lead me on. So what happens he opens himself up to being my friend and I show him that I'm still in love with him.

I'm taking that off the table which should be pretty easy considering the fact that I think he has things to work on which he isn't doing currently. It's completely out of my hands right now. And I KNOW I do that he probably thinks we just need some space after my outburst. And he's maybe wondering if he can even be friends because of my smothering.


I think this is what my dream was saying again. He did something drastic removed the hedge and put in a drain (which isn't that a symbol of a boundary and a drain/ditch is the opposite of stopping something it's starting a flow.) I over react and say you can't just DO THAT! I act rash without finding out why. I'm just angry that I didn't know and wasn't consulted and it just seems crazy/outrageous. But he made a decision I acted crazy. Then later in the dream I "tested" him. Asked him about something I already knew about that I knew he wasn't sharing with me (again the theme of me putting in situations that he's not ready for) and then he tells me he's can't tell me, he's not going to.

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