i'm reading tonight - following cadets list of links for mlc reading
found this post and was really touched by it . it describes our ups and downs so well. it's on a thread called "MLC depression is torture"
Laurie and Snodderly,
I am trying hard not to put any pressure on my H. In fact I have so little contact with him, that it would be more difficult to put pressue on him. But I know that I put lots of pressure on myself. Pressure to be strong, to get over this, to let go, to forgive, to be patient, to do so many things that are so difficult. This grieving is so much harder than nany of my other losses (mother, father, brother, grandparents). You expect people in your life to die, but I never expected my H to betray me and leave. But you all have helped me so much. I know this is about him and I am not taking it so personally anymore. My C is helping me to work on my negative thoughts and how they spiral down sometimes. I guess nobody can help me with the missing part. I miss having him here so much. Miss his laugh and his arms and his love. That is what I resent about other woman. she has those. I know it is not all roses for them but I don't get to see any of the evidence of his pain or depression. I jsut see him making his comittment to her more permanent every day. I know I can't do anything about that and so I try to put it out of my mind, but alas I am weak. he creeps in on me when I least expect it and boom, I'm down. but I know I will get better, I know I will survive and all of that. It just looks like it is so far away from here. So bare with me as I crawl my way through this tunnel. I seem to need your constant reminders that I will be okay.
God has blessed me with many good people in my life and he led me to this bb for a reason. Because I need the support of caring people like you who don't judge my feelings and will always let me cry or rage at the injustice of my H actions.
thank you jaycee
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
And about the film maker, your H has decided he doesn't want to be your H. If other men find you attractive and interesting, so be it. You didn't seek it out, it came to you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i felt a bit goofy asking for a pat on the back, but i will admit that 10+ months of absolutely no positive feedback from h has been wearing me down.
i really have got to the point that i am so willing to lose this relationship - but what i'm NOT yet willing to lose is the possibility of the three of us being able to have good moments together. that, i won't give up .
we have been a very tight family and more so because of attachment parenting and i just want this for s -
you're right - i didn't seek it, it came to me. that's a good way of looking at it.
thank you labug for walking through yet another storm with me these past few days - it seems as if you've become my "fairy godmother" stepping in to guide me when i get really lost in the storm (sorry to be so mushy - but i look back over the last few months, and every time i 'lost it' you just quietly popped up on my thread and stayed until i was through it - amazing)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i'm moving to where the focus needs to be - on me. so today at IC, i walked in with three specify issues i need to talk about and stuck to them. C was happy and pointed out how unfocused i had been, and was glad to see my shift. last session had ended with her making a note that we should talk about my feelings of hurt, betrayal and forgiveness.
but when i came in i said i wanted to talk about anxiety, obsessive thinking and detachment, and when she brought the other 3 up i said - i can't do those until i work on these. i could see she was really happy.
we spent most of the time talking about obsessive thought patterns - i admitted (for the first time how this has been a pattern always for me, not just during this sitch and how i can see that now - that there was always something i obsessed about - work, parenting issues, ex h, and now h)
i thought i'd journal her suggestions - for myself as well as for others here.
she first talked about how seductive ruminating is - it's sort of a mind addiction, that gives us the false feeling that we are "solving" the problem. all solutions come in the first 15 mins of ruminating and then the rest is just falling into the cycle and has no positive function at all.
she said that she was a follower of Stephen Llardi who wrote "The Depression Cure" and had done a lot of research on this.
I asked for specific tools to help me get started with dropping the obsessive thought patterns
1. exercise and getting out 2. good healthy sleep patterns 3. structure during our day 4. stop ruminating 5. fish oil
then we focused on how to stop ruminating:
1. learn to recognize when you start doing it (notice then decide) 2. use techniques to change falling into it when you recognize it such as: - shift from inside your head to the outside world - for a big thing : step outside or put an ice cube on wrist or temple - makes the brain shift it's focus - talk out loud - deep breathing - engage in an activity - e.g.. go clean a drawer - move to a different setting - write down your thoughts (max. 5 mins) - limit ruminating for 5 mins (that includes talking about it, posting about it, crying about it)
then i asked her - how does one get through some big thing - like finding out WAS was with ow for 10 days.
that led to the interesting discussion of SELF-REGULATING. to learn to self regulate one's emotions so that no matter what the 'bomb' is we should learn to not be overcome by it and let it take us down the hole.
SELF REGULATION IS MY RESPONSIBILITY.
i know that these are really obvious things, but i needed a reminder and thought it may help some others too.
we talked a bit about how we have to retrain our brains to stop these cycles.
we didn't have time to go really deeply into the anxiety issues - but i think that just starting to do these things will give me a chance to get to dealing with that.
hope this helps someone else too. sometime i feel that the simplest solutions that are right under my nose are the ones that elude me the most.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
so happy for all you've done. It always seems to me that right after a lot of turmoil you can have a MASSIVE breakthrough. You've done a lot of hard work and it's showing in several areas.
When you are calm, confident, and happy others are attracted to that which is what that guy saw!
Quote:
so the goal for me now, is to focus on the patterns i see that muck us up, and find a way to change them. i feel as if i really achieved something today in one of our most sensitive issues.
This may be semantics but I just wanted to point out that you said patterns that muck US up and find a way to change them. Your only job is to find a way for you change your behaviour and how you might be mucking things up. Don't take responsibility for the entire sitch or pattern. Just like you saw today one persons shift can cause the other person to change their behaviour.
Thank you so much for the wisdom from your IC and the letter from your friend. I have bookmarked both of them. Very very helpful!
i know Brit - i thought about that - they do muck US up - and i never understood why until i saw MY pattern and changed that. when i changed the other patterns i was focusing completely on myself - only thinking about why i had to change for myself - sincerely.
but this was the first time, i saw that who i handled it would completely change OUR interaction - and that's why if felt like such an achievement for me. it still came back to me - figuring out where i was still being the fixer, but when i actually got it, it was so simple, that i immediately saw how it could change US.
this one i didn't see in the context of "trying to save our marriage', i saw it in the process of coming to terms with fighting the idea that h was going to be in my life no matter which way this ended - and i was simply damned if i was going to function this way any longer. i think it came from a place of despair that i've carried for so many years on this issue.
When you are calm, confident, and happy others are attracted to that which is what that guy saw!
yes, brit - you hit it on the nail; - that's the explanation for what happened, and now when i read what you wrote, i see it in all my interactions these days - people seem to be drawn to me in ways that i've never known before, even when i am being really emotional.
even the guy at the applecare help desk - by the time i got off the phone with him we were practically flirting !!
i'm glad you pointed that out - that was is more than my initial reaction which was "am i attracting someone else into my life" which was worrying me a little!!
thanks for the encouragement - and you're right - sometimes the huge turmoil brings the inner movement and breakthrough - now i just have to learn to do it so that i don't have to put everyone else through while i go through it.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
you're welcome vera - the fish oil - his theory is that humans are evolutionally not all that far from the hunting/gathering stage and that our bodies need this still
IC gave me a good source for it - hope it's ok to post it here. she said she paid about $7/month for it as opposed to $20-25. i haven't checked it out yet but here's the place:
vitacost dot com (that's the website)
these are the details of what this guy researched and chose as the best one if you want to source it elsewhere mega efa's 2/day 1000 mg EPA/500 mg DHA Molecularly Distilled
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
