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no 2x4's needed from what i see in the above post wink

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no - that was the part that i did really well.

here comes the unexpected part.

i was sort of quiet in the truck on the way there- not usual for me, usually i'm a bit nervous and so i babble. instead s was sort of babbly - i think he gets a bit nervous when the 3 of us are together.

so we get to the film studio - and the teacher comes to intro himself. h sort of takes over super confidently, intros himself, then just by passes me and intros s (i'm standing next to h and s is a few feet away). as i had expected him to intro me next, i'd already stuck my hand out, and there was this odd moment when the guy didn't know who's hand to shake - i just kept my hand out quietly with a pleasant smile on my face, unperturbed, while h fumbled a bit and then intro'd me by my name. the guy shook my hand before s's - and i could see that he had picked up on the vibes right away!!

h was very uncomfortable - this has happened several times - and the first time i called him on it - months ago (actually after a night we slept together). he admitted that he didn't know how to introduce me anymore - and i just said, use my name. he'd always intro'd me as his wife before.

today though, i felt the disrespect a bit and was actually not upset - just said to myself oh well that's where he's at - still trying to figure things out.

well then the teacher really got into explaining everything to us - and it took quite a while. but the weirdest thing happened. he started talking almost entirely to me - SERIOUS eye contact and pretty intense. really intense - and it didn't help that he was really attractive!

h was not happy - he moved off to the side and i watched his demeanor go from very confident to quite anxious (he does some very specific things when he's anxious and they only started after the affair started). i could see him trying not to look at us!!

i stayed very relaxed, friendly and did interact with the guy - looking directly at him. i absolutely did not flirt - but it may have looked like i was enjoying the contact???

(when h had called me to say we could go down there right away, he had stressed how much he had liked the guy on the phone - he was really great! on the other hand i had been quite hesitant about the whole thing so had walked in there with mixed feelings. five mins after seeing the place and the set up (before the eye contact thing, i was already convinced that s would love it)

back in the truck - h started complaining about something minor that happened in there, sounding like he did not want s to go. s and i stayed really relaxed and didn't push it ( i have recently talked to s about letting h participate in making decisions like this and for us to stay patient), and we talked of other things.

then s complimented h big time on his teaching skills and h looked abashed - i reached over and touched his arm lightly and added my compliments too (first time i have touched him in a long while) - he was really pleased - and i thought - wow s and i rarely ever really really tell him something like that.

when we got to the house, i immediately turned to s (who was unstrapping himself ready to get out) and said okay see you sweetheart, give me a hug. making it clear i didn't expect them to stay ( i usually let them dawdle) and asked h so when do we want to decide about this?

h allowed us to have a wonderful family moment - really warm and wonderful - and believe me there have been pretty much none until today - where we voted together and decided. he played the teasing game with s pretending to say no and we all laughed together. i got out happily and went in.

i was really pleased - even if this is temporary - it's been my goal for soooo long - that h allows us to have some good moments together. so i feel as if i achieved something little here. it's not so much for myself as for s. i keep thinking that i want s to have good memories of the 3 of us together even if h and i aren't. he finally allowed us one.

so the goal for me now, is to focus on the patterns i see that muck us up, and find a way to change them. i feel as if i really achieved something today in one of our most sensitive issues.

do you think it's better to stay totally quiet or can i send h a text saying "so glad that you and i made s so happy today, thanks"

because we really did - and i felt for once, really once, we did it together.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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I wanted to share with all of you what a really good friend, who has always guided me to take the higher road sent me today. I also included her lovely message. She and I are gal'ing saturday night, as she invited me to a concert with her.



Dearest Zig,
One of my dear friends is experiencing much prolonged grief since deaths of her father then mother. She was sent this beautiful email which I will forward to you, knowing that grief is universal, regardless the cause.
I am glad we will enjoy some time and meaningful, beautiful music together Sat.
Love,
A

Have been thinking so much about your grief, your loss, and how easily I forget about its presence in your waking life and how it can violently shake your dreams. I must try to be distracted less, and attentive more…to remember that, as Shakespeare said:
“Grief lies within and the external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul.”
I forget that grief seems so much like fear, anxiety and ceaseless dread…. Has carved out our innards, and rings in our hollowed out body so loudly that we, at times, have to reduce life to rote and try to keep our feelings at some distance… as if they were living in some remote cabin by a lonely lake… whose cold waters we might very well like to jump into and drown.
I forget that grief acts like some other thing, because it does not want to show itself in its rawness, is ashamed about its nakedness…so, if it goes out, at all, it has to dress itself up and venture out in its dark cloak and veil, into the assault of the world, hoping that it won’t be seen and go about, anonymously on its daily rounds.
There is the adage that “time cures all” and we are encouraged to go with the flow, to bow and accept, to act by the grace of reason. But what if the flow is a raging torrent taking us to the precipitous falls…what if we get on bended knee and lower our head in consecration, only to have it ingloriously chopped off…what if there is no reason, but all is madness. Maybe it is better, like Dylan Thomas says, to “rage, rage at the dying of the light” and become a marauder in this imperfect, terrorized world.
I simply don’t know. I do believe that grief changes…that it goes from grief to the memory of grief and ultimately the world is restored….that there comes a time when we wake up and lift ourselves up. Like the sparrow I saw this morning, weighed down by life’s gravity, then opened it its wings so easily and flew over the bayberrys and up into a nearby Oak.
And I do believe, though it seem a feral beast, we can care for grief, can ritually set out a bowl for it, daily, and let it come near and perhaps it will eventually yield to the slightest/lightest of touches… or maybe we will have to settle for admiring its strange beauty and let that be enough, knowing that it still needs us.

I ran across a poem by Mary Oliver which contains some similar thoughts (though with better metaphors and craft):

Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must
take care of what has been
given. Brush her hair, help her
into her little coat, hold her hand,
especially when crossing a street. For, think,
what if you should lose her? Then you would be
sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness
would be yours. Take care, touch
her forehead that she feel herself not so
utterly alone. And smile, that she does not
altogether forget the world before the lesson.
Have patience in abundance. And do not
ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment
by herself, which is to say, possibly, again,
abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult,
sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child.
And amazing things can happen. And you may see,
as the two of you go
walking together in the morning light, how
little by little she relaxes; she looks about her;
she begins to grow.

It’s a fine sentiment, and I hope you will be able to offer yourself that tenderness...


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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i had to post again - more proof that my 180 worked, in terms of changing a pattern. i've simply stopped being the fixer and h seems to be jumping into the role

h called and tried to say that he just couldn't deal with setting up a play date for tomorrow and he'd have to wait until my appointment finished and drop s off. there was definitely an expectant tone from him waiting mfor me to jump in and offer to do it myself

i pointed out that he wouldn't be able to spray his house and work all morning and his reply was a bit self-pitiful - that's the hard facts of life, i guess i'll have to deal with

i didn't respond, then he said i guess i should set it up but i don't have anyone's phone numbers and it's too much trouble.

me: i'm happy to give you the phone number and yes it would be really nice if you set it up. he immediately replied very decisively, okay then i'll do it

called back later and the kid couldn't play in the morning but only in the afternoon at my place. he offered to bring them over here and i said great see you at 12.

what i learned: STOP OFFERING TO DO STUFF NON-STOP!!!

was definitely doing that too much. i just stopped!! and it feels damn good!

when i don't offer to do stuff - he realizes he can actually do it and do it well.

he might as well start doing this - if he's not coming back, it would be goofy at the least that s only has play dates every other week!

i did take the opportunity during the second call to say thank you and that we did a wonderful thing for s today and made s really happy. he seemed to respond pretty positively to that


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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have you gotten to the part where we're supposed to have our 2x4's ready yet? because I don't see it wink

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no 2x4's from me. i'm glad you are letting him feel the effects of his decision to not let you be his wife. i know you're married, legally.

he can't have it both ways and you are showing him this.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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you are awesome zig! i think you handled today so so well...

all the work you put in over the past few days to be ready in both heart and mind really seemed to pay off..

BRAVO!


Me(f): 51 W: 41
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"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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zig Offline OP
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well - the part about that teacher guy - intensely interacting with me, right in front of h!

i figured someone would tell me off about being careful not to flirt with other men around the WAS! i wash;t flirting , but i also wasn't NOT making eye contact myself and enjoying it a little bit.

am i feeling guilty here? a little twinge of it. the attraction was actually a little intense.

on the other hand - what's wrong with looking around, right? - except i didn't expect it to happen IN FRONT of h and s!

if i was totally honest it left me a little shaken for a bit.


btw, is anyone going to give me a tiny little pat on the back for doing the biggest 180 and changing what was probably our most troublesome pattern ever???

or is it only me who can see what i did:)

thanks vera - you're too sweet


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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thanks scaredsilly.

i finally got to this point, and i wasn't even close to it yesterday this time.

i woke up this morning on the tail end of a dream that i don't remember, but as i woke up, i was saying to myself - let him do it.

and suddenly it was just clear, how i needed to handle it so that it was really positive, non-confrontational and effective. give him the chance and not be impatient and have no expectations.

i set up GAL for this weekend with s back tomorrow - frisbee playing in the evening and a cook out with our friends for fri. then sat, s goes with in-laws to a outdoor symphony in another town while i go to a concert with my friend, and then we'll hang out after that.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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ok, I will affirm and validate...

you did a great 180... wink

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