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#2252003 - 06/07/12 01:21 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
how about another spanner in the works. i wrote the post back to you and then went to look at my horoscope - i'm just laughing, because i think the universe is telling me to CHILL OUT and calm down before making any moves

Think long and hard today before making any commitments, Zia. Much is at stake, especially where your love life is concerned. It is likely that a proposal of some sorts is coming your way. Do you know how you will answer? The events of the day may have you feeling that you are at a crossroads, when actually you are more on track than ever. The key to today lies in trusting your instincts and remaining true to your ideals

i know i'm feeling fed up and pissed off - never a good time to communicate in that state, is it.

i will go ahead about the fencing thing - but leave the second part out and see how it plays out.

as ces says, step back and look at the forest. i don't have to decide anything right now this minute. i don't have to push anything and constantly be right.

i'm off to hang out with those turtles - all day!!
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2252004 - 06/07/12 01:26 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I give myself 48 hours before I pull the trigger on any major decisions. Think about it, sit with it and see if what you're saying is in alignment with what you want after that period of time.

Quote:
h, i want to stick to the original schedule of friday to friday. also, i am not willing to take care of s, during any other times EXCEPT if you have to work, no exceptions. you'll have to make your own arrangements I will be happy to have S if you have to work during your week but for other events, I'm asking you to make other arrangements. I'd like to know about schedule changes a week in advance. i know i said earlier that i'd like first priority, but i've changed my mind "
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2252009 - 06/07/12 01:40 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks labug - my original version sounded defensive and angry after i read your corrections

and thanks for reminding me of the 48 hr rule - i forgot it in my frenzy, didn't i?

what is this stupid need i have to get things clear on my time, always? when will i learn?

you saved me through this -

thanks

((( )))
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2252011 - 06/07/12 01:47 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Only because I've walked this path and have an idea where the landmines are.

I used to be so afraid of making decisions because I was always taking everyone else into consideration.

And then there was the "What if I make the wrong decision?" fear. Figuring out who I am and what I want made all of that a lot easier. I still wrestle with it a bit but it's better. This place helps, my IC helps.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2252021 - 06/07/12 02:12 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Only because I've walked this path and have an idea where the landmines are.

they are land mines aren't they?

and that's what this board is about - helping people like me maneuver around them from people like you who have gone through it already.

i thought i knew what i was appreciating this board about, but now i'm really beginning to understand what is happening here.

as for what i want - i don't even know where to start: in terms of my life?
in terms of everyday stuff, in terms of what i do on my own regardless of what happens with h?

where did you start labug?

maybe it's a starting point that i'm just aware now that i don't know what i want. that it's okay to sit with that for a while and give it some space.

i'm just sad to find that out about myself. but sad is good, it's one step up from despair, so i can look at it as progress.

i listened to ester hicks this morning - it was a good one - she talked about staying in the cycle of despair/fear and how things just don't go well when you stay in that state and that it's about climbing up the emotional ladder. so if one can get oneself from fear/despair to anger, that's an improvement. she points out that it's not a good idea to stay at the anger stage for too long, but to keep moving up until you get to feeling good.

as soon as i listened to that, i saw how true it was from what i went through yesterday - i spent the whole day in a despair/fear state and then late in the evening that text from h, just tipped me over into fed up/anger state and i actually felt better and much more decisive than i had been all day.

i've learned enough now to recognize that this state is NOT the place from which to make decisions or say anything, so i am going to be proud of myself for recognizing that and wait until i can get to a higher emotional state where i can think positively and then decide and act. and in just appreciating myself for seeing that i've learned something actually makes me feel even that little bit better than i did a while ago

long ladder!!

yes, this place helps - a lot! but it's not the place - it's the wonderful amazing people here.
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2252031 - 06/07/12 02:23 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
I think the cell for your s is a great idea, especially, since your h can be so demanding. Asking you to handle the fencing is him treating you as a wife, IMO.
The drug my dr. prescribed for me is buspirone 10 mg (generic Buspar), 3x's a day. He wouldn't give me Xanax. He said too addictive. I got a 30 supply (90 pills) for about $5 with my insurance.

I hope they help. Lord knows I need some assistance with these peaks and valleys.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2252052 - 06/07/12 03:10 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: scaredsilly]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
well i am his wife and he damn well knows it!!
i didn't think of it that way. i think what perturbs me most is that what he wants is that i carry on with the wife/mom role while he goes out to play.

and it pisses me off! my ex did that too, in my first marriage. need to break this pattern for myself, why am i attracted to that kind of person.

hmm, that question made me think of what KD''s theories are with double binds am i some sort of self sabotager who sub consciously chooses partners who act this way and then i can hold it over them? yuck - i no like that picture at all

thanks for the med info - will look into it. i have a second apptmt with my IC tomorrow and will talk to her about it.
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2252055 - 06/07/12 03:18 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
LostIn407 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 186
I would definitely do the cell phone. Not sure what plan you have, but I am with AT&T and it is only $10/month for D13's phone. Shared minutes, but mobile to mobile is free.
_________________________
M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012

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#2252057 - 06/07/12 03:27 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: LostIn407]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks lost - there will be backlash from h. only he's allowed to change the status quo. whenever i act as if i don't care to talk to him, i get the schpeel on "how come you don't want to talk to me, how come you don't want to see me, aren't we good friends?" in a slightly whiny voice.

i have thought about it for a couple of months, and hesitated, not because of that, but actually because i don't think s will remember to carry it ever. but maybe it's time for me to entrust s with that responsibility now
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2252190 - 06/07/12 10:42 PM Re: Swimming with the Turtles [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i don't really know what took place today, and i bet i'll get a few 2 x4's here. it sort of happened so unexpectedly

first i think i did a good thing, i meditated, got myself in a good place, saw how i could change the pattern, and set myself down to write an email to h. he doesn't always check his mail so i texted him saying sent you an email.

he called back after teaching- and the convo went really well , i just expected it to and kept saying that to myself.

he started out by saying that he wanted to discuss the email, and we went through the fencing thing (he insisted that he hadn't said he was against what i arranged, i just stayed calm and said that it was the impression i had and that we could of course talk about it) . then we dealt with the other summer camp that s wants to attend and he agreed to call the guy and go over to meet him. ( i didn't expect anything - don't know how many times i've heard that)

then he said - well we have to figure out the schedule with s, and i said yes and waited - didn't suggest anything. he himself asked should we stick to friday to friday or do you want to try another way. i just said simply, i like the friday deal because it starts off the weekend, and is easier for me. he agreed and then said well tomorrow is friday and i just said yes it is, what time shall i expect to get s back.

he tried to muddle things a bit and i let him decide (give a little???) - it was left open while he arranges a play date - i made it clear that i had an appointment at 10. (i didn;t say why but he probably guessed it was w/ my IC)

then came the interesting part of the conversation - and i am proud of myself. the summer camp thing in july is all day everyday. the course he is teaching is until 1.30 everyday in june. if s does not go to the july course, he asked, what will he do then?

i replied, well the week he is with me i have no problem setting up play dates for him etc. you will have to make arrangements for him the week he's with you. (h does not do play dates, and besides he can't if he's in the studio or building his house)

he got a bit quiet and then said oh i'm not worried about that. i outright asked him very calmly that i wanted to verify whether he was pushing the summer camp for july so that his days would be covered and s had somewhere to go. his reply confirmed that he had definitely not thought of that.

as soon as we got everything clear - including that he would take care of s the weekend of the 14th as i would be out of town (he doesn't like that at all and has made several comments on it - i won't tell him where i'm going) , i said that i had to get back to work and thanked him for us getting everything clear.

he called back 10 mins later - he had already called the guy and wanted us to go down there in the next 15 mins, WOW - one of h's things is that he never takes care of stuff right away. so i think the way i handled it was correct.

so i asked him and s to swing by and pick me up. again he did something different - came in, used the bathroom, went into s's room (we rearranged it last week) - he hasn't gone in there for weeks - he's been avoiding the whole house. made a goofy comment about has s's bed moved a bit (it's well on the other side of the room. i laughed and said very relaxed - you haven't been gone so long that you couldn't remember where the bed used to be.

and we went to meet the film maker for s's course. in the car he asked sort of carefully - so has anyone called for play dates recently. i said yes and gave them the info (when kids call to play with s while he's at h's i tell them to call there)

that last was really telling for me - i am and have been entirely responsible for the play dates, which are a huge part of s's life and very important to him. that's the first time h has asked me - i think my making it clear that i wasn't arranging this stuff anymore for him really got through - a bit of a wake up call. the other thing is that in 10 months s has refused to have any play dates at h's house. only 2 of his friends know that he lives there every other week (i expect that to change when they move into the house h has bought)

more in my next post - will get to the 2 x 4 stuff then.
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
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