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just thought of what i will text him in the morning:

h, could you take care of signing s up for fencing, please, as i don't have the time for it today and i would appreciate the help, thanks zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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You are getting awesome advice, zig!

Thank you for admitting you are a workaholic. Admit that, own it, and work on it. I was, as well. I know what that's like.

Perhaps you are working on that and I must stress again...

Schedule GAL and time with son as strictly and with as much importance as you would with work.

I understand that work may put roof over head and food on plate...

But without a centred and strong mind and soul, your loss of self and s might be worse than a lost contract or billable hours.

Bug mentioned something really important which is, KNOW WHAT ZIG WANTS.

As far as flexible schedule, and as bad as the fixed schedule might seem, you may still be too early in that game to try to have even basic flexibility.

My W, without the SA, gave me very little time with kids last year. She "thought" she was. She's since realized she didn't. So with that admittance AND the SA, she STILL wants flexibility... and it appears to happen only when it is convenient for her.

You may want S to have some control over where he is, and that can happen... with time... but for now, like all boundaries with children, let them get used to the routine / boundaries... THEN introduce limited flexibility...

No matter what, check your motivations on flexibility...

Consider... your H might like flexibility because it makes child care convenient for him... and you're catering to that... double bind...

My W asks me for flexibility and I give... and then when I ask for flexibility it's like pulling teeth... not that I do... I cherish the time I DO have with my kids... I schedule everything else AROUND my time with my kids...

'nuff said from me, again...

like bug said...

decide what Zig wants...

because this is about Zig... no one else... just be the best mom you can be, under the circumstances that you find yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

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understand that what ever your H might be doing to work with you... he is doing it because it serves him...

you... are doing what serves you...

so how is WHAT you are doing, serving you?

Check that... and adjust as necessary...

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My only 2 cents is that a strict schedule would give you less communication with him with is good. I feel like there's way too much communication with H which is slightly screwing with your head.

Accept that things are changing and that you can't monitor it control H's parenting. If something comes up H has to learn to handle it. Know that S will be okay! It's hard to detach especially with issues involving kids. But I know you can do it!

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"he asked me to arrange a fencing class for s last week"

maybe he's asking too much of you? maybe this type of action should be his own? i don't know your arrangements for activities but could he have done this himself instead of asking you to do it?

zig, i did not mean to hurt your feelings. i could not even begin to read through all of the scenarios you were putting out there for comments on. it was stressing me out to try to keep it all straight. i can only imagine how you're feeling being in the middle of all of that.

what i saw in that post and the posts that followed (and you said so, yourself, several times) is a-n-x-i-e-t-y.

sometimes there is no answer until later. i have anxiety, too.

i went to my family doctor just yesterday for it. i got a prescription for a non-addictive, anti-anxiety medication. it's just too much for me to handle everything on my own right now without some assistance.

i also went to my yoga class last night and that helps, too.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Hey Zig, finally catching up on things. Hope you're feeling good today.

A few thoughts for you.

In regard to "rudderless", I agree with Bug about deciding what you want.

IMHO, we need to remember that while there are some standard practices for DB, it is designed to be flexible. a 180 for one person is typically NOT a 180 for another person. What is provided here is advice from many different views and experiences. But none of them are completely your view & experience. Ultimately, you are the one who grabs the rudder and decides where you want to take your life.

For me, I found myself falling into a consensus building practice on this board. And since there are so many different views (and I believe all given in good faith with a strong since of compassion and care to help) I found it paralyzing at times not knowing which way to go.

So here's another piece of advice you can choose to accept or decline. Stop analyzing everything. Focus on you, what you want, what's good for your son and then live. Step back and look at the forrest. You have a full spirit that comes out in your posts and its wanting to live fully. Details, over-analyzing, wondering what actions will create what response...it can all get so very tiring.

Some things you just have to deal with. No doubt about that. So tackle them and move on. You're son's lucky to have you. Keep enjoying those moments and he will too.

((((Zig))))


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
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Putting finances in order for "D"
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thanks everyone for your replies.

yes KD - you are right - i am getting good advice from everyone here - and yesterday i got myself balled up into such a knot that i couldn't take it.

it took a lot of hacking through for me to find out that i don't really know what i want. i have this image in my head - that i've had for years about how i would like things to be and it's never come close to that.

now i have to face reality and see that it's just not happening.

you know, for some bizarre reason i think i was thinking that the separation may actually be the thing that helps h and i communicate better. if he gets what he thinks he wants then the pressure of him staying with me is gone, and then it's just a simple thing for us to take care of son together.

but %(*&&%$&^^^%$$ (that's me cursing big time) even this situation doesn't help does it? if anything, it's worse.

i don't know if the issue is not knowing what i want so much as i know what i want, but i don't know how to get it.

as for the anxiety, scaredsilly , you are spot on - and i'm sorry that i stressed all of you out. i have to get a handle on it. it rises so fast and hard, that i'm caught up in the whirlwind of it, and can't even think of getting myself centered again. it did occur to me yesterday that maybe i should be taking something to help me with it.

what is the stuff you were referring to? can you give me the name of it?

there is too much to deal with - and you know, this is what our marriage was like, and i shut down. maybe it's time for me to accept that this relationship is not good for me, and to really understand that h did me a huge favor by recognizing that in some way and leaving.

you're all right about keeping things separate - i see it this morning - that we are not ready to have more flexibility. i knew deep down that the fact that i was arguing back and forth with everyone yesterday was a really good sign that i was going down the wrong path.

i think i just wanted to try something different - to shake up the situation a bit, and that is entirely the wrong way to go about it

the first thing i have to tackle is this issue over the fencing.

i actually woke up this morning with the thought - let him do it. it suddenly became very simple - he can take care of deciding about which fencing class s goes to. that way i extract myself from the whole pattern of "s needs something, h asks me to take care of it, i take care of it, h objects and is pissed at me, i get all anxious and cannot understand what happened"

the only way to step out of that is to say no h, you take care of it and sidestep the whole thing altogether. the same exact pattern happened with the other thing yesterday except both his parents were involved. mil and i were trying really hard to break the pattern, but all of us got pulled into it.

thanks again all of you - i'm still a bit raw this morning, but definitely a lot more grounded. people on this board have been telling me for months (labug) that increased contact with h always makes me spiral down and i just wouldn't listen. i'm ready to listen now

in fact i'm going to insist that we keep things really separate

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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thanks ces - for what you wrote - it's reassuring to know that others have felt the groundlessness of too many choices at times during their sitch.

i do really like everything you wrote , and you're right it is ME who decides which way my life is to go.

i think what i can't reconcile with is that the picture of that (if h and i are not together) does not include him at all and i can't wrap my mind around having him in my life because he's our son's father and living the other life i am starting to envision.

i have to come to terms with the fact that whether i like it or not, he's in my life, not necessarily the way i want him to be. AND that i'll always have to deal with his personality - and the options are either that it always makes me crazy, or that i change my way of reacting so it doesn't get to me

ooh, does that stink of detachment...

the over analyzing has simply got to stop for me.

i think this morning , i have come to realize and accept that all of this is a reaction to ow's trip. i didn't want to think it affected me - but i've cycled through this enough times that i have to admit, that each time he does something like this, i tell myself and everyone for days that i'm good and it's no big deal and then other things trigger me off and i deal with my feelings through other trivial stuff rather than face the real thing.

" You have a full spirit that comes out in your posts and its wanting to live fully"

you're right - i'm just denying it aren't i?

thanks ces - and thanks for taking the time to stop by - hope your sitch is still going really well - i'll pop in later

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Originally Posted By: zig

i actually woke up this morning with the thought - let him do it. it suddenly became very simple - he can take care of deciding about which fencing class s goes to. that way i extract myself from the whole pattern of "s needs something, h asks me to take care of it, i take care of it, h objects and is pissed at me, i get all anxious and cannot understand what happened"

the only way to step out of that is to say no h, you take care of it and sidestep the whole thing altogether. the same exact pattern happened with the other thing yesterday except both his parents were involved. mil and i were trying really hard to break the pattern, but all of us got pulled into it.


A ha! Good for you for identifying the pattern and the 180 you need to do to remove yourself from that situation going forward. That is a good step toward detachment. Be prepared for some kind of backlash from him because you're breaking a pattern that he is also used to. You can be firm about your position but kind, too. You can do it!

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thanks vera

mil and i have been talking about it for the last few weeks, really trying to find a way around this,

i am prepared for a backlash - it's probably guaranteed!!

especially when it comes on the tail end of:

"h, i want to stick to the original schedule of friday to friday. also, i am not willing to take care of s, during any other times EXCEPT if you have to work, no exceptions. you'll have to make your own arrangements. i know i said earlier that i'd like first priority, but i've changed my mind "

that will give me less access to s - which hurts my heart, but i'll just have to deal with it.

i am also thinking about getting s his own cell phone - that way he and i can communicate directly without going through h all the time.

i think it's time for me to hard line it here - just to save my own sanity

thanks again
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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