it sounds like your s is a pawn between the two of you. how would you answer or address this with his best interests in mind and not the tug of war that's going on here?
just my take on this.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
oh shite - i'm so confused with everyone's different takes on this
my take: i want to be more flexible with son spending time with both h and me.
responses from the board: don;t give up your time with son.
my mil: take s back on friday and tell h that if he protests that he can have him for a couple of hours on the weekend
your take: i'm playing tug of war
my son's take: i want to be with dad every minute i can
my IC: be as loving and kind but keep your boundaries firm
i think the tug of war isn't over son, it's over everyone's differing opinions and to top it off here's my horoscope for the week
Here's the moral of the story, Sagittarius: Be discerning as you ask for feedback and mirroring. The information you receive will always be skewed.
so i'm just going to sit back and laugh and let whatever happens happen. i'm blinking exhausted here!!
i need to get my sense of humor back here - it's ludicrous that i'm even in this position of trying to figure out the ins and outs of separations and whats the right and wrong thing to do for s.
actually i do believe that if s was asked - he would want to stay for a whole week with h and is going to be really upset if he has to come back on friday.
these odd "disappearances" from his father are very unsettling for him and i've noticed that right after that he pushes really hard to be with h as much as he can - thus the insistence of going to the summer course. but that's just my take on it, and what do i know, i'm just his mom...
incidentally this last 'disappearance' of h's was the oddest - and s asked me several times where h was. i replied that i didn't know - and i didn't at the time. i believe it unnerved s more than usual - all the other trips had "explanations" from h, which were usually not what he was doing but something else. the last time, when he left for the longest one - he gave s different stories and times, that i think s figured something was not matching up (he's really smart), and he clung to h for days after he got back.
i'm trying to make things as best i can for s, while at the same time making sure that i don't get taken advantage of - to give him some reassurances in this messy situation - to give him as much time as he wants with his dad. i actually think that if i was keeping him here then i would be playing tug over him.
i appreciate your observation scaredsilly and it definitely made me react - i won't deny that. i admit i am sensitive about my role with s - i have been criticized by h so heavily on every last aspect of this that even though i used to be a super-confident mom, i've just about lost my confidence on whether i am parenting correctly or not and making the right decisions for myself and s. it is taking me a long time to separate out what h said in his bomb dropping and blowing everything out of proportion to what it may have been, and to finding what is really true and what i have to work on.
the reason i asked for feedback is that i'm still trying to figure out where i'm controlling and what seems to come across as controlling because that is how h perceives me to be.
if there's a tug of war going on, i think it's within myself:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I think you're a little rudderless right now. The confusion is coming from within yourself because you're trying to please too many masters.
Sit with your self for a couple of days and get your bearings, figure out what ZIG wants and needs. Then you'll know which advice to take and which to leave.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i think i'm just puzzled - i read other people's posts and they ask similar kinds of questions about what to do and how, and get concrete responses on how to handle details in their sitch.
when i ask for help, it seems as if i can never just get an answer, but instead there's all this crazy discussion and i land up looking rudderless in all of it.
what am i doing different, or what do you see i'm really doing here. could i be asking in a different way that would get me some kind of answer?
i'm about to have this stupid conversation with h at 10 tonight - i called to say good night to s - he picked up and said "i know i said we'd talk tonight about the schedule and stuff, but can we do it tomorrow because a friend stopped by."
third time in 2 days he's put it off.
i replied "well, seems as if i don't have a choice"
he said "well i guess the alternative is that i can call you back later after i put s to bed and we can talk for 15 mins"
i replied, that yes i would appreciate that very much as i would like to know how the rest of my week is going to go
and now after all this discussion on the board etc, i can hardly even remember what it is i want to say or how to say it.
i talked to s for a while, but i didn't dare ask him whether he wanted to stay just till friday and stick to the schedule or change it - i couldn't figure out whether it was right to ask him or not to decide - so i didn't do anything.
i am rudderless right now, and could really use some support here.
and thanks for all the time you've spent with me today - i really appreciate it.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
hey zig, i've been trying to zag through your posts this evening.
Do you meditate at all? It sounds like you have a lot of beans jumping around in your head and you could use some time to calm it down a little!
I'm not sure why some people seem to get concrete suggestions and others don't.
I don't have any suggestions as scheduling kid time is not my area of DB expertise.... but I think it's good that you were firm that you wanted to talk about the scheduling tonight.
Honestly, I agree with your IC. I went through a vicious custody battle with my ex some years ago. None of it my doing. My ex was trying to get me back for wanting a divorce. Once that was done, I made sure to be as flexible as possible with him about spending time with the kids and we have all benefited. Really,, the kids needs are most important. So I would say be flexible, have neutral expectations about your Hs conduct, and show both S and H by being a great model of how a wife/mother should comport herself. That would be my advice. It is generally better to be kind than to be right.
[censored] labug - i went and read your post again after i wrote my reply and this jumped out - and i think all of this is actually taking me through some process which is bringing to the surface finally a huge issue.
for weeks i've been sensing that there is something still unresolved within me - and maybe it's symptom is that i DON'T know what i want and need. i have no idea, possibly.
for 11 yrs i've lived with this man and this child and apart from the fact that i really do love them, i started out by committing myself on the grounds that i couldn't not join him because we had a child together and i couldn't make the decision that i would be responsible for separating them.
i didn't take myself into consideration at all, not then and through the whole marriage, always putting them first at my own expense. i'm still doing it. i actually feel so much anxiety dealing with both s and h.
i haven't mentioned it today at all, but all afternoon while i've been posting there's been another drama going on with s and h and fil. - they overwhelm me, all three with their passive aggressiveness. each time i think that something is clear and settled, it comes up unexpectedly and i feel as if i have to clean up the mess.
this time it was clearly h who messed up, and then when i tried to discuss it with him - he took on the stance of - what's the big deal, this isn;t a big deal.meanwhile s, is crying to me on the phone because he was so disappointed and i was being firm and holding to what i originally said. the result was s had to swallow down his feelings and force himself to act as if he didn't care anymore, and h is acting as if everyone was fussing too much. to top it off, it was all instigated by fil who broke the same boundary that h and i have tried to establish for years.
it's crazy making - and much as i am trying to detach, this comes up periodically and i think a lot of what was going on behind my posts was the anxiety that comes up in me when i have to deal with them. i know it is my problem to fix - and i intend to talk about it with iC on friday
yes, i admit that even after all this time the same anxiety that was at it's peak for all the years of our marriage still gets triggered off. i thought i had a handle on it all these months - while h was much more in withdrawal - but now suddenly he's making things chaotic and it's coming up again.
i think it's connected with his recent visit with ow. he's trying to push my buttons big time here - testing me, to see if i am going to react. it's pissing me off. i think during the call tonight i'm going to tell him he needs to deal with this and i want no part of it.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i believe i intend to do that. i feel as if i am going to kill this thing with kindness. fighting over when h has son does not make sense to me, no matter how he is behaving and no matter what he is doing.
i think that i shall just ask him how we are to go about the rest of the week. i don't have any expectations of which way he might go, but i am going to hope and look forward to trusting him to be fair about it, and suggesting himself what is the right thing to do.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
thanks vera - i guess i'm sounding all off kilter and like a nut!!
i did go meditate this evening - but i guess there's just too much going on.
maybe i'm digging my heels in too much here about insisting that h and i talk tonight. that i'm "right" about him not committing to the schedule on MY time.
i think you guys are trying to tell me that i need to chill out and i'm going to get the message now.
as i read your post i realized that i am in no state to talk to h tonight, and that i need to be in a much more upbeat frame of mind to handle it. so i'm going to text him and say that it's too late to talk tonight and he's right we should do it tomorrow.
i know i want to do it sooner than later, but i think it's more important to do it when i'm not this off kilter and obviously i am
thanks for helping me see that zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i just sent h a text: it's a bit late so it's better for me if we talk tomorrow. Can u text me a time as i've got a lot going on. thanks
his reply: okay how about in the afternoon. is s going to fence tomorrow?
i KNOW this is the insanity of the mlc'er. he asked me to arrange a fencing class for s last week. i didn't arrange the one he wanted , he got irritated and questioned it heavily and aggressively- i backed off and said let's talk about it later as it was not a good time. now he's acting as if it was all settled.
at least i'm proud of myself - started texting back to him, just ready to be fed up, but luckily stopped, deleted it and decided to vent here instead. i'm not going to answer until the morning - as i've technically gone to bed.
i don't know what i'm going to say - right now all i feel like saying is you a$$hole, quit playing games with me when it comes to s. i'm fed up!!
the stupid thing is that i have a feeling that he doesn't even remember what he said. he just lets stuff out, and then forgets he had that reaction, and then acts later as if he didn't have that opinion.
aargh - i need to throw some plates !!
okay, vent over, i'm calm now. this day is done and tomorrow, i am determined to go join the turtles - this was just one of those hardship days which i don't have to repeat
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
