Swimming with the Turtles

[labug]

My question: Have you asked S how he feels about this?

[zig]

hmmm, labug - you got me there!

actually, i have to admit that while i was writing that last post, it did pop into my mind.

i will do that.

gosh, i just feel like i'm screwing up all over the place

thanks for pointing that out to me

[labug]

It's not screwing up, it's and opportunity for growth.

[zig]

yes you're right -

it's weird - but only now when i am starting to detach am i really beginning to see how i function, and the patterns i use in a much deeper way than ever before. it is helping me a lot to see where i screw up with both of them, and how i still control on this very subtle level. i'm doing it again , in some way here aren't i?

on the other hand, i don't know how to find the balance between me setting boundaries about how h arranges our life with s, where i have some say in the matter as opposed to him deciding whenever he wants to.

i guess my present solution was to drop the rope on that and just let whatever happens happen.

i'm possibly over thinking this

[labug]

Yeah, you're controlling it a bit.

I'm not living your life but it would seem that having set times would be better for you. You can then plan GAL activities as KD suggested. I work a job where I am on call and during those hours, my life does not belong to me. That's what you're describing sounds like to me.

in the first months after h moved out - i absolutely did not offer to take s even once when he was with h. but then i started noticing that since h had other stuff to do, in the evenings, he started to leave s all over the place - mostly at his son's friends houses, and was picking him up and giving him dinner as late as 9. he had legitimate reasons - board meetings, seminars at the uni, work stuff

If this is still happening, so be it unless it's in some way putting S in danger.

[vera be fierce]

It's not screwing up, it's and opportunity for growth.

I like this ...

gosh, i just feel like i'm having opportunities for growth all over the place

thanks for pointing that out to me

There, I fixed it for you

[zig]

you guys are so sweet! i like how you fixed it for me. my negativity is really showing through, i know. i'm starting to see how much i still function from a very defensive place deep within myself

thanks labug - i guess i have it backwards then? by letting things be more open and relaxed, where we both get to spend more time with s without the restrictions of the schedule is actually me being controlling? i'm not being sarcastic here at a ll, and i really do appreciate very much that you are heeling me through this

i had thought that i was being less resistant - because i can't say that i have NOT been possessive of my limited time with s.


i'm trying to be more generous of my time with him - to maybe show by example to h that we can be kinder in this sitch to each other.

does the fact that i have noticed h liking the extra time with s, influence your thoughts on it at all.

maybe i should explain a bit.

a few weeks ago, when it was my turn with s, fil called and asked if s could come over because his sisters were in town and really wanted to see s. i asked if h had seen them (h's aunts) and fil said yes he did already a couple of days earlier

do you not find it ridiculous on some level, that h felt he could not ask me to get s to go over for family stuff and his dad had to ask me as if i was doing everyone a favor by allowing it?

i DON'T want to be placed in that position. this was my solution to it. maybe i'm wrong and someone is going to tell me that yes keep it that way - let him see the reality of the sitch.

well the reality is that every one thinks i'm so controlling that his family always asks my permission before they ask h. even his sister only asked me if she could come for s's birthday. i ask them why they are asking me and shouldn't they be asking h, and they insist that they want the answer from me not him

so am i controlling when i offer to open up the sitch and allow h more freedom with s, in a way in terms of time spent together?

i'm damned either way it seems - got to clear my head up from this for a bit - can't see the forest for the trees

maybe you guys can help me see it more clearly?

thanks
zig

[labug]

i had thought that i was being less resistant - because i can't say that i have NOT been possessive of my limited time with s.

Why do you think sticking to the agreement you've made makes you possessive? You can certainly be open to changes, but your time with S is your time with S.

i'm trying to be more generous of my time with him - to maybe show by example to h that we can be kinder in this sitch to each other.

Are you being generous because that's what you want to do or because you want to teach a lesson?

does the fact that i have noticed h liking the extra time with s, influence your thoughts on it at all.

Are you fixing things for H? Discounting yourself to make his life better?

a few weeks ago, when it was my turn with s, fil called and asked if s could come over because his sisters were in town and really wanted to see s. i asked if h had seen them (h's aunts) and fil said yes he did already a couple of days earlier

do you not find it ridiculous on some level, that h felt he could not ask me to get s to go over for family stuff and his dad had to ask me as if i was doing everyone a favor by allowing it?

There's a lot of mindreading here. Do you see that?

How did you stop H from asking to have S visit?

i DON'T want to be placed in that position. this was my solution to it. maybe i'm wrong and someone is going to tell me that yes keep it that way - let him see the reality of the sitch.

What position don't you want to be placed in?

well the reality is that every one thinks i'm so controlling that his family always asks my permission before they ask h. even his sister only asked me if she could come for s's birthday. i ask them why they are asking me and shouldn't they be asking h, and they insist that they want the answer from me not him

You can't control what they think of you.

All you can do is be aware of your motives, act from a true heart and do what's best for you and S.

If it's your time with S, why shouldn't they ask you and not H?

so am i controlling when i offer to open up the sitch and allow h more freedom with s, in a way in terms of time spent together?

Are you doing it to teach H a lesson?

Are you doing it to be seen as not controlling by his family?

Rally being honest about my motivations has been one of the most difficult thing I've had to because it's made me see a darker side of myself.

But I needed to shine a light on it to be able to change.

[Brit45]

But asks all the best questions...you do have to really honestly look at your motives...

and also if the worst thing that happens is S has dinner at 9pm it's not the end of the world. You can't control the schedule when S is at H's. And if H always feels like his care of S isn't up to your standards and he's not doing it good enough...well I imagine that's not a feeling you want him to feel.

My son was born when I was a teenager. I went to a parenting class and they said don't scold the baby's father when he does things slightly wrong, don't badger him every two seconds about holding the baby perfectly. Make him feel like he's doing it perfectly. And I'll never forget the look on my son's aunt's face when his macho teenage dad changed his diaper. She was like he knows how to do that??? If you have legitimate concerns that S's safety is at risk that's one thing otherwise just practice letting go.

[needgrace]

[quote=zig]

Rally being honest about my motivations has been one of the most difficult thing I've had to because it's made me see a darker side of myself.

But I needed to shine a light on it to be able to change.

Thank you bug for this quote today. This is so true. For me, facing my own selfishness has been humbling.

I say I want what is best for my W, and yet I keep thinking about ways to pull her back to me bc, to be completely honest, I miss her and want what is best for me. I can tell myself that I believe it is best for her too but that is not my all or even most of my motivation. I know this about myself and it is part of why I am staying NC, I need to detach.

Not sure if my comments are meaningful to you at all, Zig, sorry for highjacking.

Love the new thread title..