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thanks KD - and so sweet of you to take the time.

about self-validating. yes, i was definitely proud of myself AND noticing that i wanted some external validation - it was already there - in h's actions, by him responding differently than usual.

and i didn't see that either. i am NOT saying that his behavior/response was the most important thing here - it's difficult to explain - but the RESULT should have been enough.

i did want to "indulge" a bit - and saw myself doing it, and in the seeing of it understood just that little more how i could make the shift within myself to what you are pointing out.

i really think it was a case of 'can someone else make me feel just a little better for a few minutes because i'm tired of doing that all by myself for so long"

i really really am proud of me - haven't felt so "successful" for a really long time - and it was such a small/ large thing.

i am doing that tonight GAL- and part of my gal this weekend is to box up some of h's stuff and put them in the garage - just start to make some further inroads into really making this space my own. i'm tired of his stagnant left over presence here = it makes the energy in my home heavy

i've already made some huge changes but there are "pockets" around the house that still hold his presence heavily (it's symbolic, because it's the same way in my mind ), and as i go through each step of the letting go emotionally in stages, it seems as if i become capable of cleaning each area physically in the same way.

i have mixed feelings about packing away his stuff - would prefer he did it, and went through that process himself. but he's refusing to - keeps post poking it - every few months. how do you think i should handle it, FOR MYSELF?

i suspect the answer is - do what you feel like doing zig. well i feel like moving his stuff out of my space, but i DON"T feel like doing the work for him!!

any suggestions how to work around that paradox?

thanks KD

hope you have a great weekend

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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well, how about putting his "stuff" in large, plastic lawn bags? you could just throw it in them and not have to really pack. it would get it out of your house. at least, some of it.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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It is only that YOU FEEL you are doing it FOR your H.

In truth, you are doing it FOR YOU.

The consequences of your actions, regarding how they affect H...

Is really irrelevant for you...

Hope that makes sense...

D9 is now awake. Have a great GAL time!

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zig Offline OP
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the "stuff" that i'm mostly referring to is ceramics - we are both ceramic artists - simply can't throw that stuff in a bag. and a lot of it is extremely fragile.

so that's my little 'resistance" that i have to work through.

the other thing is that those pieces are important to me too - ceramics brought us together and we still connect on that level really deeply - it's work we brought into from before we met and that we acquired together or actually made and fired together.

well i will allow myself to do what's needed when the time is really right for me - the fact that i'm even thinking about it in those terms shows strongly that i still have to work through something

thanks though -scared silly. when he packed and moved out he took every last scrap of his personal stuff - but left all the house stuff, all the papers, and his tools.

he's been taking tools over 10 months as he needs them, but can't deal with the ceramics and boxed up stuff. he'll get it when he's ready...

i need to get detached enough where the presence of that stuff DOESN'T bother me - that would be the key here, i would say, more than - get rid of it right now this very minute, because it's presence is bothering me. that's the same as saying come back right now because your absence is bothering me

wow, i think i just got one step closer to understanding detachment

oh, how slowly we learn what stuff really means

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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just had the greatest evening with my friend - went to a Darrel Scott concert -just him and his guitar - really intimate setting - huge emotional energy - never experienced that kind of thing before. Amazing!

i actually bought a CD - and i think i'm going to suggest that s give it to h for fathers' day. it is absolutely beautiful. i needed to get something for s to give, and this might be it. i will let s decide though. he may want to give something else. i'd like h to have it, though.

this was actually at the smaller side venue of the big concert hall - and they have a West Side Folk Fall Festival - with 4 concerts in the fall - and we're going to get the season tickets - big 180 for me - would never have thought of doing something like that before - but even more so - it's the first time i WANTED to do something in the future not caring whether h would be around or not.

the guy who organizes this is the one who does the radio jazz show and folk music show on NPR - so real good artists and great music

aah, the music tonight - i had tears running down my cheeks - that guy has been through some stuff - no one could play or sing like that without having been through some serious inner growth. it just made me more aware that everyone goes through something large that propels them to grow, and that this is just my turn - not anything more, not anything less

to even have the opportunity to find out what this type of inner journey is about - oh, we are very special people indeed to be given that gift.

beautiful music really soothes and nourishes us - i hope that when things feel really bad that all of us could remember to turn some music on that could touch us and remind us that there is a bigger picture than the one we seem so deeply entangled in right now.

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Why do you want H to have the CD? It sounds like the concert was a very personal emotional exp for YOU?

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Glad you had such a nice time at the concert.

Now my foam noodle 2x4: Last summer I saw a movie that I thought H would like, and he might have. When it came on Netflix I wanted to send him the link so he could watch it. I'm so thoughtful.

The real reason? There was a message in the movie I wanted him to get. After asking advice here, I didn't send the link.

Remember the Trojan horse?

Let S come up with a gift for H. That's a great idea.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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zig Offline OP
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right right - 2 x 4 received.

i was aware of it labug!! the message.

you guys are up early on a sunday!!

yes, that cd is staying with me

s can chose a present. we've always done that in the past - gone together to get something for h -he's usually loved it. i already asked s about it and his answer was a bit odd -" let's give h (still calls him by his name) a day off'

i asked him what he meant - and he replied - let's give him a day off from working - he's working really hard on that house, he needs a day off.

odd child!

i seem to be getting an earful of details about what is going on there - from s as well as his friends. everyone seems to have a great need to make sure i know everything!!
maybe it's the universe's way of suppling me with the materials i need to fulfill the part of the stockman paradox that says face the harsh, brutal realities of your situation. the other part i have to come up with myself!

thanks brit and labug- you guys are looking out for me.

hope you have a great sunday -

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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