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Journal:

Went for a run and then took my dog for a walk. Lots of time to think, pray and smell lavender along the way smile

One time, my thoughts turned to my W's comments... one right before she left about how I was lenient with the dog and that meant I would be so if we had kids..

I started to tear up...and then I decided to not define myself by what she thinks.. that I know I would not have been perfect, but that my child would have known from the depths of his/her soul that she/he was loved.

This brought me back to something I put in our wedding vows... that we would vow to see each other with kind eyes. All of us have faults but I believe they are intimately connected to that which is beautiful about us too.

I am still wanting to choose to see my W with kind eyes. Not as if she were perfect or the only one for me, but to not lose sight of her humanity.. flawed but beautiful.

It makes this hurt more, and made me cry to write here, but it is who I want to be..


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that you'd be a great parent!

you continue to strive towards compassion and love when others would have decided that anger and resentment would make detachment easier.

You have been NC for so long that must feel quite empowering. You've held back when she has made contact. You've put your hurt and pain second to improving the contact that you two do have and the business relationship. You should feel very proud and that's certainly not a sign of leniency. You're very strong!

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ok.. so I need to vent.

i get a package in the mail today from W. some of it I knew was coming, a garage door opener, some photos...

but..

before the bomb, we had been planning and dreaming about a backyard remodel, complete with cool outdoor tent to serve as a poolside lounge area, possible cool extra bedroom for nieces/nephews visiting or just for us to semi-camp out.

she included the drawings/diagrams she had started as part of our planning the area.

i started crying when i saw them. they are such a symbol of our life together and how we would dream together about our home. we had already completed 2 amazing remodels.. and loved design and architecture and dreaming... we loved to entertain and wanted our home to be so much fun for us and everyone else...we had gotten the idea at a resort we visited last year.

i am writing here instead of writing to her. there are so many layers to this grief, just when i think i am near the end, or almost immune, another one pops up.

I know that each time I recover quicker and the feelings are less intense and I am sure that is what will happen here.

thank you for being here for my vent.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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hugs!

If I've learned anything through this is that every bomb gets easier. Every surprise every time you get shaken to your core you do recover quicker. It isn't just the R that's over but all your hopes and dreams for that R as well.

I am *starting* to see those hopes and dreams as still being mine. Just because there is something I shared with him doesn't mean it can't still be mine. I'm trying to make my frying pan bigger.

It's hard because sometimes you feel like because they aren't there nothing will be the same. Or you can't do it or maybe you should find a different dream because that was something you had with them...I am not doing that anymore.

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NG, I know the feeling. (( ))

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Thanks Brit and Verab. You both are angels!

It is true, I can build a different dream for my life... and remodel my backyard!

The waves of grief are smaller, they do not knock me over anymore, they just make ma a little sad until they pass through.

Today I did a meditation about mountains.

I was thinking about our journey here as climbing a mountain. First, we feel overwhelmed and scared by the size and scope of the climb. The mountain is all we can see. As we climb, we gain more confidence that we can do this and bc we a get higher and higher on the mountain, we gain more perspective on what is behind us.

As we reach the top, we begin to see and grasp the beauty before us and realize that the climb was worth it, every step...

Each day of the climb brings us closer and closer...


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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Ah yes you never really appreciate how far you've come until you're there. It's a good one. Thank you for being here and always sharing!

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Ok.. I want some advice..

I have been NC for 33 days now except the business matter.

I mentioned yesterday that I got a box from W w/ lots of stuff in it.. plans for the backyard, photos, etc. I also got a check from her this week that she had already told me she had sent last week for the business matter.

Today I get an email indicating that she got some bills I forwarded last week. She also asked me if I got the check and box.

The box was fed ex which I am assuming she can track if she wants to..right?

The check I knew had been sent and I would have followed up if it did not arrive..

I am not sure how to respond...

I do not have as "kind eyes" as Brit. I want good things for her but I know I am not ready to be friends.

WWBD? What would Brit do??? smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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I think you are being tested.

Is a reply neccessary?


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The other piece that is so puzzling to me is that..

last I heard from her she was filing the D papers the weekend of May 20..

I have not been served nor has she given me any idea what is going on with the papers..

and yet she contacts me about this??


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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