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Originally Posted By: reachingHigher


Now he is in his (happen at any time of life) crisis, it is one of the things he detests about our home. Hence, he has to live in the city. He said he "likes to visit". I guess like a park or something.

What's that about?


I think you know the answer to that.

Quote:
I have a lot of resentment of H for leaving us like this. Not like he doesn't come to help, but I feel so much responsibility on my shoulders


Is it resentment of anger? Have you admitted to yourself that you are angry about your sitch?

Working through that and figuring out how to deal with it may help you with getting out of the victim role.

What are you really angry about?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Ya, bug, I'm really angry mostly at the church. I was raised in a --wouldn't want to say "cultish" church. But now I've said it. I had left it and was out of it when H & I married. A few months after we married I was attracted back to it.

H liked a lot of things in it so we both were baptized together. In the quest for perfection we joined an elitist group within the church.

Years went by, we discarded a lot of friends and worldly practices to be more holy. He became disillusioned first, then me.

Now our lifestyle reflect these practices. There are a lot of positives about it -- well disciplined, well mannered children. Healthy living. Good values.

But I'm more angry at myself than him. And angry at the church.

So....I have to forgive myself first.

We are kinda stuck now at this stage of life without the golden friendships we both so desire. I think it explains a lot of his behavior, but I don't know how to reverse where we are. Our boys are dedicated Christians, just like we taught them. But H & I have no desire for it at this time.

I told him I would have stayed if he stayed....for a while anyway. I'm much happier being out. But our boys are so committed. It makes a divided household. I think it's why H doesn't want to come back.

And I don't know what to do about it.

Separately, H cane out of his castle for a few hours yesterday and picnicked with the family. Then he went back in.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
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Okay, since I went where angels fear to tread....let me explain a little. I know that many people here on this forum have a strong faith in God, and I admire that.

H & I got into a narrow minded sect that concentrated on holy living rather than holy loving. The rules for practical life in dressing, eating, time management, etc. were unbelievably strict. Like H told me last year, the program we did looked like it was designed to choke out any romance we had. And it did.

H & I are both compulsive so we did the very best we could.

Sadly, neither H nor I desire a relationship with God right now. I look at people that have a strong faith and think it would be great if I had it, but I don't desire it now. Sort of like I suspect, H feels about me right now.

Separately, H peeked out of his castle last night and saw me picnicking on the lawn happily. I don't know if he went back in yet or not.

I love that analogy--it helps me when I'm tempted to think everything is different just because he acted nice to me. It just means--he acted nice to me. smile


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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I think religion is a very personal thing, it's fine for people who want it.

Why are you angry at the church?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I guess because, in my mind, I blame them for the demise of my M. Do we all have that? If I hadn't done (or we hadn't done) XYZ I wouldnt be in this situation?

I know it's irrational. I know now this happens to lots of people whether they are spiritual or not. But there was so much conflict in our home over religion, that emotionally I've tied it to that.

I guess it's time to get rid of that idea.

Is it an important thing to do to identify why this sitch happened? Or is it more important to just concentrate on what is working now?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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I think it's important to identify it if you thinks it's something you can change/need to change in you.

I'm wondering if you're really angry at the church or are you angry at yourself and your decisions? What can you change about that? I know you can't go back and "fix" things (although many of us would like to) but it was your decision that got you to the church, it was your decision to stay and your decision to leave, finally.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: labug
I'm wondering if you're really angry at the church or are you angry at yourself and your decisions? What can you change about that? I know you can't go back and "fix" things (although many of us would like to) but it was your decision that got you to the church, it was your decision to stay and your decision to leave, finally.


RH, labug is giving you some good advice here. You need to really figure out the anger thing. It will more than likely help you in the long run, and may give you a different outlook on your sitch.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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Definitely myself! frown

Hard to know what to do. I can forgive myself and can identify how I want to live my life, without H if need be, but S18 is firmly grounded in his faith. The university he'll attend this fall is a huge liberal state university. Should be interesting. S12 has his own personal faith which I greatly admire and respect.

Probably the biggest day-to-day problems are a lack of freedom in our own home. How can I put it? We live in a geodesic dome home so the structure of it doesn't lend itself to much privacy. It's cute, but limited.

There is a huge issue of what is right or wrong to do on the "day of rest". I taught the boys to respect it, so it feels strange to violate it in front if them.

There are issues with choice of music, food, drinking alcohol. My H & I are back to the way we did things when we first M but in between we taught these boys different things. I feel really caught in the middle.

H & I do activities the way I would like to do them, but when I'm alone with the boys I can "pretend" the other way because I don't want to let them down and destroy their trust in me. Sniff, sniff.

Do you think this is an issue for (the right) IC not this forum?

I brought it up with the (not right) IC I saw the one time three months ago. Religion is such an emotionally charged issue. He didn't "get" the problem at all. He just told me to find another church and suggested one and told me about his own faith. These interfamily dynamics were so lost on him.

I feel lost myself. Any suggestions?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I think first and foremost you have to be honest with yourself and honest with your sons.

It sounds like there are several issues that fall outside the DB realm. I wouldn't be where I am without my IC but it does take work to find the right one.

I live in a small house, I love it but it is difficult with 3 adults living in it. I understand the lack of privacy. I have to go in my closet to talk on the phone.:)


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jan 2012
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Don't even get me started on small home. H and I live in a 2 bdr condo. Right after the bomb, the only place I could avoid him was the bedroom and the bathroom. LOL

I also think finding a good IC is the way for you to go right now. I think having someone to talk through the dynamics of your particular sitich is important.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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