Optimistic...not hopeless! :)

[hopingandpraying]

You are all right that I'm just trying to justify it. If he wants to get his stuff or talk to me, he will. I do need to stop mind reading because who knows what his deal is?!?!

I've been dark for almost 4 weeks now, is 5 weeks from now too long?

I am trying day by day to move on with my life. I am happy with myself and the accomplishments that I have made and my new goals that I have set for myself (get into better shape, eat healthier, continue to do things for myself).

I just think to truly 'move on' I would be on the look out for a future partner. I am a strong, independent person and am happy with myself...I just yearn for that connection and future with someone. Is that wrong to think right now?

[Accuray]

Not at all, there is only what you want. Only you know if its right or wrong. 5 more weeks is not too long because there is no too long, there is only the timeline that represents how long you are willing to wait before moving on.

2 months is not too long to go dark. If you read on the MLC forum 2 months actually seems to be a common point where the WAS will tentatively reach out, although they may immediately take off again.

If he's involved in a physical affair, it can be four or five months before the bloom comes off the rose. Realistically you could wait up to a year before H reconsiders and even then there are no guarantees.

You are best served by being dark. He is far more likely to remember the good times when you are not available to him. You're more interesting when he thinks you're a prize to be won versus someone who is sitting home alone waiting for his return. Your silence is making a statement -- that you are valuable, and not as dependent upon him as he may have thought.

Keep it going.

Accuray

[Brit45]

Thank you Accuray, I needed to read this today. I gave in on my 6 day going dark and did get a positive response but I think you're right. I need to know that he wants to contact me. ARGH! it's all horrible. 3 months ago he would have jumped straight back into our relationship....now he's got an OW, a flat, and no me.

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks Accuray! You are right that my silence is making a statement that I don't 'need' him.

Do you know if the 2 months for the MLC is time separated or time going dark?? I was just wondering. Either way, we have been only been separated for 3 months. However, I see NO improvement in reconciling our M...it has only become worse.

I, do, see improvements in myself and my ability to go out more and enjoy the people I love. I couldn't do that at first. It was just too hard. I have less moments when I cry, but they do come about.

He is/was involved in a PA...not sure if it's still happening since we have not talked in a month and the last time we talked about it, he said it was no longer a PA just more of an EA, but he definitely could have been lying. Oh well...if he's lying to me and himself, then he's lying to her also!

[Accuray]

If he's still involved with OW, either physically and emotionally, then your reconciliation journey isn't even at the starting line yet. She has to be gone, then he has to mourn the loss, and THEN he will start thinking of you again. Until that happens, all you can do is take care of yourself and not make the situation worse -- and that's exactly what you're doing by staying dark, both taking care of you by learning to detach, and not making the situation worse by pursuing him when he wants space.

You're doing exactly the right thing, as counter-intuitive as it may feel.

Accuray

[Brit45]

hopingandpraying I've decided to stop thinking of going dark as a tactic to get him to notice me and instead as a tactic to stop me THINKING about the M.
Make a list of everything you would do if there was nothing stopping you from the crazy to basic. I did that and I'm going to start chipping away at that list. Okay perhaps I'm not booking a trip to the Inca trail but I am starting a meditation class next week. Way out of my comfort zone. I'm looking into recovering second hand dining room chairs. I've quit smoking (24 hours in right now!)
I'm also signing up to do a lot of stuff. I've volunteered for some extra shifts at work events. I'm planning a company party. I even joined a social/singles meet up group and going to a board game night.
The past few weeks I've wanted to do NOTHING and now I'm planning stuff just to be busy and get out and about.

[hopingandpraying]

I agree with you Brit that it is for me, because in the end I only see a small amount of hope for reconciling our marriage. I know I'll be happy when all is said and done...no matter which path I am on, but I guess I'm just still in disbelief that any of this happened. We were the 'it' couple for 8 years...I just need to get that out of my head!

As for GAL activities, I have started working out more frequently and began tanning (makes me feel better about myself). I have also reconnected with old friends and try to keep my weekends busy with family and friends. I am busy with work a lot so I don't have much spare time during the week.

I'm glad to hear you are GALing. It sounds like you are doing well!

1 month of no contact...I can't even believe it! I just don't understand how disposable and replaceable I have become to my H. I need to stop that thinking!!!

[Brit45]

Tanning makes me feel great too! I grew up in a sunny climate and now live in a place with very little sun. Anything that makes you feel good.

I know what you mean about IT couple. Everyone was shocked and less than a year before we split. Two separate friends of ours said you guys are so funny/cute together you should have a reality show.

1 month of no contact? oh babe I might be going insane if that were the case. You are NOT DISPOSABLE. I do know when I first split with H I detached and put on my blinders because it was easier to move forward if I wasn't thinking about him, his feelings, or my decision about the marriage. If he has an OW then it probably makes it very easy for him to not think about your relationship and just get wrapped up in it.

I firmly 100% believe that everyone rethinks that breakup (unless you're married to Sleeping with the Enemy or something) ACCURAY hit the nail on the head (as usual). We all know rebounds don't work.

GAL'ing is great! People keep complimenting me on my weight loss. They say what's your secret and I say uh, get a divorce it works wonders and then laugh. Seriously though keep taking care of yourself!

[Accuray]

I just don't understand how disposable and replaceable I have become to my H. I need to stop that thinking!!!

H isn't avoiding you because he has disposed of and replaced you. He's avoiding you because he feels deeply ashamed of what he has done and he can't face himself.

It's like when you break up with someone in high school, you see them walking toward you at the opposite end of the hall, and you quickly turn around and head in another direction. You're not doing that to "reject" the person, you're doing it because you're ashamed about how you've made them feel.

He is AFRAID to contact you, half because of what you might say to him to shame him, and half because of how he feels about himself due to what he has done to you.

The first half you can address by acting as if, being happy, and generally approachable when he does eventually reach out. The second half you can do nothing about except to give him space and let him get over it on his own.

Getting over it requires that he have motivation to deal with himself, it's easier to keep those feelings locked up in a dark closet. As long as OW is involved, he can keep them locked up and pretend like everything is fine -- but he knows they're there, and they creep up on him when he least expects it.

When OW is gone, or when the "in love" haze starts to fade and things start to get real, that's when he's going to start doing his own thinking.

When he does contact you, it will be important to be approachable, to be happy, and not to pepper in guilt or other shaming comments. That can be HARD but works wonders if you can pull it off. It makes you approachable versus ominous.

Accuray

[jks]

Good advice, Accuray.