Journal

It is day 30 as dark as possible (only contact has been about shared property and I have kept that as minimal as humanly possible.)

It is much easier for me to feel better, focus and work on myself.

But I still find myself wanting to respond to things she wrote in her last letter but I am able to pull myself back in and not contact her. It is hard for me to know that she feels the way she does about the past (that our relationship was so flawed and that she had to work so hard to love me through it.)

Part of me says, well, all relationships are work and that her difficulties loving me are more about her, than me.

But another part of me keeps piping up and wondering if she is right, that I must have no idea what a healthy relationship is and I am too difficult to love.

Maybe I need to find a balance...where I accept that my faults contributed to our D but that so did hers.. and that our M had both good and bad in it, like all...

Maybe I lived in a fantasy of my own making, I always believed that we were the luckiest people in the world to have found each other. (she used to say that too.) I did not think she was perfect or myself, but I knew that i loved her no matter what and thought she felt the same.

I guess I wish I could make some sense of it all.

But what would you responding change? Suddenly you'll say it in just the way she'll understand and things will be great? I know that fantasy, I have it at times.

Our S can only figure that out on their own, if they are so inclined to even think about it.



This is where you need to bring your thoughts back to when you get off track.

(((ng)))

Why don't you write a response to get it out of your system and then instead of sending it, tuck it away in a drawer or shred it or something? Then you could revisit it if you need to in the future.

Thanks, Bug.

I'm not sure it is about thinking that she will get it and everything will be fine, as much as me feeling so groundless by her perception.. like how could i have been so oblivious to how she felt?

it makes me question my own perceptions of what is real..

does that make sense?

i'm sure i am overanalyzing and should just take some comfort in how her sis and family were confused and blown away too by it all.

NG, you're not actually believing all that stuff, are you? Yeah, she believed it when she said it to you, but she's looking through the lens of her current unhappiness and rewriting history to make it match.

Yes, it's maddening. Yes, it's worth looking for any grains of truth that we need to address. No, you should not discount your perceptions of reality.

I do find it helpful, when I really want to explain and correct and convince, to write the letter and get it out as Vera suggested. It never goes further than my journal, but it does seem to get it out of my system for a while.

You're doing great. Keep on keeping on. ((( )))

Thank you SD and Verab.

I like your idea of writing a letter I don't send. I think I will try it.

Thank you for the encouragement.

NG,
Glad to hear your time with SIL went well. I knew you were strong enough...

.. but it's hard to see our growth when we are in the middle of growing. It's only when we have hit markers that we can really look back and say "he!! yeah, I did conquer that".

Finding ways to escape those "needs to tell w 'x'" is important.. especially in the beginning.

Because you should only say things when you don't have expectations, when you need to say them for YOU regardless of how your w will respond.

IMO - that can't really happen until you're detached.

I still won't tell my w things because I DO have expectations. It's been quite the challenge.

Some learn to detach quicker than others.

Btw - Congrats on the 30 days! Keep it up!

YES I'm so happy that SD wrote that. I find myself questioning if my M was what I thought it was. Maybe the love I felt wasn't real especially if he's in a pattern and I was another part of his pattern. Maybe it was all one sided. Maybe, maybe, maybe it just goes around and around.

But it's like you said seeing the balance not all our side or all thiers.

Thank you for stopping by Val and Brit.

Thank you again Val for encouraging me to test myself w/ SIL. I feel so happy bc I have nieces and nephews I adore and I do still plan to be in their lives..

I feel at peace this morning. I am not sure why but I am not complaining

Yesterday, I got ahead of myself (I tend to do that) and thought, well, how can we ever R after all that W has said.. I would never feel safe. I felt panicked... and then I cried a few tears of sadness, read what SD said... and felt better.

I actually find moments of acceptance... and also realize that the moments of fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, etc are also opportunitites to grow...

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.”
― Pema Chödrön

Lyrics from the music for my run this morning...

"Sober" by Kelly Clarkson

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers