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Originally Posted By: ndfarmer
I too find myself in a similar situation. But my W would rather divorce me than tell me the truth. Why do I want a M with a woman like that. Even my own son asks me that. I wanted to make M work. I almost hired a PI, but then thought "you dont do that to someone you love".



As a man, why would you NOT do everything you could to protect your household, and the wife that you swore to love, honor and cherish and protect?

OM/OW are predators, and they prey upon marriages. Yes, it "takes two to tango," as they say, but I personally saw nothing wrong with doing everything I needed to do to protect my wife and kids from her 29 year old predator.

What would you do if you knew your kids had a drug problem? Doesn't "freedom from unreasonable search and seizure" stop when there is probable cause, and you need to protect your teenager?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: too trusting
I think that what she wants is for him to admit the truth and then, as a result, to stop seeing OW. he feels that with the lying and denying he can pull the wool over her eyes and continue to be a "cake eater" with the social advantages of a "stable marriage" and the fun of a fantasy affair on the side. (and I realize that for the cheating spouse, the attraction of the affair is not so much any specific quality of the OP, often the LBS is a lot better person in many ways; but the affair is all fantasy and fun with no responsibilities and that is the attraction.)

and therefore, since the lying and denying are in effect enabling the affair, I think that what Abbey wants is for him to admit the truth and then stop the affair. the question is - if they do admit the past and if they do stop seeing the OW, how do we know going forward that they are now telling the truth, i.e. that they aren't continuing secretly with OW in some way and/or haven't started a new affair with some other OW?

I am throwing this out for all those who have been there & done that. I know there are some who are already divorced and who are saying that this is the only solution - but isn't that like cutting off your nose to spite your face? some participants in this forum have rehabilitated their marriages, and the question is how you can be able to confidently trust the cheating spouse again after what he has done in the past.


Yes, I think that would be the perfect scenario for Abbey. That her H will dump OW and come clean.

But he's a cake eater and you can only be a cake eater if you have a spouse that is allowing you to eat cake.

She can't control her H. But she can control herself.

Besides, if she really wanted proof, she could put a VAR in his truck and then play it for him. Kinda hard for him to dispute that...

But then she would be in the position of making a firm decision and perhaps she is not ready.

As for regaining the trust after an A, as Starsky said, "Trust but verify."

My former cheating H is transparent and I would not have remained in the M if he was not. I simply would not feel safe and I would not choose to stay in a M of three or the possibility of three. That would eat away at my soul and affect my physical and emotional health.

Credibility + Empathy = Trust over time. My H shows empathy for my feelings, and he shows by his actions that his word is credible now. We are still working on the time part.

Also, attitude. My H's attitude has done a complete 180 from the time he was involved in an A.

But still...

Trust but verify... in piecing.

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Great post, Endeavour. whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Wow you guys provide great insight. As of right now I would say that everything "Surface" level is good. But a gal just knows when she is not number one. It has to do with "connection" and I am not talking physical although that would help! I have been the initiator of sex lately, and am shut down 50% of the time..."my stomach hurts must have been the jalapeños or the good n plentys...." that was last night.

I have really hung in 3 1/2 yrs now. I've done 180s, I have worked on me, gone back to college, gym, hiking, photography, ........nothing makes you feel like *rap though more than knowing that your husband is a liar......right to your face.....and nothing changes. YES we hang with friends, hike, go to ball games, parties, cook, garden, yada yada.........he spends time at home. But something is missing. I know he is seeking emotional and physical fulfillment outside of our marriage.

Not after all this time....not so sure about divorce busting......although maybe we wouldn't still be married if it weren't for all I've learned here. But I am beginning to ask myself "is this all there is for me?".


Me - 49
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S - 23
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Originally Posted By: abbey1989


I have really hung in 3 1/2 yrs now. I've done 180s, I have worked on me, gone back to college, gym, hiking, photography, ........nothing makes you feel like *rap though more than knowing that your husband is a liar......right to your face....





I know, Abbey. frown And I would contend that the dynamic is 10x worse when the liar knows that YOU know that he's lying, and it's even been discussed before. Once you get to that "he knows that you know" stage, and it's allowed to go on, it's extremely damaging to the remaining fabric of not only the marriage, but to the betrayed spouse's own self-esteem and even emotional health, I would contend.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thank you folks so much. I don't even know if I have mentioned that my H has been out of work since October. he has been bidding on jobs but in the past he has always landed great projects because of his reputation in the industry.....word of mouth...no advertising. Obviously a different economy these last few years. At the start of this year, he took over the office from me. it was a relief but honestly there is no work so not such a big deal as far as added workload for him.

He has an interesting possible work connection/job offer that he is meeting about tomorrow. He mentioned that "since our kids are grown......he can take a job that might involve travel". I guess we have to do what we have to do to get by......but it was interesting that he didn't ask my opinion on the matter. I know.....I know....

Meanwhile......while making an eighth of his usual salary....for the last 8 months...he is helping ow with her house....for free. Do you see why I go crazy thinking about this?

maybe time spent on her project could have been spent dusting off a resume?


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
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Hi friends.....sitting in the airport........on way home from overnite business trip. Was dreading being gone overnight....worrying for weeks that he and ow would rendezvous...hookup...whatever. So....money has been tight ...we have been staying at home a lot and I have been cooking with many things from our garden....very enjoyable! but then last week I suggested after work one night...hey let"s go to our favorite sushi place they have a 1/2 off sushi happy hour...have off drinks!....and he said "well maybe if we exercise first......it is always about the food". OK....whatever! Flash forward to this week.......I have been out of town and last night H told me he was waiting on a call from a client for a "potential" client meeting up in San Clemente.....but he hasn't heard yet so he was just going to hang out at the coast to see if he got a call. that was 3:45
later he called me and left message that he never got the call for the meeting...(predictable) but that he decided to stay coastal...had a drink and watch the subset. OK that was reasonable. Then he called and left me a message at 7:30 that he had been out and was headed for dinner but would be home LATER. Called a couple of times and he didn't answer. Finally heard from him around 9:30. RIGHT.

So t,oday....my flight leaves at 7:30 and he is supposed to pick me up....and he says he is going coastal again to "drop off plans" to a sub and he "might get a bite ito eat'. Coming from the non-eating food avoidng $ thrifty person.....WTF!!!

Just sayin. BUT I wanted to let you know that I have found some peace at this website
http://www.positivelypresent.com/2011/06...ationships.html

And I am feeling young right now because i just got carded.....ha ha.... I apologize for spelling errors...on my iPad. Enjoy the night! I think it is the solstice!!!!


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
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Posts: 251
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Hi,

After all this time.........is it strange to say that I just don't care anymore?!!!! WOW!

Took me 4 years to get here....

Did someone flip a switch in my brain? Once I made the decision to stop obsessing about what H was doing, I have been so much happier! And I don't even care. This has been a big month and I have no idea why!

Hope you are enjoying your summer smile


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
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hi- i think i'm writing to i'mthemom- i'm nero, new pretty much- was reading your posts- I am sitting here sizzling with anger and insulted to death to think (i'm pretty sure) my H (tho not married- 34 yrs together) is with ow. i can just scream- but what good would it do? how do you guys find the immense inner strength to just keep going on??? i've known for a year- i swear i hate it so badly when i know they're together- she's in another town- he is in one house - i'm in another- different states- he sees her on weekends when he's away- i hate it so much i could croak- don't tho. thought of calling her and telling her what i think of her, the cow - she knew me back in the day - I can't bring myself to do it and give her and him evidence of my pain - what would they do, laugh? make fun of me - don't know. I can't even contemplate spying in case i see them together and might die on the spot . i couldn't bear to look - - some days i don't even want to see his face or hear his voice- but miss my life (we were great together til he began cheating). so- i guess i THOUGHT it was great - i'm having so much trouble telling myself it's all about him and not hurting me. it hurts- he's doing it- he's deciding to do it- blah blah blah. alot of days i'm better and can shove it out of my mind for a bit- some days (today) i'm damn consumed and pissed that i'm nothing and so not important in his life and in his mind. any wisdom? any secret drug that gives me patience and ability to forgive- any anything that might help a poor sap???

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Still here....headed out for my yearly weekend with the girls to palm springs. I know that H is still in contact with OW as he is still actively helping her build her dream house. Of course he has never admitted or offered any of this. Interesting now that my son attends the college where she works. That might make their rendezvous a little more risky (or exciting).

Honestly the roller coaster never stops. It has been close to 4 years now. Just sad today.

It's kind of funny because H is always talking lately about Lance Armstrong and what a loser he is for cheating at the sport of bike racing. Cheating for all of those years!

I told him that cheaters always get caught eventually. BAM!


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
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