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Glad to hear you liked it! Her book is going on my list to read. I just went back and re-read her New York Times article last night, summarizing her experience. It kind of made me wish I had started saying to H "I don't buy it" whenever he started spewing crap! I'm not sure it works as well if H has already filed for D....

I like the idea of picking a mantra, though. I'm going to have to think of a good one.

PS I think the chicken coop idea is great!

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I say cactus. It's a funny word and a funny looking thing, and I say it in my head when my emotions are threatening to overwhelm me. It's gotten me through negotiations that weren't going the way I wanted them to, and much more. It's not what most people would call a mantra, but it works for me to snap my head out of a painful situation and into a memory of the desert and the cacti.

I think I would like to read that book too.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Thanks, v754. I know what you mean about wishing we could have known different things to say. I feel the same way, of course, about DR. I can only hope now, that I'm doing/saying things that in the future, I'll look back and realize it was the right thing at this time!

Cactus. Yes, I think anything that gets you out of the here and now to a better place in your mind works. The desert can be so beautiful!

On a cheery note, I currently have H's manual transmission convertible with a beast of an engine pulsing beneath the hood. I took it out in beautiful weather yesterday with the top down for errands while I was wearing a billowy summer dress.

I had a lot of fun driving it and got a LOT of attention including some young kid with a souped up car wanting to race me at a stoplight. Hilarious! I think when you are the LBS it's great to soak up some attention! I really needed that!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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I had a rough day yesterday. Crying a lot. Feeling depressed. Imagining H doing bad things. Picturing H asking me for a D. I took H's car out for a spin in the afternoon hoping I would feel better. I wished I could drive for hours but I had to get back to the boys.

I asked the boys if they wanted to go to a pretty, trendy spot in the city with me last night to see S18's guitar teacher play in a gig by a canal, but they said another time. I didn't feel like going alone & wanted to get up early this morning for a LONG bike ride.

I saw an interesting quote about worry just before bed: Don't worry about the future because if the thing you're afraid of really happens, you've worried twice.
And if it doesn't, you've worried in vain.

I also watched Laura Munson on YouTube talk about empowerment. I tried to let the concept, sink in, of me being in control of what I could actually change. I snuggled down in bed and wiggled my toes and considered the concept that I could actually be as powerful as the most powerful person in the world -- if I can control the things in my life that I can actually change. Namely, me!

So, I slept peacefully despite thunderstorms. I dreamed I was in the middle of a murder mystery. I wondered, when I woke up, if the dead body in my dream was my old, worrying self! Wouldn't that be wonderful?

H comes by for lunch today and afternoon, probably with fun pool activities again. I mentioned there was a live Latin American folk concert in the park tonight. He wants to go with me if it doesn't rain.

I read in advice on this forum to mention you are doing X activity but don't invite them. H always assumes if I mention an activity he is going with me. I guess that's the way we have always done it. Hard to get out of that habit and I'm, of course, happy to have him do it with me.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Could you try not mentioning your plans to H, just once? It is good that he wants to go with you, though, but it might be nice to break your pattern - for you.

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Quote:
H always assumes if I mention an activity he is going with me.


That's great if it goes both ways.

And is playing pool what you would choose to do with H? If not, suggest another activity.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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V.754. I think I'll try that. Maybe doing it on a night when I know H is already committing to another activity might be easier to start with. I almost went last night to the gig alone, but I really wanted to do the bike ride this morning. And I went 13.85 miles. A personal best for me.

Labug, actually I mean pool activities as in splashing around in our own pool. We always have had a lot of fun doing that both together and with one or both boys.

And did you mean about going both ways--if he mentions an activity I assume I'm going with him?

I'm feeling really good about how I look now with the "bikini ready" workout and some sun from doing yard work and zipping around in H's convertible with top down and sleeveless attire. I gained 4 pounds since May (need to gain some more)

I like it too because H can't bring his phone in the pool with him! Lol!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Ohh that kind of pool, my mind went back to your other post about the tearful night playing 8-ball or whatever. smile

Quote:
And did you mean about going both ways--if he mentions an activity I assume I'm going with him?


Yes, why does he get to assume that he's always invited to your activities but he doesn't invite you to his? (excuse the grammar)

Hope you have a great day in the pool!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Labug, the remoteness of our location is one of the things H wanted to "recreate" a sense of his childhood for our boys. Dirt biking, mountain biking, wildlife, campouts, domestic animals, garden, you name it! We've been here 9 years. H has a federal job on the edge of the city with a 45 minute drive from here.

Now he is in his (happen at any time of life) crisis, it is one of the things he detests about our home. Hence, he has to live in the city. He said he "likes to visit". I guess like a park or something.

What's that about?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
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I was a city girl, but always loved nature and H grew up in the country. When we came out here, it was rough for a for me for a while. I remember when we had been here just two weeks H said "are you going to make it?" So many fears. Learning to live with black widow spiders and not being able to find your children sometimes when they are outside.

But I've learned to love it.

I have a lot of resentment of H for leaving us like this. Not like he doesn't come to help, but I feel so much responsibility on my shoulders.

I wonder if that resentment is hindering me in dealing with him emotionally. Do I go into the "poor me" attitude too quickly?

Is that something I need to address in myself? Or is it just something that "is"? Doesn't everyone on here have resentment for their own situation? Maybe just recognize it and try to not let it get in the way?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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