if you could say those words to her - and believe me, when i read them i saw what you are made of, and they didn't scare her off - you are on the right track.
what you said was beautiful, ces.
what you need to do, is just RELAX into the unfolding of it. don't be the runner who trips right before the finish line because they are looking at the end so hard.
enjoy and savor every little minute of this. decide in your mind that the now is more important than the future
and tell us more of things like this, so that when we are all at the stage you're at now, we'll know the right things to say and do
from what you wrote - the keeping quiet, not reacting at all the correct moments- i may not be where you are (in my own working on myself) but to me it looks like only when you reached the point where you are capable of handling this time, can it be given to you and can it come to you.
the old you would have rushed this. TRUST that the person you are now, knows exactly what to do or say or be when it's needed.
it's as much about trusting YOURSELF as it is about trusting HER
it really makes my day to read what you wrote. and i hope you both have a beautiful day together tomorrow. and don't forget to throw a big ole shovelful of humor into the mix. laughing together is very healing
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
ces.. so happy to read your update. i think about you often.
the healing part is difficult.. but it must feel so great. you are an amazing man. you will not rush this.. but take your time to rebuild a solid foundation. (((( ))))
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Ces, I wasn't here at the beginning of your sitch, but have seen the progress in the time I've been on the boards. Sounds like you two are getting better at handling the hard conversations.
Just remember...one day at a time. I'm so happy for you at the direction your M is going.
CES I'm so glad for you that you have these tense moments. If everything was rosy you wouldn't be really learning how much progress you've made. The fact that you can say something uncomfortable that you're feeling, and she can too, and you can discuss it together, is superfantastic.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hey CES, sounds to me like your W still struggles with secretive behaviors that were big triggers for you in the past. The fact that you are calling her on them and/or she is owning up to them instead of waiting to be found out is a great step forward, IMO.
I believe it has been said around here that piecing is the hardest part of this journey. So I guess you should expect setbacks from time to time. It might help both of you to acknowledge openly that you will experience these setbacks so as not to allow them to derail your progress.
All in all, things do seem to be looking up for you and your W. Keep plugging along.
Wishing you all the best!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
The day together went fine. It was fairly comfortable spending the day together. It was not romantic. It was not engaging to any great level. We spent time together and talked about the kids and general stuff. Its an early step in the process of getting re-acquainted.
We spent all afternoon at the zoo, then went to dinner and then walked around downtown together and I showed her different spots or restaurants that she has not been too yet. She showed me a couple places where she had gone with some friends when they were in town.
This was sort of an early anniversary evening so I got her a gift. She had seen a summer dress at a fair downtown on my birthday. I had gone back and bought it for her and gave it to her last night. She seemed very appreciative of the gift and the fact that I had noticed and gone back for it. She smiled big and thanked me and said how much she liked it.
-Expectation alert- Here is where part of me was hoping for at least some type of hug as part of the thanks but it did not come. I had to reign in my disappointment pretty quick.
Today, W is coming to the office to have lunch with me and I am giving her a tour of where I work. Its a very interesting place and lots of tours are given each year. In the 2 years she's been here this is the first time she'll actually tour the place.
W is also doing a volunteer event with me next week which is a first since the move.
During dinner W asked me about my time off. There are 3 potential trips next year and she was asking if I would be able to join them for all 3. It was nice to be included and see that she is trying to work the schedule so I can be part of the travels.
So lots of good things. I am working to focus on these. I've looked over what everyone has said and I am reminding myself constantly not to rush this. I still see so many challenges and there are still little things that worry me and make me not trust my W. I'm not sure how to deal with those. Do I set them aside and let time work them out? (seems typical of my past behaviors) Or do I let my W know how I am feeling and what I am dealing with to try and trust her which could mean some hard conversations and set backs to our healing?
Again, many good things happening and this is all very new in the past few weeks. So I'm trying to figure out how to pace myself and work through the various uncertainties without expectations still.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
