Well, apparently I'm jumping right into this 180 of moving towards vs. pulling away.....
Last night W and I had a heated conversation, but still I would classify it only as a conversation and not an all out argument. It dealt with spiritual matters and our kids.
In short the topic dealt with legalism vs. spirituality. As we talked through the topics, it became odd because we weren't really disagreeing, however my approach was towards church involvement as part of deepening spirituality while W moved towards involvement as legalism and not wanting to feel guilty for not taking part in things.
The main issue is W makes it difficult for me to get my kids to church and I don't appreciate it. She basically stated when she would allow our kids to go to church and that would be enough. I pointed out that while this may be fine for her, she is not the only parent and just because she's decided something doesn't mean I agree and that we needed to discuss further since we were both the parents.
Another issue goes back to my activities I'd planned with the kids. Friday was a day with S13 and Saturday night was a date night for me and D10. W stated that she and D10 were invited to go with some other ladies and their D's to a nearby lake on Saturday and spend the night, returning on Sunday.
Then she asked for money to cover S13's haircut today.
yes, these are all little things but it had built up too long. I'd surpressed my own feelings and hurts too long. So I responded via e-mail to W with my concerns.
First, I agreed to adjust my activities with the kids so W & D10 could go.
Then I expressed my frustration about how often when I plan activities for me & kids or with family, W has to adjust/change them to accommodate what she thinks works better. Historically, I've given in to all this to not make waves.
I also addressed that W had changed her summer plans without discussing with me. In the fall we had said they would only be gone 3 weeks. W changed plans without discussing with me so that they would be gone 6 or 7 weeks. I said that this was not appreciated, I didn't want to be away from my kids for that long and I didn't want to spend another father's day by myself. And if I needed do then I'd drive there to be with my kids.
Finally. I expressed my frustration about her asking for money. I stated that I was glad to provide for my family but didn't understand how W was able to travel, go out with friends, buy clothes on a weekly basis, yet, was unable to cover the cost of a haircut or assist with the credit card debt she contributed to significantly with her own personal activities.
The e-mail was direct. I pointed out things she didn't like hearing. I owned my own issues and expressed how I felt. It was a major 180 for me.
W replied very upset claiming I was attacking her and she needed time to process. Then she commented that she was trying to focus on positive things and now I'm bringing up all these issues. She mentioned several things she was doing that I knew nothing about. She said she does not want to talk to me about stuff. She closed by saying she would process my e-mail and we would talk tonight.
I responded saying that my intent was not to attack but understood how she could feel that way. I also explained that I am not comfortable talking to her either and IMO, this was a major issue of our M. Instead of dealing with our issues, we would move away from each other and if that continued, then our M would fail.
This is the hard stuff. This is the conflict that in the past I would avoid. I don't regret putting my issues and feelings out there. I'm uncomforable with it, but its a change I need to make. I've wasted too many years trying to find the "right time" or the "right words" before dealing with something and often that led to surpressing my feelings. Not this time. There may have been ways to do it better but I did it and that's a good start for me.
We'll see what happens tonight....
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
"This is the hard stuff. This is the conflict that in the past I would avoid. I don't regret putting my issues and feelings out there. I'm uncomforable with it, but its a change I need to make. I've wasted too many years trying to find the "right time" or the "right words" before dealing with something and often that led to surpressing my feelings. Not this time. There may have been ways to do it better but I did it and that's a good start for me."
Good for you, CES. It is time for the nice guys to start standing our ground. And if our W's push against us, we continue to hold steady and let them push until they realize it is time to work this stuff out.
Good luck tonight, I'm rooting for you.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I'm focusing on "truth & compassion" as a friend stated to me. I know my e-mail was not accepted as compassionate but I'll just have to deal with that.
Zig - I'm trying. Not feeling it at the moment as I'm about to head home but I'll get through it one way or another.
2- I'm really tired of it being a shoving match. But I've been shoved for quite a while and I am only trying to stand my ground, but I'm sure since the resistance is new, it will feel like a big shove to my W.
Ro - I'll take all the good vibes I can get!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
That's the problem with us nice guys, Bug. When the flood gates open it all comes out. I plan on letting her start and plan to listen more than speak. Hard tomsaybat this point if I've done more harm or good.
She continued to play "words with friends" with me today and was at least cordial when I got home. I'm off to a softball game so I'll see what happens when I get home
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces - just keep visualizing that it will go well - keep repeating to yourself - "i look forward to this conversation going well. i expect this conversation to go well"
if you haven't yet had it, wait until you get into that vibe and then speak from there.
good things will happen.
if you go in there apprehensive then that energy will come through in some way.
expect the best and you'll get it in some way
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
