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ces67 Offline OP
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oh, and yesterday was suppose to be the day W heard back regarding the model competition. It appears she did not make the list of 30 semi-finalists. She was bummed but OK. I listened, validated and supported continued efforts for what she wants to do.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Posts: 9,676
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Quote:
I still see so many challenges and there are still little things that worry me and make me not trust my W. I'm not sure how to deal with those. Do I set them aside and let time work them out? (seems typical of my past behaviors) Or do I let my W know how I am feeling and what I am dealing with to try and trust her which could mean some hard conversations and set backs to our healing?


Are your worries made out of whole cloth?

Did you read HTFYMWTAI? How to Fix Your Marr.....


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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ces67 Offline OP
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Hey Bug, haven't read that book yet. Not sure what you mean by "whole cloth"....


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Being from the same neck of the woods I thought you would have heard that before.

Whole cloth, as I've learned it, means untrue.

Is what you're seeing the truth or are you being suspicious because of past behavior.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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ces67 Offline OP
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I think its a patience thing. She is only disclosing pieces of information and some of the details don't seem to match up so that is raising my suspicion.

I know this will take time and I'm working to create a safe environment for her to give full disclosure. I would just rather have all the pieces to feel better for myself and build my trust of her. I just need to remember what I can control and what I cannot.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Feb 2012
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I'm working to create a safe environment for her to give full disclosure

disclosure about what?

is it more important that you know every detail of the past, or is it more important to let that go and work on what is in the present?

may have misunderstood what you were referring to about being disclosed.

i find myself thinking about that, if ever down the road h and i get to piecing - do i really want to know everything, or do i just want to move forward in as healthy a way as possible.

also from their point of view - some of the things they have done, i'm sure when they wake up, mortify them so deeply, that is is just more suffering for them, to have to talk about it, or can they quietly forgive themselves and let it go

about details not matching up - if they have truly been in the fog we talk about, should one take into consideration that later ,details are not so clear to them? i'm not trying to let that stuff off the hook, but i've watched h all these months, and he can't remember one day to the next - and so if later we are talking about it, i can't say i'd be so surprised if his "version" is a little different

it's very difficult for her to disclose - it's early on. just focusing on the NON-PRESSURE conversations, i imagine would be the fastest way to get her more comfortable.

stay empathetic for now ces. i imagine that now that you have got to this point,even though you may not think you do, you are wanting some validation from her for all your efforts.

let it suffice that you are getting PLENTY of validation - just by being at this point - and don't expect anything - even her disclosing facts. just take what she can give and be surprised and grateful that it was given

I would just rather have all the pieces to feel better for myself and build my trust of her.


you're looking to her for something you should find within yourself right now. build and sustain trust within yourself and trusting a good outcome. don't look towards her for things like that yet - you will get them when she is ready to give them to you.

it is these very very subtle things in which we add pressure, with no idea that we are doing so. she may not be getting the obvious overt pressure of you asking or pushing her with questions - but she may be getting the very subtle one of you needing to know more and not saying it

just my thoughts

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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ces67 Offline OP
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Hey Zig, good questions.

You're correct that I need to be at peace and I can only gain that from myself. Good reminder.

I also believe that a relationship cannot grow and flourish when lies and deciet exist. I still feel this exists in my M.

Last year, I found some notes my W had made regarding all the times she and OM had chatted online with video-chat and how W had shared with OM some info about her counseling sessions. W does not know I found these notes. What my W has represented about her R with OM was "just flirting" and fb chat (no video). In my opinion she is presenting an altered view of what really took place to minimize what really happened. To me, sharing information about a counseling session (which she has never shared with me) is a lot more that just flirting.

So when she present info that contradicts what I know, it continues to raise my suspicion. I'm considering telling her about the notes I found last year but haven't decided if that's a good idea or not.

I told her last night that I could see that I am trying to rush to someplace in our marriage that we are just not at yet and that I was working to keep it in check. It was a good, albiet brief, conversation with her.

It will all be in her time. Sometimes that just frustrates me. It gets tiring to let all this happen on her terms, her way, her schedule. At some point, I'd really like to be with a person who actually cares about me and how I feel. I would say this is part of the mental discipline of "pieceing" where I just need to be OK with myself and not hold on to these types of expectations. I do believe it will happen some day. Just can't say when "someday" will be. Sometimes, that's just hard to swallow.

I'm guessing someone will read that last paragraph and see it as whining or complaining. I wouldn't disagree. The thing is, these are all the feelings that are coming to me during this initial pieceing process and these are feelings I have to deal with. So may as well be honest about it. I aslo wonder that if these misrepresentations are not dealt with, does that make it easier for her to keep doing it rather than be honest? I see it as a boundary issue.

Overall, things are in a much better place than just a month ago. I am thankful for that. That does not take away the frustrations of a M that is less than what is should be and the need for me to deal with my own frustrations as they arise. The challenge is how I deal with them without damaging the healing process.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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ces67 Offline OP
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Journal stuff,

S13 got back yesterday from his trip. The past 2 nights have had very little interaction with W. She has been very busy working her part-time job which involves a lot of computer input work. On Wednesday night I just sat at the table with her and did stuff while she worked. Very little talking as I didn't want to interrupt her process. Last night again, she was very busy so I did my own thing. S13 had a friend over to spend the night.

Still more comfortable being around W than in a long time. I've never been much of a conversationalist so I get to feeling awkward sometimes when there is a lot of silence and I don't know how to start a conversation. I do ask more about how her day was and what she did in a more conversational way now that we are talking. She doesn't seem to mind and offers general feedback without getting irritated like she use to.

W has still not moved the tax return money into our joint account yet so I may need to ask about that in the next day or so. She & the kids leave on Friday of next week for the 6 week trip to our former home. I'll be going up Father's day weekend this year to be with them.

I still feel we need to get to counseling and have said so to W. I also explained that she has to want to go as well, otherwise it will be frustrating for both of us. She's taken no active steps to say she wants to get started with counseling again. I'm curious about why she is hesitant. She says she wants to work on our M but doesn't know where to start so I don't understand why she would not want to get a counselor involved to help us. I may just have to ask....


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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ces67 Offline OP
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Also, just to add a point, W had actually suggested going to counseling a few weeks back during one of our initial big conversations. I had been the one to suggest that she really be ready for it and not feel forced to go. Since then she's not made any steps to go to counseling.

Also, several weeks ago, she had asked for a list of counselors on our insurance so she could start IC after some obvious money issues. I provided the list but she never set anything up for herself on that either. Hmmmm.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
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I'm curious, if she has said she wants to, why don't you set up the appt?

But now she's leaving for 6 wks and that opportunity it lost for now.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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