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#2250147 - 05/31/12 05:09 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
Well, texting him from the storm shelter was darker than getting him to come be with you in the storm shelter, but not by much.

Who would you text if he weren't in your life. What friends can you rely on, or family (not sons)?

What would moving on with your life look like? Can you begin to do that?
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2250192 - 05/31/12 07:31 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
Hi RH, I've been reading up on your sitch, which has some similiar elements to mine. You've been getting some great advice from other posters.

My H still lives at home, and we get along, spend time together at home, still hang out, and also still ML (WAY more than before the bomb drop!). I found out my H was having an A and he said he was done in January and was supposed to move out...but he's still there.

It seems like you are focusing on your H ALOT. Believe me, we all do in the beginning. But you really need to focus on you. I'm not going to tell you to stop ML with your H because I haven't, and that would be hypocritical. But I will tell you to be careful. Sounds like he is cake eating - my H did - (Still is sometimes. I think all WAS do it at one time or another).

Think about the questions the other posters are asking you. I'm going to ask you this: What are you doing for YOU during this "trial separation"? What work are you doing to become a better you so you'll be a better partner no matter what happens?

Just some things to think about. I think given the circumstances, you're doing pretty good. But let H miss you some more. ALOT more in my opinion. Be & look busy...real busy. (Okay, so my busy was being a part of a FB group for the last few months...I think it at least made him wonder who I was talking to when I wasn't talking to him. *shrug*)

I would also encourage you to speak to one of the DB Coaches if you can afford it. My coach is Cheryl and she is the best! They may be able to help you come up with a list of what's working and what's not, and where to go from here. Just something to think about.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2250197 - 05/31/12 08:09 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
LostIn407 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/24/12
Posts: 186
Quote:
So, we started playing pool and he said what his plans were for Friday & Saturday with his new friends--all things I would love to do. None of which included me. So the tears tried to come


I know how you feel here. My W is doing the same and the pain hasn't gone away. Everything she said she needed space to do, I would happily do with her.

I am just making time my friend and hoping that when the W is doing those things, she thinks about how much fun it used to be when "we" did those things. I can hope, can't I?
_________________________
M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012

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#2250264 - 05/31/12 10:57 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: LostIn407]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
Thanks so much for the empathy and advice!

No, I haven't been letting H miss me much! Cause I miss him so much! But NOW I know better!

I felt like I had been doing a few things or handling a few things without him. But in my mind I still think of him as my best friend, so I tend to still discuss things with hiim. I think that is bad in this situation.

I'm the naturally more talkative one so it feels so strange to reverse roles.

But with you all encouraging me, I think I can be more independent. I've tended, at times, (in the marriage too) to have low self-esteem. I tried to make a list of my talents and good points the other day and I could hardly come up with any!

When I was a career girl (before I was married) I was cocky and assertive,
well-dressed, and flirty. That's the girl that caught his eye. I want that back! It seems so far distant, age 52, SAHM that I am. But I would love to be that way again, just maybe a bit more mellowed with age and maturity!

I talked to H today on the phone about some car insurance issues we needed to discuss. I told him I'm almost done with S12 homeschool (sixth grade) and I'm looking forward to a "great summer"!

I don't know exactly how to do that. I'm not keen on doing things alone like attending concerts in the park or things like that. I don't really want to go to a meetup group, although I guess I could.

I've got a lot I enjoy here at home, but I've got to create a mix. (we live out in the country).

It's hard to know how to connect up with like-minded people. When we left church (first him, then me, the boys still go) we lost most of the few friends we had. Now he's got his new group, but I don't.

He goes to lots of networking events. I could try to go to one of those if I'm sure he won't be there. There are a lot in the city, especially during the summer.

I wasn't crazy about the cake decorating class for meeting people. There were so few there and I didn't click with anyone. But...I can make a pretty cake now smile

Any ideas?
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

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#2250273 - 05/31/12 11:33 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
RH - why don't you treat yourself to a new outfit that calls back to your prior flirty self?

As for going to concerts alone - I used to fear going anywhere by myself. Not so long ago I went to my first concert by myself and it was truly liberating. I realized that I could pay attention to everything that was going on, rather than always having some attention directed at the person with whom I was there. Plus - you can go anywhere in and out of the crowd - that's much harder with a group! I say go for the concert in the park - just one - take a blanket and a nice snack. If you don't like it, you can leave. But you just might be surprised, and you'll never know if you'd like it if you don't try it!

If you liked the cake decorating class (but not the people), what about some other kind of art or cooking class?

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#2250276 - 05/31/12 11:39 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8918
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Girlfriend, I'm older than you are and have been married twice as long. You have no excuses.

I stepped my game up. You can, too! I ride my bike and do yoga (at home) it makes me feel strong.

I go to movies by myself (After the initial weirdness was over, I enjoy it-no one else to worry about, I can see what I want, when I want.)

Google Meet-up and see if there are groups in your area you might enjoy. Try it, you don't know you won't like it. What would you say to your boys if they balked at doing something like that?

Did you leave your church because you wanted to or because H did? Do you want to go back? Do, if that's what you want.

Or look for another church.

Volunteer somewhere.

Your H should see that you also have options. Right now you are the Plan B.

Do you want to be Plan B?

I didn't think so.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2250305 - 06/01/12 12:44 AM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: labug]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
I'm loving these ideas! Thanks so much!

I've been dragging my feet because I don't want to be in this situation, but I can see...if I don't make some changes, it may become the permanent and not the temporary arrangement. I know, I know, I need to do it for myself.

But, I really did come here to see if I could work on my marriage, and I really do want him back. But it wouldn't be good for him to come back now with me being mopey and clingy. That's not healthy.

I really could be motivated by labug's comment. I DON'T want to be Plan B!

I really do have quite a bit of extra time, and I've been using it to mope, look for H's status on FaceBook and text my sister with my woes.

It's exciting to know I can make a Plan A! Now my brain is burning with ideas.

I could try a meetup group.

I could go to a concert, thank you v.754. The town where S18 will attend college this fall is only a 40 minute drive. I would have some connection there since he is accepted. We've been driving there for music lessons every week for five years for S18. University towns typically have lots of live music options.

I have a passion for flowers. I kind of got distracted by feeling like we "should have" a vegetable garden since we are homeschoolers. But my heart wasn't in it so the garden is overgrown. I really want to grow bulbs. And I'd love to landscape our yard with bulbs. That is something that I've taken an interest in now that he's gone.

And I actually liked the cake decorating part -- just not a good networking activity. I actually thought I might like to take all the Wilton classes offered in this area and considered making a small business.

About church. We are in the Bible belt and most people's social activities here revolve around church. H and I were not churchgoers when we met & married. We joined later and he got out first & I examined myself and was then in a hurry to get out. I feel burned by our church and am not in a hurry to get back to any church any time soon. I'd like to be in touch with a spiritual side of me, but I have LOVED not being in church!

S12 raises chickens and sells eggs for a business. I wanted my own 2 or 3 hens with the turquoise eggs like Martha Stewart's. I know, I know you are probably laughing but he's had chickens (brown eggs) for years and S12 has so many customers I have to buy my eggs at the store. So I thought I'd like to build a cute coop of my own with a couple of my own hens.

And yes, labug, I ride my bike also twice a week 8 miles and have an exercise program I like. NOT H's idea. I'm on "bikini ready workout" Lol!

So lots of ideas. Next, I guess I need to sit down and start planning my weeks. Not just saying I'd like to do this or that. Make calls, appointments, shop for clothes, shoes, yes!

I was worried how to GAL because I didn't want to do just what H is doing, although I do like his activities. This would be MY life! And a good one too!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

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#2250307 - 06/01/12 12:54 AM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8918
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I live in a college town and am planning to buy 2 seats for either the Theatre Company or the Presents series from the U and I can invite whomever I like to the productions.

Paying that much money is great motivation to attend!

And yes, planning is key.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2250313 - 06/01/12 01:52 AM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: labug]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
LostIn407, just wanted to say thanks for posting. It s so painful to consider their activities and they are choosing to do them without us.

I am hoping that valuing and planning my own activities, will help me to appreciate what he is doing, as would a friend.

Like he is going golfing with his friends on Saturday and having a party at HP Saturday night to watch Caddyshack. I complimented him on the clever choice of movie with the golf theme. (this is after I came to my senses, lol) he said he didn't know if other people would think it as clever as I did.

Whenever I ask him how he is he sounds forlorn or confused. He's definitely not happy, in his soul.

And labug, I'm 2/3 of the way through Laura Munson's book and absolutely LOVE it! Thanks so much! And great idea about live theater. Theres lots of that in the city.

Would like to use DB coach but can't right now. Maybe soon. It's so expensive and we get 8 counseling sessions for free through H's work plan. I'm afraid to go locally. I went to one three months ago & never went back. His suggestion was to surprise H in a bar, dressed to the nines, and pretend I didn't know him. And other ridiculous ideas.
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

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#2250463 - 06/01/12 05:40 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
I just finished Laura Munson's book this morning. I want to reread it again right away, this time pausing and digesting some of the parts more slowly.

I sent her an email, briefly outlining my situation and thanking her so much for sharing her book. I was thrilled that she emailed me back! Her advice is just like what posters here advsie: the commitment is to take care of myself, get out of his way, and do the things I love. Good advice.

I feel good going into this weekend. Not because of the day I won't see him or because the day I will see him. But because I have a plan! A plan for my life!

There are many tidbits in her book I want to keep, and one of them is....when you need to focus...pick a word full of meaning and say it over and over. Like a mantra. She said she has used many different words over the years. I've picked one and will use it this weekend when my emotions don't want to be controlled.

Beauty.
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

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