Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12
#2249744 05/30/12 02:32 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
Good morning DBers,

Time for a new thread.

I am starting to float instead of fight..let go instead of grab and grasp, take back my power instead of give it away.

There are still painful times, but they are fewer and less intense. I have learned that they are connected to me allowing myself to fall back into the victim role.

I read the following tis morning from Pema Chodron:

"WHAT ARE WE PRACTICING?

The painful thing is that when we buy into disapproval, we are practicing disapproval. When we buy into harshness, we are practicing harshness. The more we do it, the stronger these qualities become. How sad it is that we become so expert at causing harm to ourselves and others. The trick then is to practice gentleness and letting go. We can learn to meet whatever arises with curiosity and not make it such a big deal."

I am probably scheduled to meet w/ SIL tonight (she is not totally sure of her sched yet.) I have not seen her for months. I have been avoiding it the past two weeks due to fears of being served the D papers. I also expect that seeing her will bring up a lot of memories.

But I am facing one by one all my fears.. as one of my "angels" on this board, Val, suggested

"You'll never know where you are in your journey or what work is left to do until you get out there and test the waters."

So tonight I am testing the waters.

My plan is to be true to myself... (well, the myself I want to be and am working on becoming)....warm, loving, happy, confident. I do not plan to bring up W but if she does, I will try my best to express my good wishes for W...and to change the subject..

what does everyone think of my plan?

oh and I am excited to tell her that I am thinking seriously about doing a triathlon in September (I always pick a challenge to accomplish before my birthday..last year it was a 62 mile bike ride.)


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
You are amazing! 62 mile bike ride? WOW!

I am confident your meeting will go well. Just remember she is probably just as nervous as you are and won't want to get into it. It says a lot that she wants to maintain your R so cherish that. Whenever I get upset about my sitch I think of all the more horrible ones I know of and I'm grateful.

I loved your daily thought. You have great insights and I'm so happy that you share that with us. I'll be thinking of you tonight.

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
Thank you Brit for all your support and encouragement. Yes, she will probably be nervous too and if I focus on helping her feel comfortable, I won't be focusing on my nerves.

I am building a new relationship with her as well, one based on her and I, not on W.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
Another great new thread title!

It's okay to be nervous about seeing SIL. I agree she's probably nervous too. I would be surprised if she had the papers to serve you - that would be a pretty low blow!

This seems like a good occasion on which to practice acting "as if" - act as if she's not going to serve you and you're going to have a lovely visit and reminisce about the good times if the topic turns to that! If you act as if you're going to get served (which seems to be a very, very low chance of that actually happening), the visit will probably get off to a bad an awkward start. Maybe if things are going well you can make a joke of how you were worried it might go down like that and how you immediately dismissed such a possibility because that would be absurd! (maybe better not... wink )

The triathlon seems like a great goal!

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,433
Likes: 51
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,433
Likes: 51
Hope tonight went well NG

((( )))


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
Thank you friends.

SIL ended up having to do something for her son tonight. We rescheduled for tomorrow night. But I actually felt excited and happy about it this afternoon, not so nervous...

Sleep well!!


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
Good luck NG, stay positive and in control. Looking forward to hear how it turns out.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
was really looking forward to the update! Hope you're having a good day!

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
Thank you, Bustingout and Brit! I am feeling positive about tonight. I am excited about it.

However, I do need to VENT today...

I had to contact W due to our shared property and it brought up a lot of feelings of anger for me. Btw, I kept the email completely focused on the property issue.

I am angry that she had promised that we would go to therapy if we ever had problems and she didn't. (Well, 2 times, but that is not going to therapy...)

I am angry that she promised that if she ever had feelings for someone else that we would try and work things out instead of just bailing, and she bailed.

I am angry that she has taken something which most of the time was truly beautiful (our M) and reinvented it in her head to be something subpar.

I am confused about anger. My IC said yesterday that she felt that I needed to be angry to help me let go.... do I??


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Anger helps in letting go, yes.

Is your IC pro-marriage does your IC know that you want to be married? Or is that an assumption on my part? : )

If your IC is pushing your IC's own agenda and not supporting your chocie? Tell them to support you, or find a new one.

As for your plan?

It is awesome!

I am a big proponent of facing down fears...especially since right now? Nothing in the world feels worse than that pit in your stoamch.

Heck I almost got a big old spider in a terrarium by my bed. Instead I just startin picking up the damned things in the yard. Not fearing them doesn't mean liking them BTW. : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard