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#2249106 - 05/28/12 02:41 AM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: labug]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1288
Labug,

That's brave, choosing to think that he's never coming back.

I'm not there yet. I keep thinking that he will eventually, but I don't have any hope that it's going to be any time soon.

These days I'm sort of scared that by the time he does, I will be 'gone'.
That saddens me.

What I do realise is that I have to live my life as if he's not coming back.

It's giving him the space that he has decided he needs.

And if I don't do this, - i.e., if I fail to listen to him again, then I will just be confirming that I haven't changed at all.

And I'm getting better at this. Still have those moments of sheer panic at the thought, but I know it's the only way to pull through this mess.

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#2249677 - 05/30/12 10:22 AM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: NLW]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1288
Sometimes it's the little things that bring you down hardest.

Today, S13 came home from school and mentioned that the photographers had been at school taking the annual individual portraits of all students.

I said "Gee, hope you combed your hair!" and he replied that he didn't get his photo taken.

He said he hadn't brought the notice and pre-payment form home to me last week because he knew we didn't have enough money to pay for things.

He'd simply decided that this was one way he could take some pressure off me.

So now, after 8 years at the school (starting at age 4) and 8 formal portraits showing how S13 has changed year by year, we have a gap. Nice reminder, too, in the years to come, of what H did to our family this year, as the gap will always require explanation.

Very sad for myself. And silly, I know. Just seems a bit tragic on all fronts.

Tried to look up the photo company online to see if they do portraits in their own studio, but they are an out-of-town outfit.

Not the end of the world, but just another small poke in the very bruised ribs of my life.

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#2249686 - 05/30/12 11:41 AM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: NLW]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1814
Its always the little things that sting the most.

Stay focused on you and the kids. Dont try to predict the future or worry about the future. Focus on today.

Love you and thinking of you:)
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2249694 - 05/30/12 12:11 PM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: BklynMom]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
you could call sears. they have great packages. it will fill the gap. there are others, too.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2249698 - 05/30/12 12:30 PM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: scaredsilly]
unbidden Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 643
Also, schools usually have makeup days for kids who are absent. Maybe he can get his pic taken then?

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#2249703 - 05/30/12 12:44 PM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: unbidden]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
I was going to suggest the retakes too. But first you need to recognize that your son is anxious about the money situation. If you go ahead with the pictures maybe you should talk with him about why you love having a picture of each year, and where you can save up the money for the most inexpensive package. Talk to him about this stuff, because he is worried about your family's financial situation and trying to take it on his own shoulders.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2250604 - 06/02/12 02:08 AM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: adinva]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1288
Bklyn, ss, unb, ad thanks so much for your words of support. I will sort this out with my son and make sure he is OK.

However, right now, I need to share another punch in the guts, and more worry about what this is doing to my kids.

Background to my sitch is that H has not admitted to being back on with OW since he moved out - and steadfastly maintains he is not living with her (pretty much a couple of blocks away from our home in the next, more up-market, suburb).

This morning H offered to drive S13 to his basketball game as D16 had netball scheduled on the other side of town at the same time.

When I got home from the game, S13 reported that H had rung him before he was due to arrive this morning to ask "If Mummy and D16 had left yet?"

When S13 said we had, H pulled into the driveway in about 2 minutes, driving a silver Mercedes convertible.

When S13 asked him about the car, H said it was the last one in the driveway at his mate's house and thus easiest to get out so early in the morning. When S13 asked him if he liked driving it, H said: "It's a bit of a girl's car."

Now, I know that OW drives a Mercedes. And S13 twigged that what H had told him was a lie - as he knows that the mate and his male friends would never drive such a car.

I find it hard to believe H is treating us with such obvious contempt.

He must know that S13 will tell me - does he want us to know but doesn't know how to broach the subject?

I know that the OW is part of the mlc script, but when you get hit in the face with it like this, just when you start to feel stronger and begin detaching, it really sets you back.

Almost cried, thought about confronting him about what effect this BS is having on the kids, but then tried to remember that this is something H has to go through.

I know almost all of you guys have had to deal with this, too, so why should I be any different. If you can all continue in the face of such pain, why shouldn't I?

Just needed to get on here and let it out - and hopefully hear a few words about how to deal with this.

I'm tossing up between saying nothing and continuing to DB in the 'be pleasant, do not pressure, be the woman only a fool would leave' mode
OR
going completely NC and saying I think we should D as soon as possible.

This will mean instructing my lawyer to fight his claims over my assets in an aggressive way that will mean that a lot of dubious financial dealings around H's businesses will need to be put up for discussion.

Can't imagine there's much hope of coming back from sicking a forensic accountant onto H.

H is scheduled to return to help S13 with homework later this afternoon - once he has finished playing his game of football. So I will have to see him and act as if, I suppose.

This is so hard.

How easy would it be just to go for their balls and reveal them to all and sundry for the lying, cheating, pathetic adulterers that they are?

I can't believe he has left us for a woman who texted him when he first broke it off with her following my discovery of their relationship: "I will ruin your life".

She certainly has. And mine. And that of my 2 kids. And the lives of my elderly parents.

How I see myself running at them both, screaming: "Vengeance is mine: Hell hath no fury like a (good) woman scorned", as I extract my revenge...

H is not the only one living in a fantasy world at the moment it seems!

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#2250618 - 06/02/12 02:52 AM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: NLW]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
(((NLW))) So sorry for what you're going through. I don't have much in the way of advice but as tempting as it might sound to sic your L and his accountant on H, that's tempting only because it takes the sting out of the hurt you are feeling now as it would be an attempt to hurt H back. I think the best bet is to keep DB'ing (but closer to NC than not) and to give it the ol' 48 hours before you take the torch option. Your life isn't ruined; you have 2 lovely children and your lovely self. You alone have the control over how you handle this. Stay strong.

I also wanted to say that, although I didn't respond to your post earlier in the week about your S and him trying to take the load off of you by not telling you about the pictures, I have been thinking about all week since I read about it. I agree that it's important to talk to him and let him know that worrying about money isn't his responsibility and that he shouldn't feel like he has to carry that burden. Sweet kid.

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#2250634 - 06/02/12 04:19 AM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: vera be fierce]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Not only is the MLCer a true alien creature but they have lost all empathy and common sense..

I am so sorry NLW. ((( )))
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2250663 - 06/02/12 12:35 PM Re: Is the cake eating 6 [Re: needgrace]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1288
Sitting on the sofa on this cold winter night with my dog wrapped tightly across my lap and my 2 kids sitting next to me watching footy on TV.

I'm happy (and sad) and I got through today successfully when I thought at one stage I wouldn't, thanks to the existence of this place and the ability to share my sorrow and confusion with people who care. Thanks for looking in, verb and needgrace. Your kindness and concern makes all the difference.

Thankful that I didn't act out in anger and from hurt.
I'm finally starting to get somewhere in terms of being able to control myself and not trying to control others.

H came over much later than he promised S13 and helped with homework for about 20 mins.
Said he was late because a guy broke his back in the football game he was playing in this afternoon and the game was delayed until the ambulance arrived. This is the sport for which H refuses even to wear a mouthguard. Sometimes I feel like I'm in some sort of bizarre fantasy world...

The rest of the time H spent taking our (ie mine and the kids' ) dog to the dog park. At one stage he said to the dog: "Come to papa" in reference to himself.
Excuse my French, but HA effing HA.

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