Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
No, H doesn't live on our property. He rents a lot in an RV park for a crazy amt of money. I just have to shake my head when I think of it. But, it's his life.

About the mother-in-law. I have/had the best MIL in the world, she loves me, she loves my boys, and she stayed totally out of our lives except when invited in. I hope to be like her when my sons marry.

About his family, if he had to push them away it seems they weren't so close and wonderful.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
I accidentally hit submit-

What would you have done differently other than go to therapy?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
"About his family, if he had to push them away it seems they weren't so close and wonderful.". I never thought about that! What an awesome concept!

I guess I had always wished I'd been more perfect. Lol. More patient. More understanding.

My husband said about that summer, "my mother isn't just content to despise you. She wants to make sure everybody else knows it too!"

I always felt I didn't acknowledge their grief enough.

But now, I think what I would have done differently is the same thing I'm trying to do differently now -- detach lovingly, work on my own self and who I am, and let the other person have their own journey. Looks like those principles would work in all relationships


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
Hi ReachingHigher - just wanted to say I've read your sitch and admire how strong you are and how well you're doing.

I think your H is doing a bit of cake-eating, having a great and intimate relationship with you and then going back to his single-guy lifestyle. It's hard to know what's right to do, but I am glad that you have good times with your H.

Keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
I went back and re-read the beginning of your thread. He does sound like the classic MLC (even tho I hate that term)-how about life-crisis-which-can-occur-at-any-age?

Have you read much on that board?

Did H have any specific complaints or was he just done? My H had complaints and was also done and wanted to find happiness.

I read over on MLC but haven't posted there. This seems like home.

Weird, huh?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
Adinva, thanks for the encouraging comments. Sometimes I do feel strong, sometimes the weakest of the weak. Sometimes I'm embarrassed to post on here...but I think it's helping me to vent.

I'm not blind to the "cake-eating". I don't know how to give him space any other way. We are still very, very close. I am choosing to trust him right now. Of course, it still feels good to have him a part of my life. I don't know the struggles he has in his brain. I don't think, from what I read in DR, I'm violating the principles of this path.

Labug, recently I've started to try to identify those specific complaints. Many of them are solved now, but it doesn't bring his feelings back. I had a couple of major issues that made it really hard for him. I had a huge health issue for several years that made us all miserable. It took a lot of searching and trial-and-error but I'm very healthy now. But it wears down a marriage.

Partly in relation to my health issue I had a lack of interest in ML and a corresponding growing interest in church. He had that interest in church too, for a time, but it faded before mine did. I wasn't listening to him. Just kept pushing my agenda forward.

So, basically, he wasn't a priority for me many years. He had his failures too, but I think overall he was a great husband, and he thinks I'm a great wife.

He's never had the opportunity to live by himself like he is now. Never did it. Went from his moms place at age 20 to his first wife. Went from his first wife directly to me. We even did counseling at that time but we were so crazy about each other we ignored the advice to have a little time on his own. So he's taking it now.

The only other thing I could think if that might not be a resolved issue for him is career/money. We were both in the same profession. I quit. He makes very good money. But I haven't been as careful with that money as I should have. I urged him to give far too much to the church.

We worked for many years together to pay off our mortgage so we haven't "kept up" on our place like we should have. I know he would like it to look much better than it does. My health prevented me from doing a lot. But that's not the case now.

I know, from living other places and knowing him well, he needs a better standard of landscaping, decorating and home cleanliness than I have provided him. It's not like it's everything to him. He's just a man who would want to be proud of his accomplishments. He couldn't be proud of me when I was sick, when our place just looks "country". He grew up like that and wants so much more.

For him, the heart of it all would be a passionate relationship. But I know the other things are important too. I've done a great job with the kids, but they are growing up. There's more left to our lives and I think he's exploring if he wants to spend it with me or not.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
Had sort of a bad meeting with H. He wanted to meet me at a Mexican cantina for some beer and pool when he got off of work at three. He wanted to switch cars with me so his red convertible could be in our shed tonight when the expected hailstorms hit.

I guess, sadly, after this weekend, I felt some closeness with him. He obviously hasn't felt any different. I can't seem to get it in my head that these things take a LONG time to reverse.

So, we started playing pool and he said what his plans were for Friday & Saturday with his new friends--all things I would love to do. None of which included me. So the tears tried to come. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing & tried to pretend I was okay. But there were tears in my eyes almost the whole time -- I could hardly eat, couldn't play pool. Have we all been there? Sometimes I feel like I would be the only one that can't control my emotions!

So we go to the car. (not the convertible, lol) We talk. It's about our R. Same old stuff. Didn't need to go there. Emotionally it's over for him but he still wants to give it time to get his feelings back. He doesn't feel the party life has enough to offer him but he's afraid to go back to our marriage. On the fence. I cry. I tell him I'm not feeling in love with him either but I love him dearly and want to try to make it work.

When I told him my concerns about how much he uses his smartphone in front of me he immediately withdrew. We've had this same argument for many years. Before the smartphone it was the computer. He said he had to go & packed my things & put them in the convertible that I was taking. It was terrible. He gave me a fake hug. We drove away. I waved goodbye.

On the way home (soon) he texted and said he was sorry. That we have to expect things aren't going to always be smooth in these situations. I said I was sorry too, and let's go back to yesterday except I won't have expectations and I will accept his smartphone usage. (I like my phone too -- it's just one of those thorns you get in a marriage and not want to let it go.)

Then...we flirted and joked texting the whole way home. My emotions are crazy! Or he's crazy! Or we are both crazy! I don't know!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Hmmmm, my emotions are crazy just reading this. I don't know what I would do if I was in your shoes.

This:
Quote:
I know, from living other places and knowing him well, he needs a better standard of landscaping, decorating and home cleanliness than I have provided him. It's not like it's everything to him. He's just a man who would want to be proud of his accomplishments. He couldn't be proud of me when I was sick, when our place just looks "country". He grew up like that and wants so much more


About the landscaping,decorating and home cleanliness-are these things you want, too? Has he said he expects those things from you? You also have a very busy, full schedule.

Does he want, and let's face it, these are wants not needs, those things enough to pay someone else to get things to his standard?

Why couldn't he be proud of you when you were sick? What's that about?

I don't think he's crazy, I think he's getting a lot of what he wants and you're getting very little of what you want.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
I think you need to revisit the separated friends with benefits arrangement because it is hurting you. I know you want to keep whatever of him he's willing to give, but look how it got your expectations up and then crushed you to have good times and find out he doesn't want you.

Read DR and think about going dark with him, to protect yourself from being swung around emotionally. If he misses you and pursues you, that's good. But don't be so available for him. Consider not ML with him anymore while he's not committed to you.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
Labug, yes, he is willing to pay for those things. No, he's never really expected me to do more. I'm just grasping for what might be the problem.

The sickness was just hard for all of us (the family). Weak, sickly, feeling like I was dying, for years. I might've resented him too if he was like that. I know, shallow, but it's true.

Adinva, I'll think much more seriously about the arrangement. Our ML has been fireworks. Hard to let go of it. But being around an emotionally unstable person is NOT attractive. It's hardly worth it to not feel calm and balanced.

I've read DR a while ago and read a lot here. Still not exactly sure how "going dark" differs from LRT. I think I'm doing it, but I still mess up. Like two nights ago the electric was out and a huge storm bearing down & I texted him cause I was afraid. Earlier that evening my boys and I had gone in the storm shelter with rotating clouds just above us and dust swirling up from the ground. Scary stuff. Yes, he texted me back & forth and was there for me on the phone but he wasn't HERE!

I'm willing to try new options. I feel like he just isn't "taking time" he is giving us time. He's waiting for something. Something to change. That something must be me!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard