He's lost that lovin' feelin'

[labug]

Did you read the Laura Munson book? This is Not the Story You Think It Is

If you haven't, I think you would like it. Her approach to her H's midlife crisis was much like yours.

Have fun at the B-day party.

[labug]

Annnnnd, because I think you will appreciate this from one HS mom to another-S22 is on the Dean's List for his second semester at university after transferring from community college.

=@@= (that's a fist bump)

[reachingHigher]

Fantastic on your son's year on Dean's List! I know you are very proud and should be! It's a reflection on your hard work and commitment to him too! Wonderful!

About Laura Munson's book. Thanks, I'll look for it. I need some more good reading material. I hope it has a happy ending. Lol!

[labug]

I am proud but the best thing is I see how happy he is and how this is HIS accomplishment. He's proving himself and his self-esteem has grown by leaps and bounds. He's finding his place in the world under his own steam. It's been a joy to witness.

A very bright spot in what started out to be a bleak year.

He shared with me that he has realized he thinks in a less regimented way than other students, he sees more possibilities and is more comfortable with outside the box.

Nature? Nurture? Whatever, it will serve him well in the future.

[reachingHigher]

H is gone now. We had a very nice day. I made a great lunch and we laughed a lot with the boys.

Why is DBing so hard?

I wanted so very much to "talk about things". But I didn't. Didn't cry. Just upbeat and helpful.

I did ask him if he had thought about MC. He said he had thought about it. He said "one way or the other" it would be good to know where things are at. I, of course, was dying to know NOW and what that meant, but, somehow, I kept my mouth shut.

I just figured if we go to MC I'll understand a little more, perhaps?

After riding dirt bikes with S12, H showered and was just laying on the bed looking at the ceiling fan. I asked if he was sad (he looked very sad), he said, "no, just contemplative". I tried to remember all the advice about giving your spouse space so I said nothing.

He'll be back at 9 in the morning to take S12 to an ATV park.

I say we had a nice time. But it's obvious H is plagued with lots of feelings he's not sharing. When I see pics of him partying with his friends he looks like the life of the party. Ecstatic even. When he's around us (wife and kids) he looks torn.

[reachingHigher]

Labug, I read the reviews fir the Laura Munson book. Not for everyone but it looks terrific for me! Thanks! I'll get it ASAP!

Funny, even the quotes from the book on Amazon I found inspiring. I find myself becoming so easily encouraged and discouraged these days!
Roller coaster?

[reachingHigher]

Had the best day with H! He ate breakfast with us. Took S12 dirt bike riding. He ate lunch with us.

We splashed around in our pool with S12 playing games for a while. It seems so bonding to have two committed parents having fun with their child!

We talked for a while too. I told him I didn't want him to feel like I was pushing him into MC. H reaffirmed he is on the fence. Not willing to give either life (party life or home life) up. We both agreed we could live this way for a while as he felt only "time" could help him.

We did an interesting thing together. I showed him my synopsis of my diary since 2008 when we both feel the MLC started. We read it together. We both cried. Somehow, it seemed to have an impact on H to see his pain & our oft reconciling -- chronicled before him. He thanked me sincerely, then wasn't ready to talk any more but he treated me differently (much more gently, kindly and lovingly) the rest of the afternoon.

He didnt leave till after six. I'm not expecting changes. I just think it looks like it was a good thing, a healing thing for him to read that with me.

He told me his mother is urging him to divorce me and not to worry how the boys or I will fare. :-(

I'm going to buy the book labug suggested tonight on iBooks (my first iBooks purchase--but I want to read it right away). I read the free preview last night.

Thanks, labug!

[labug]

Glad you like the book. I read it very early in my journey.

We have always camped in various forms from tent, to pop-up camper, to truck camper, to trailer. In fact H has made our travel trailer his home since he moved out. Camping was one of our favorite things to do together.

As the boys have gotten older they don't appreciate camping as much but we had some great times when they were younger.
______________________

Why would his mother say that? Is there a history there.

[reachingHigher]

Does H live on your property in the travel trailer?

Yes, history with the mother. I didn't know if it applied to my sitch so I hadn't brought it up. H was married at age 20, for 7 years, no kids, then met me. His mother hated his first wife. H falls in love with me, divorces first wife. His mother says she'll make every day of my life hell if I marry him. He marries me, his mother becomes best friends with first wife. Go figure.

Rocky relationship throughout. In many ways I'm like her, in some ways not.

When his sister died in 2007, I really feel like his mother wished I had died instead. His sister lived at home for all of her 40 years except two when she married, then divorced.

I struggled with my feelings of resentment toward my MIL for many years. I've pretty much detached myself totally, a good feeling. She never contacts me, and never responds to any overtures from me. It's ok, when I used to complain about her, H would defend her. Now I never say anything but supportive things about her ... And now he complains about her!

I suppose she is connected with his MLC, in that she came to live with us for six months after his sister died. The summer from hell. It's all in the past now, so it seems.

H wouldn't listen to her when she begged him not to marry me. He said he won't let her influence him now. He brings these things up, not me.

[reachingHigher]

Considering this situation with my MIL. After the summer from hell with her, I told my husband he would have to choose between her and me.

I had suggested SO many alternatives -- living in town, renting the house next door. After all, we live on twenty acres! I suggested building a small, beautiful cabin for her. H wanted that for her too. We offered to adopt his niece, his sister's daughter, age 6, living here now too.

She would have none of it. She had to live in our RV pulled up next to our house, about eight feet from our French doors from our homeschool room.
Where I spend much of my time.

So...the point of bringing this up is my H had to ask her to leave. Probably one of the most painful things he ever had to do. They lost his father in 2002.

In hindsight, would have made some different decisions? Yes. I would have gone to therapy! I suggested she needed it! It was a nightmare for all of us.

It set the stage for his MLC the next year. He had low confidence, we had few close friends, and his close wonderful family he grew up with had either died or he had to push away.

Insights for me? Advice? Encouragement? 2x4's?