Not Being A Victim

[wishing, hoping]

I am with you BK. D just svcks. H has not told anyone. The kids wouldn't even know if it wasn't for me. I am being strong for them. But then again my H does not want me telling people because I tell them the truth. He just tells lies.

[job]

You are not lying if you don't "freely" offer up information about your situation. It is absolutely no one else's business. However, if you are approached by someone and they ask, just simply state "we are separated" and leave it at that. Your business is not fodder for others to discuss behind closed doors.

As for being the mouth piece and sharing the news on FB or any other way...I say, if your h wants people to know, he can tell them. He wants you to do it because you'll put a nice spin on it...don't help him w/this. You do not want the separation/divorce, so why should you tell people that you are happy w/everything that is going on. Bottom line...your h doesn't want to come off looking like the @ss that he is in what he's done and continues to do. Do not help him w/this. He wants out, he can deal w/the consequences of his actions.

I appreciate what you've shared about your parents and the neighborhood where you were raised. I truly believe, from reading your postings, that your children do have it better and they will again...it will take some time, but you are a strong and independent woman who will take care of them. No one could see into the future that your h would have a crisis, not even he knew it was coming. We just have to hope and pray that he navigate the crisis and return a rational and mature man to be the father that he is suppose to be.

Please take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, drink lots of floods, be sure to eat and one last thing...pamper yourself once in a while.

[dl443322]

Oh Bk, I can feel how hard this is for you.

I agree with Snodderly. If your h wants to tell everyone, let him do it.

You do what feels right to you. A simple, we are separated right now, is enough and tell only those you feel comfortable telling.

People will move on to the next thing.

You did the very best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time.

You show your children how to navigate through life's struggles with courage and strength.

Let them know you will always be there for them and love them unconditionally. If you are ok, they will be, too.

Go to these events with your head held high. Looking good and smiling.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. That's all on him.

[BklynMom]

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH, SO WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR TONIGHT.

THANK YOU:)

[wishing, hoping]

(((BK)))

[BklynMom]

I have had a moment of clarity. I know in my heart that the number 1 reason I want my H to come back to our marriage is because he is an amazing man and my best friend. He is my partner is everything. He has help me sort through life for 10 years, his my main man and I am his. I know this.

The 2nd Reason I want my H to return is because he is the father of my beautiful girls and he is a great Dad.

#3 Intimate Companionship

But reason #4 was the revelation. Reason #4 I try to hide deep in my soul so that no one can see it. Reason #4 is that I want my H to come back so that the family picture is pretty and complete. Reason #4 is small selfish reason that I didnt even admit to anyone including myself until tonight. But one person knows all about #4. He knew before I did. The sad thing is, is my H thinks reason #4 makes up 90% of the why pie, when in fact it is only a very tiny sliver.

I need to show him through my behavior, that I truly believe he is wonderful man regardless of this crisis. I need to show him that I dont love him or want him to fulfill some ideal fantasy family photo. He knows me better then I know me. He can sense my every desire. I believe if I can purge reason #4 and mediate on reason 1 & 3 before each interaction with him slowly he will open his eyes again and see his loving wife waiting patiently for him.

(now the fantasy - Then he will come to my window one night and blast In Your Eyes on his boom box)

[wishing, hoping]

That is awesome BK. I often think of the wonderful man I married but I keep seeing the jerk he is being now. My good memories are being overshadowed. I am detaching maybe too much. Lol!

[BklynMom]

My H wants to do a meeting with our lawyers. He has asked before for this type of meeting before and I have declined. I dont like that I will be negiotiating on the spot. I like to receive things in writing and have a few days to think about it. This is my proposed response.

Regarding a 4 way meeting. My father has strongly advised me against this meeting since in his experience woman usually agree to more then they should at these meetings in an effort to please their estranged husband. I however am not opposed to such a meeting but I agree with my father that from a legal stand point it is not in my best interest. Initially when you told me you were terribly unhappy I begged of you to attend marriage counseling with me, you declined. Now I could graciously decline as you did but I am willing to do the meeting in a trade. You go to 3 AA or Al-anon meetings and I will agree to a meeting? What do you think?

--
Thoughts??

[job]

I wouldn't have a meeting. Usually when meetings of this nature occur, the lbs is put on the spot and tries to bargain w/the mlcer. If you are paying lawyer fees, then let your lawyer negotiate w/his lawyer. You do not need the unncessary aggravation.

I would simply state that your lawyer is available to discuss any issues that his lawyer may need to address and leave it at that.

As for putting a bargaining chip on the table for him to attend AA or Al-anon meetings...and in return, you would go to this meeting...I wouldn't do that. Not to sound cruel, but this is not a game of "dare"...you want to remain professional at all times because this separation/divorce is a business deal, i.e., contract that has been defaulted on.

[BklynMom]

I would only have the meeting as a strategy. I would not agree to anything at the meeting. I would just agree to meet. During the meeting I would agree to nothing - I would say I need to think about it.

I think my H needs to get into a program. A good part of his breakdown has been fueled by alcohol. 2 months prior to the bomb H said to me "I think I have a drinking problem. I said "your crazy, you only have 2 beers a night" whoops!

I was a fool.

I know I know you cant control someone. Let go and let god.

However I do believe I need to row the boat. I do believe I should do my best and let god do the rest. I should decide strategically what is right for me and let god take care of the results.

Thats my pitch