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#2249160 - 05/28/12 01:54 PM Re: New Day Rising [Re: greatwhitenorth]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
GWN, I haven't followed your whole thread, so I won't throw in on R advice. I think you're doing well if you're still DB'g at all this late in the game.

Re the boat: if it's a luxury item and you believe he's ultimately going to take over the payments, then you might be better off in the long run financially. The fact that it's already with a broker and not sold means that people aren't lined up for it. As long as you can confirm that the insurance is paid up, the depreciation is primarily defined by aging. Someone as proud of their boat as you've described your H is not going to do anything to damage it.

In other words, I think you did well, and for the right reasons besides.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2249180 - 05/28/12 03:19 PM Re: New Day Rising [Re: greatwhitenorth]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
GWN, I haven't followed your whole thread, so I won't throw in on R advice. I think you're doing well if you're still DB'g at all this late in the game.

Re the boat: if it's a luxury item and you believe he's ultimately going to take over the payments, then you might be better off in the long run financially. The fact that it's already with a broker and not sold means that people aren't lined up for it. As long as you can confirm that the insurance is paid up, the depreciation is primarily defined by aging. Someone as proud of their boat as you've described your H is not going to do anything to damage it.

In other words, I think you did well, and for the right reasons besides.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2249252 - 05/28/12 11:18 PM Re: New Day Rising [Re: Crazyville]
greatwhitenorth Offline
Member

Registered: 11/02/11
Posts: 331
Loc: Canada
So the boat is gone, as is a bunch more of H's things.

It was really tough. He was here for about 90 minutes and we had a good talk.

I gave him the speech about how we had a good life, things were missing but on balance it was good, I've always believed our marriage was worth fighting for and was willing to meet him half way, but that now i'm lonely and need companionship and wanted to be transparent with him. He appreciated that, and didn't say anything about it otherwise.

He did open up to me somewhat and suggested that something happened to him as a child that is at the root of his unwillingness to trust and his avoidance of intimacy. He told me he didn't want to talk about it and I immediately let it go.

He also told me that he hated seeing how our marriage was destroying me because of his issues. He hopes I don't ever meet another person who surrounds himself with brick walls. I said I'll know next time, that if the person refuses to talk about the past that it's a timebomb. He acknowledged that I'm not any of the terrible things he said I was, and said there's nothing in his upbringing that accounts for any of this.

I didn't ask whether he's talking to a therapist but it sounds like he might be because he put some pretty heavy things out there. I didn't ask about the homewrecker either. Maybe she's coaching him through this...I hope not.

He plans to reach out to my brother in law and has thought about reaching out to his fishing buddy but said "the boat goes two ways" and fb could reach out to him "but I guess this kind of is all my fault". We both chuckled. He said he misses my cousin most but is not sure why as he didn't see him that often. I said "and not me?" and we chuckled again.

We held hands while we talked, and hugged. He kept telling me I'm a good person. He didn't kiss me on the forehead like he had before, but put his head in the crook of my neck.

I thanked him for opening up to me, for trusting me with this information. He thanked me for taking a risk and sharing what I did.

I told him I know that he has to travel this journey alone. He said he wishes sometimes he could just live on a boat and not have a care in the world. I said there are always cares. He still plans to take me out fishing.

I sense a finality about things. He's in a completely different place right now, not connected to our marriage at all. My heart really is broken at this moment.

However, I feel that if the breakdown of our marriage has given him what he needed to deal with the pains of the past then I'd walk this road again in a heart beat, no matter how difficult and no matter the outcome.

But I aldo really hope that he isn't working through all of this with homewrecker and her kid at his side.

I'm sad in my heart. Not for me, but for him and for us and for this. But I'm so glad I chose to be kind. Life is short.
_________________________
me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011

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#2249256 - 05/28/12 11:28 PM Re: New Day Rising [Re: greatwhitenorth]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19392
Loc: Maryland
Yes, life is far too short and you've done all of the right things. Now, when you look back on this part of the journey later on, you can honestly say you loved unconditionally and treated him and the situation w/kindness. You've done all you could have done and I truly believe that your xh knows this. None of us know what the future holds, but destiny has a way of surprising us. Stay positive and good things will appear in all aspects of your life.

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#2249274 - 05/29/12 01:06 AM Re: New Day Rising [Re: job]
greatwhitenorth Offline
Member

Registered: 11/02/11
Posts: 331
Loc: Canada
I sent H the following:

Hi H

Thank you for talking with me this afternoon and for opening up as much as you could and did.

I am sorry for anything I ever did to hurt you in our marriage. I never did it knowingly or intentionally and would take it all back if I could.

This whole experience has been so incredibly difficult and life changing for me, but if it has brought you to a place where you can work through what must be some really painful things, then I'd do it all again tomorrow.

I continue to love you with all my heart, and wish you peace, strength and happiness.
_______________

I know it's not particularly DBing, but it's true and from the heart. And this situation isn't about DBing anymore. It appears that H is on a far bigger right now.
_________________________
me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011

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#2249347 - 05/29/12 11:31 AM Re: New Day Rising [Re: greatwhitenorth]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19392
Loc: Maryland
GWN,
Nice email...the time had come for you to post your thoughts to him. Now...it's time to allow him to heal and when he comes to talk to you again, listen very closely for you will learn even more about him and his thoughts/feelings.

GWN, now it is time for you to turn your focus back on to you and continue moving forward.

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#2249350 - 05/29/12 12:23 PM Re: New Day Rising [Re: job]
greatwhitenorth Offline
Member

Registered: 11/02/11
Posts: 331
Loc: Canada
Thanks, Snodderly. You're right. It's time to turn the focus back on me. I've been weepy since my eyes opened two hours ago but need to let it go.

I got the following response from H:

"Hi W. Thank you for listening. Yes I have been working on myself slowly. There is a lot of work to do. Thank you. I do wish you peace and happiness. I am very proud of you to follow your dreams. As your life changes so much it must be hard. When I see you talk about your future you have a glow and happiness in you. Thank you for your help and reaching out to me. H"

I nice reply I thought.

It makes me sad that he hasn't acknowledged the pain I've been through or apologized for his actions, but I know that it doesn't even factor into his experience right now. He is probably right at that age where he was victimized, in whatever manner it was. I've started reading about male survivors of sexual abuse...it's all there.

That something happened explains SO MUCH.

I wish he could let me help him but I know he can't.

I wore my wedding rings to bed last night and kissed them this morning before I got up, and will continue to do so until I'm ready to really put it away. It's my way of supporting him from afar. My heart aches.
_________________________
me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011

Top
#2249353 - 05/29/12 12:37 PM Re: New Day Rising [Re: greatwhitenorth]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19392
Loc: Maryland
I read a book many years ago that may be of help to you in understanding what he's going through. It is called "Silent Son" by Robert Ackerman. You may want to check it out.

It's going to take him a while before he acknowledges the pain you went through and some of them apologize in a half @ss way. I got an apology and recognition for the pain my xh put me through during the 25 yrs of marriage, but not for the crisis or what he did throughout the crisis. He swept it under the rug and he ignores any mention of it, even after 13 yrs. It's like it is a foreign country to him to this day.

By allowing him the space and time to heal, you are supporting him from afar. Treat him kindly and know that deep down he does still care for you.

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#2249547 - 05/29/12 09:49 PM Re: New Day Rising [Re: job]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
Kindness is always the best route to take. I'm glad your H isn't being mean to you, and has given you some reasons why this all happened. Most LBS's don't get that opportunity.

Stay well.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#2253326 - 06/12/12 08:33 AM Re: New Day Rising [Re: BeingMe]
greatwhitenorth Offline
Member

Registered: 11/02/11
Posts: 331
Loc: Canada
Just when I thought life was on an even keep and couldn't get any *better*, my family is now in crisis. My parents have had something of a blowout, with my old beyond his years, half blind, majorly narcissistic father leaving my mother here while he makes a four day drive home alone three weeks prior to their planned departure date. At this point my mother says "this might be it" and we don't know when she might return home. She simply got fed up with the horrible way he's treated his kids our entire lives...emotionally abusive.

When he pulled his BS with me in my own home after the year I've had I unloaded on him. I've also had enough. I'm not taking this on except to support my mother in any choice she makes. My fathers relationship with his two eldest daughters, myself included, is all but dead now, while that with the two youngest and their kids is on egg shells. We're all proud of our mother for finally standing up to him in support of us. It was a first and very hard for her. She got her strength from my standing up to him. You do not treat me like sh!t in my own home.

H had wished me "a wonderful visit" with my parents. I really wish he was here to support me on this. When I do talk to him again, do I mention it? Maybe only if he asks? Do I tell him how much I missed him in the midst of the family unravelling? Maybe in the context of "it was tough. I really missed your friendship and support"?

The return of sleepless nights, all be it for different reasons, really svcks.
_________________________
me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011

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