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brit-

once again you are right on. she is getting the best of both worlds. that is okay for now. my kids need her and she needs them. eventually the shine will wear off. then maybe she can see what really matters.

i do not regret what i said or did. that might be a first. i am peaceful knowing what i did was for me and my kids. she wanted to have lunch today so i did. she talked about going to minnesota this weekend to her parents. asked if she could take the kids. i said i would ask them. why do you need to ask them? i told her because it is my week and they can decide. i doubt S will want to go. she asked why i say that. i told her to ask him. she said please tell me so i did. S does not like his grandfather. he is scared of him and thinks he is mean. he doesnt like it when he cusses at him and spanks his sister. i dont blame him. i feel bad because i wouldnt say anyything to him before, just removed them from the sitch. i was trying to keep the peace. no more. she said she doesnt like it either and has talked to her mom about it. i told her maybe she should talk to her dad instead. i told her i have no control over what you do when you have them, but when they are with me they get to choose if thats something they want to do. i am not trying to keep him out of their lives, they get to choose if they want him in theirs. she didnt know what to say, so i said thanks for lunch(she bought, holy cow!) and said i would talk to her later. when she calls.

i dont do any of this out of anger. i do it out of love. you have really helped me with my detachment. i think i am doing it with love. i get alot of inspiration from you. i pray for my heart to stay open. i try very hard not to pursue. i am getting way better. i put my phone down alot when i start to txt her. alot of the time i dont even know why i am. okay i do, but i think it through now and 9 out of 10 times i put it away.

thanks for stopping by. i always look forward to your point of view. whether i like it or not. i always learn something


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Quote:

i know she is worth it. i would give her that chance over and over again.


Just so you don't think I'm Polly anna with rainbows flying out of my ass.

My wife had this one big f- up.

One, cause twice is a repeating pattern.

I'm pretty sure it won't happen, like bet the farm sure...but if it does?

I did this once for her and myself.

I walked through hell and back without her, turns out she followed me...

and that happens once. : )

It happens again?

I'm going to Vegas : D

But understand I did put some time into this...not talking weeks or months here...now? Now it is years, and we will always be piecing as long as we are together.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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vegas is a crazy town..lol

i get it. maybe what i meant is i am willing to put in the work until she decides it is over.


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yeah...I jumped out a of plane there. It was awesome. No place does that in Alaska so me and my friend HAD to go to Vegas to do it.

Face your fears now brother...cause nothing...nothing feels as bad as you do right now and your phobias? Are nothing but silly ridiculous things compared to what you're going through.

Falling and spiders... I'm 6'3" and a tiny spider scared me? pffftp. Not anymore. Falling? My chute doesn't open? Easy out.

you want to improve yourself in an easy way? kill your fears.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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i like that.. kill my fears. i am not afraid of alot. only a few things. mainly losing my family. my IC i used to see called me an adreniline junkie. i am not a huge guy like you..lol maybe thats why. always have something to prove.

i am going to kill my fears. part of me saying that stuff to my W was just that. i am not so afraid of losing my family today. it is wierd.


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hbsd, I don't think I'm questioning or disagreeing with what you said to your wife. Boundaries are good but I thought you had set a boundary with her before. Did I imagine that? What do you see as the boundary you set yesterday.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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i did try to set boundries before, you are not mistaken. i dont know if what i said was a boundry or how i feel. it is what it is. i am done with the crap. getting worked up over it, all that. i am no longer her little toy. whether it was a good idea or not, i have no idea. all i know is i dont feel bad. i guess if it was a boundry it would be, i love you and i want us to work out and be a family. if you continue doing whatever it is with these men, that will not happen. i am not okay with that. i also told her if she is the type of person that needs other men in her life as "friends" we will never work. i will never be okay with that.

what is your take on it? boundry or me just not knowing how to STFU consistently?


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Originally Posted By: heartbrokeinsd
i dont know if what i said was a boundry or how i feel. it is what it is.

I think it might have been letting her know how hurt you are by her actions. Understandable.

But now you've said it, stop saying it. At least to her. You can say it all you want here, but you've made your positions sort of clear.

Quote:
i am done with the crap. getting worked up over it, all that.
Only you control this. Are you done getting worked up over it?

Or does she have the power to get you worked up?

This takes work and a lot of looking inward. You're used to blaming others for your reactions. I get that. Have you heard this: "Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it."

Quote:
i am no longer her little toy.
Again, I think this is up to you if you feel that way. Do you think she's really toying with you? Or is she confused, too.

Earlier you said you felt like a doormat, not that she or anyone else had called you a doormat. So you went and told her you weren't going to be a doormat, instead of telling the person who thought you were being a doormat.

You.

Quote:
i guess if it was a boundry it would be, i love you and i want us to work out and be a family. if you continue doing whatever it is with these men, that will not happen.i am not okay with that. i also told her if she is the type of person that needs other men in her life as "friends" we will never work. i will never be okay with that.


That's part of a boundary. And remember boundaries are not to teach another person a lesson or get them to be who you want them to be.

Boundaries are to protect you.

If I spoke disrespectfully to you you would say to me "Bug, when you speak to me in that way it hurts and I feel disrespected. If you continue to speak to me in that manner, I will turn and walk away."

I now have a choice, I can continue to speak to you disrespectfully and you will walk away.

Eventually you might avoid me.

If the relationship is important to me, after a few times of you walking away, I might choose to change the way I speak to you.

But the choice is mine.

What is your "I will turn and walk away" in the statement you made above. A boundary is a wish and a prayer without a consequence and without enforcing your boundary it's pi$$ing in the wind.

Empty words.

People who have strong boundaries need very few.

Quote:
what is your take on it? boundry or me just not knowing how to STFU consistently?


I thinks it's confusion, fear, hurt, anger.

Think about using the 48 hr rule. Before you want to say something spurred by those feelings, wait 48 hours, go to a meeting, talk to a friend.

Then decide if it's still what you want to say.

You can do this.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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bug..i gotta think about this for a bit. thank you. i need to do this


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Bug,

You and Brit been eating Relation-O's or Divorce Busting Flakes or something?

really nice stuff there.

now the really hard part...

you living the words too? : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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