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i asked this question in the newcomers forum but i think i will have a better chance of a response here as we're all "trying" over there. i hope you all here can give me the benefit of your experiences.
question for anyone on here who knows the answer:
FOR THE DBer's WHO ENDED UP DIVORCED BUT HUNG IN THERE, MONTH AFTER MONTH, AND FINALLY WERE DIVORCED BY THEIR S OR DECIDED TO DO THE DIVORCING, DO THEY WISH THEY HAD THROWN IN THE TOWEL EARLIER AND NOT SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR SO LONG??
Sometimes I do look back and wish that I hadn't spent so long but it was a process and I recognise that I needed to go through everything I did to heal properly and be happy today. And I am very happy now despite being divorced and not reconciling. Anyway, you can't rush your heart, it will go at it's own pace despite whatever your head tells it.
M- May 2006 D - Aug 2010 Now travelling the world
I took a couple of years before filing for the D. My H moved back once but it did not last. OW had him firmly in her clutches. I did not stand a chance.
I think it is best to try to work things out and give it your best shot - especially if there are kids involved. It is far better to look back and know you did everything you could and be able to tell your kids that you tried hard - because they were worth it than to divorce quickly and always wonder what might have been.
I fought for five long years knowing my spouse did not want me. In that time, I used DB tactics and grew as a person despite the lack of progress in regaining my marriage. People would ask "when are you gonna give up?" and I'd reply "I don't know how to give up. I'll keep trying until I can't anymore" and that's what happened, when I couldn't anymore I pulled the plug. But, I can always look my kids in the face and say "Daddy did everything he could to save that marriage" and know that it is true. Don't leave only to think later "what if I had of..." Even in these difficult situations we can still grow and become stronger, better people. I did. When it's time to go, you'll know.
Divorced February 27, 2012.
Hope is not about moving mountains but about moving loose rocks one at a time ~ Fredrike Bannink
Thank you SFO and WII, there are no kids involved so the consequences of my choice will only be mine. I know I can't last five years! What patience! I will try to last until this coming December. I will not spend another Christmas in limbo!
I never had a chance to fight. My ex out of the blue said ". I'm not happy anymore, I'm leaving". And hour later after the bomb, we never lived together again. I shortly found out he was very deep in an affair. He filed right when the state law said he could ( 6 month after separation). 6 months after the d he was engaged to ow. They are now married.
I fought as hard as I could but there wasn't much I could do. He left me when our baby was 6 mo. Old. My focus was on making sure she was protected throu this legally and emotionally.
So, I can say, should I have married him? I know I shouldn't have. Long story, I was in love, we were together for quite a while, but I can't beat myself up over it.
While my dbing was just to cope and survive and try to make a better life for me and my daughter.
Whether your divorce is final or not, it depends what throwing the towel in means. You need to move in with your life either way. You can't wait. If you legally divorce, make a life for yourself, your the winner.
I have really learned through this process a legal divorce is not the emotional divorce. I don't know your sitch, but there is only something gained from letting go and making a life for yourself rather than " waiting" for someone.
What does " lasting" until December mean? Waiting for him to change his mind? Is he keeping you hanging on by a string ?
And again, I really don't know your sitch, but it says in your signature that you are living in his mothers house. That will keep you as attached as ever! Probably not the best choice for detachment.
Good luck. There are no wrong and right decisions, just don't keep your life on hold waiting for him.
thanks, gb23, no, i'm not living in his mother's house. he is. his mother and the rest of his family have cut me totally off; no contact, no concern if i'm ok. i'm not from this town so for the past 15 years of our lives together, they have been my "family" and "friends" and now, nothing. very dissapointing, to say the least.
throwing in the towel means filing for myself and not waiting for him to either file or R. it would be me saying to myself, it's totally over and there's no hope for R and i'm going to look for another partner in life because i like having a partner.
"lasting until december" is my personal deadline for making my decision if one hasn't been nailed down by then by me or him. an OW would make it quicker. i'm giving myself 'till then because i refuse to spend another christmas married to a husband who choses not to be with me. he has done that to me twice before (as punishment) and it will not happen a third time. it's just too cruel, in my mind.
i'm not keeping my life on hold completely. i'm GAL in many ways and enjoying it. i have had my son and his family in this town now for the past five years so i'm not completely alone anymore. however, it would be nice to have a male companion to enjoy things with.
thanks for responding to my big question. from yours and the other responses, i can see there is no clear-cut answer...
I think you need to ask yourself if you have tried everything. Even then, the pain will still be there but the healing will begin. It can take years. Don't rush into another relationship. It is best to find your footing again and get happy on your own.
You always want to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of it all.
M-49, S21, S18, D15, D13 Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson
but what is "everything"? that could be so, so much. no, i haven't tried everything, yet, but i can't see myself actually doing that. i would expect some returned efforts from him before i would try more.
i just see so many of us, me included, grabbing onto these crummy, little parcels of hope the WAS doles out our way; a certain look we see as hopeful, a word that could me he still cares, an action that could mean he's thinking of coming back. it's all so tragic and pitiful. it's as if we have no self respect anymore and we're not good enough unless this loser (and they're not that great or the marriage would have been better) wants to be with us.
i don't know. maybe, especially after being left alone for another holiday weekend, i'm sick of the game playing. besides making ourselves better (which i'm doing) that's all the rest of it is: game playing, trying to outfox them. that's why it's not recommended that we let them see the DB and DR books. those are our play books and they are the opposing team...