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I had avoided another opportunity to ruin a perfectly fine day. I've ruined many good days in the past by being controlled by my anxieties and attempting to keep my false self intact.

i thought i was coming here to read about you - but i landed up reading about myself!!

that process you went through - i do it daily and am getting so much better at catching myself sooner and sooner.

labug - it's a bit freaky how us LBS's display almost the exact characteristics in areas like this. that's why they left, right - it's hard to live with someone who functioned like this 24/7

and we did it so intensively that it's really hard for them to even begin to believe that something like that could change

your session sounded really useful - i've noticed that too. on days where i walk in and feel i have not so much to report, that's when the really work and healing take place.

i think it's because we are relaxed and our minds have space and then new insights have a chance to surface as well as we can hear better what someone else is saying

cheers
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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bug-

once again you have done it for me. talking about yourself...for a minute i thought you were talking about me. i get so worked up over bbeing on time. it drives my W nuts and me nuts. i find, like you did, sometimes its no big deal and things work out just fine. thank you for the reminder. your light shines very bright =)


m:31 W:32
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"""I had avoided another opportunity to ruin a perfectly fine day. I've ruined many good days in the past by being controlled by my anxieties and attempting to keep my false self intact."""

I ruined so many days like this. Before Al-anon and DB I literally didnt know it could be another way. The sun is shinning so much more then it used to.

I have also learned to adjust the timeline in my mind. I have learned that I really didnt think the future would exist so I needed everything to happen now cause in my mind I didnt think next year would actually occur. I also never planned for the future. As an adult I choose a freelance career so I always blamed my lack of planning on not knowing what job I would have, but really it was me not trusting the future would come.

The future will come. Healing and change take time. Believe.


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ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
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Another vote for "bug just described my (formerly) normal thought process." The way that you were able to turn it around by asking yourself those questions reads like a real expert manual. Thanks for sharing this.

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It's no surprise that the world sometimes seems so fu*cked up when so many people are running around stressed with their own anxiety fueled agenda.

It feels so good to know that I can control that now and if I don't it means I just have more work to do, not that I am a terrible person.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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It feels so good to know that I can control that now and if I don't it means I just have more work to do, not that I am a terrible person.

agree - and in doing that work, taking ourselves one step closer to who we genuinely are.

started listening to pema again - getting unstuck.

she talked about becoming really comfortable with who we are and where we are, and in totally accepting that and relaxing into it, it opens up the space very gently and then we can see ourselves and what we can do about it.

a long and gentle process..


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Had some difficult moments this weekend but managed to get through it without my old slash and burn reactions.

Some of it was only tangentially related to my sitch but today is IC day so I can work on that.

I went to a music night at the home of some long-time friends. It was a lot of fun but a conversation with my friend left me stirred up. The daughter (17) of this couple is building a little house and I've helped with that process. H has been helping her with the electrical stuff. I new she was going to ask him but didn't realize he had agreed and had been working with her. We were looking at the house which I hadn't seen for awhile and I saw that the outlet boxes were in and remarked on that. There was a bit of an awkward pause and friend said "Yeah, she's been working with H on that."

I was taken aback because even after all this time it's weird to not know what he's been up to. I said "I knew she was going to ask him. I'm happy he's helping her."

Then I noticed they had a little scaffolding in the house and I remarked on that and how helpful it is to have one. Friend said: "Yes we got that on Craigslist and we'll be able to sell it when we're done." I said, "That's what we ..." stopped, looked at friend and asked, "You got that idea from H, didn't you?" "Yes, but I didn't want to say that to you."

Later we were talking and she shared that when they were discussing other ideas for the house and asking for his input he said several times "Well, LaBug would probably do it (blahblah) way," or "LaBug might have a better idea on how to do that."

So, even tho it was a fun evening, I was churning when I left and continued to think about my feelings around those discussions yesterday. My honest inventory: happy that he still thinks about me, happy that he respects my knowledge and creativity, sad/jealous that others know more of my H than I do at this time in our lives.

Positives, I recognized that these are feelings and they will pass. I didn't react in any way, I didn't email him with, "Friend told me you were helping on the little house. Great job!"

It's still a roller coaster at times but now it's more like the one in the kiddie park.

Challenging insights/questions welcomed.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hey Bug, Sorry the roller coaster took off unexpectantly but glad the ride wasn't as rough as it has been. That's a positive.

Another positive I see is that your H thought of you and in a way that was complimentary of your abilities.

As you know, my W is on her second summer away. Its not to the degree you face but I do have a small idea of what its like to have others be more active in my W's life than me. No fun at all. And that goes back to expectations doesn't it.

This has been a very long journey for you and its still going on. That's hard and I hate it for you. I've very glad you can see these feelings deal with them and move forward. That says so much about you.

Glad you still had fun and I hope your week goes well. ((Bug))


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Bug,

Not sure if there are any challenging things to say...

You guys spent years together. He is going to think about you occassionally, just as you are going to think of him.

It is part of life and just because someone isn't in our lives anymore doesn't mean they are gone from our thoughts, memories, or hearts.

I had a similar experience this weekend. Went out with BF to meet a friend of his...to a place that he and his X went occasionally. Listened to a band that they used to go to see. It was wierd.

Have to admit that I was grateful that we didn't run into her but that has happened before too... and will again in the future I'm sure smile

Something that I have had to remind another friend in the past, is that now we all have baggage. We aren't kids. We had people in our lives and the people we meet had people in their lives before us.

Sometimes those paths will cross again.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Quote:
I was taken aback because even after all this time it's weird to not know what he's been up to.


I know exactly what you mean. It's the surprise factor I think. And the reminder that just because you're dark it doesn't mean his life doesn't go on.

When H told me about a museum he and GF went to, he mentioned that they had a portrait of someone I liked. And I wondered if he'd mentioned that, if the that thought had been uncomfortable to him while he was there. Why? It doesn't matter.

You are still a big presence in his mind, because you've shared so much your likes, your dislikes, the advice he could hear you giving in his head doesn't just go away. Same way it doesn't for us. Take that as a positive if he felt funny about what they might say about you, he wouldn't have brought up your name.

I would say look at why you think that upset you or threw you for a loop. Wasn't it you that told me it's usually got something to do with what you fear? What is it about that moment that upset you what fear is it connected to and how can you heal that?

I know for me what the fear was when I heard about his life...but it might be a different fear for you. Only you can answer that.

Be proud of the way you responded.

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