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#2245623 05/16/12 02:43 PM
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labug Offline OP
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Last thread: Room for Improvement

That Sting song plays over and over in my head when I'm here on the boards.

Must mean sumthin.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: labug
If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"

If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.


You're probably right. It really used to scare me when I was new here that people would say basically that you have to let go of your marriage, when the whole reason you came was to save it.

But I've been down a lot of cheeseless tunnels and almost every mistake I've made had to do with not being detached enough.

Thanks for the great advice. I think I'm nearly ready for it.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
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When H once told me "I have no interest in looking at the past and trying to rekindle. If we have something in the future a spark then it will be us getting to know each other know and building a new love story" I thought that meant there was no hope if he wasn't looking to see what was wrong. But I get it more now.

I feel like I've taken my marriage, packed it all away in a box and put it to the side, a bit like Christmas decorations. But he's still there and I'm just trying to appreciate him, relate better, and be me.

I like your new thread title!

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I read a book once, can't remember the author, that said sometimes you have to give your R a brush with death in order to have a rebirth with a new R. Now, there have been MANY, MANY, times I have wanted H's death....LOL, but I never really got the gist of the idea until a little while ago. The old R has to die...one really does need to bury it. It's gone. I believe that is where the GAL comes in, and the need to focus on oneself comes in.

I liken it to an activity I do with my students. I have them make a "friendship" recipe card. On it they list the ingredients that are needed in order to have a great friend. I tell them in order to have friends, you have to be a person that a friend would want to have.

In our sitches, we have to be partners that WE would want to have. This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn, and I still have a loooooooooong way to go. But in time, I feel like I will be an AWESOME partner that I would want to have around.

**At least that's the plan**

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zig Offline
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i love what you wrote AprilT - that's a great way to look at it - i think i'll go write my own "partner recipe card" and focus on how i can be that

labug - i love your thread title - that song has been in my head for the past couple of days also - i really feel as if i'm finally starting to set h free, and subsequently beginning to feel my own freedom - just the first twinges. but who says we don't have to make baby steps also


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Ahh man labug, now you have that song going through my head!

Originally Posted By: labug

If your only reason for being here is to "Save My Marriage" you will be stuck in the same place a year, 2 years, forever. Lay down the save my marriage banner and pick up the one that says "Save Me"

If you're here to improve yourself, get rid of some old baggage and are open to the process you just might create a new life for yourself. It may or may not include your spouse but that might no matter.

So true. We can set our spouses free to make their life what they think they want it to be. We can give them the freedom to see how it works for them. In the meantime, we have the freedom to make our lives the way we want them to be. If the two paths converge so be it - everyone wins. If the paths don't converge, we're still better people.


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
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labug Offline OP
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Yes, jb, I think that's the way it has to be, that's the way it is.

We can only control ourselvs.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Jb, that is exactly right. We have to let them live their lives and make their own mistakes, while we do the same. And when we both figure out what path we're on and what we really want in life, we can then decide if we can take that path together.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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So true....the only question is the amount of time it takes for the paths to diverge or converge.......when to make the call?


H 51, W 46
no kids
T 22 years
M 17 years
ILBNILWY 2/10
1st D talk 6/10
partial recovery
W files D 5/11
long distance separation 8/11
moving forward on D 10/11
legal separation complete 1/2012
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That's the tough part. I'm one year in and haven't given up yet. I still don't think we've even begun to take our own paths yet, so it could be awhile.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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