i've already been acting like it's not bothering me. in december when he planned to take off for 12 days after x'mas, i let him know that i had found out and HAD KNOWN for 2 whole months - incidentally during that time, i behaved impeccably (and he knew it - i had been friendly and co-operative etc during that whole time. the old me would have undoubtedly bitched and been pissed off in various ways)
he asked me if i was angry and i shrugged quite casually and said - no, this is not any more bigger or more important that the whole picture.
what you described in your r with your h - it's exactly the same here - and we have talked about it several times. he's not able to let go of that image of me - no matter how different my reactions are now.
i have not once got angry since this S about anything difficult he has told me - and there's been plenty - and he still insists that that's why he doesn't tell me. well - time + changes , you know?
it's taking him a long time to understand this. but i don't take it personally any more. if he chooses to function that way and make things more messy, his problem. i don't feel as if i need to own that in anyway any longer.
So long story short - if you act like it doesn't bother you, H will notice because a) it's different from how you reacted in the past and b) he'll realize he can be more open with you and c) he can face whatever emotions he has to deal with as consequences of his actions. Does that make sense?
yes that makes a lot of sense. i'm not 100% confident i can carry it off, but i have become quite the actress through all of this.
i like your approach to it, and yes it will make life a lot easier. i think in the past few months i haven't been able to attempt that because i thought- if i give him the impression i don't care, then he'll think i don't want to go on with the R.
but it's the opposite of that isn't it.
i have told him many many times when he used to test me about how i felt - that i am happy for him that he has found what he needs and that he's so happy. (he always insists how happy he is - and he looks so goddamn miserable when he says it!!)he's always looked terribly pained when i've said that. in dec when he told me he was going for 12 days, i actually said with a smile on my face - that's great - you guys get to spend time together - it must be really hard for you being so far apart.
was that overboard - i actually really meant it - and was sincere - heck - if he's gong to do it - he might as well enjoy it instead of being so f'ing agonized over it!!
so is your name Vera? that's my mom's name - i've always thought it was a beautiful name - for beautiful people.
thanks for your thoughts - i shall put them to good use.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
forgot to mention, that last night while mil and i were "sorting" things out, she told me that when h informed them that ow was going to be here and not to stop by , she asked him whether he had told me. his reply was 'no, zig has asked me not to tell her what's going on and i am going to respect that even though i would prefer to.
okay question - apart from the situation regarding s and keeping him out of it, which h is making clear HE wants to do also, WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW? from his point of view?
is it just the practicalities, or is there possibly something in the WAS's mind where they have some need for their spouse to know what they are doing?
i've puzzled over this for months. is it my own resistance to wanting to know that is more telling, or his need to need me to know that is more telling here?
ugh!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i didn't have to deal with it - he didn't bring it up. instead he wanted a smoke together on the deck and we talked in a surprisingly relaxed manner about s - laughing and joking a bit. the conversation was almost with an intimate tone at times.
he kept giving me these rather "piercing'" looks - sort of intently.
i stayed very sweet and relaxed - which i did feel, and very happy inside myself. i know that i look wonderful these days - and very happy and very confident.
i kept the conversation as brief as possible and got up before he did - which made him realize that they better get going. i had had a disco channel playing on pandora when they came in, and there was an abba song on (whom i absolutely love - heck i'm indian and indians love abba!!!!). and at the door, instead of being all painful as he usually is, he sort of danced a little bit. (which was a bit significant as there's a bit of a story behind that)
very strange!!
i saw them off cheerfully - s was being brave - i could see that but i just let him go off cheerfully with lots of kisses - as many as he could bear that is.
interesting shift - first time after he was with ow that he made contact right away - it usually takes him a few days to be able to "face" me - or at least that's what it felt like. and now, being friendly right away AND the mustache gone?
hmmm
strange times, is all i can say - i'm stable here- not getting affected and facing the reality that tomorrow he could be the opposite and acting the alien.
need to start a new thread. i've had a lot of questions here, and hope they will get answered , but will start a new thread before i get locked in
oh and i worked well today - got my etsy shop opened finally - about time!! need to do a lot of work with that to get it really good - but one step at a time - gonna apply my DB skills to everything - how exciting!!
the best part was talking to my dad this evening - my mom had just told me how he'd had a pretty bad day with his dementia. we had the warmest loveliest conversation, and at one point he said to me zig you sound different , you sound great. and i said yes dad, i feel great. and then he said your voice sounds so confident and happy. and i was so proud to tell him that yes that's exactly how i felt. and it really touched me because he and i are great together but he doesn't really "connect" with anyone more intimately.
so can i have a semi-detachment party now?
heck if i'm doing this well after he's been with ow for 8 or 9 days, i'm on my way to TURTLE LAND!! i'll explain in my new thread.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i'm not 100% confident i can carry it off, but i have become quite the actress through all of this.
Fake it 'til you make it!
Quote:
i have told him many many times when he used to test me about how i felt - that i am happy for him that he has found what he needs and that he's so happy. (he always insists how happy he is - and he looks so goddamn miserable when he says it!!)he's always looked terribly pained when i've said that. in dec when he told me he was going for 12 days, i actually said with a smile on my face - that's great - you guys get to spend time together - it must be really hard for you being so far apart.
was that overboard - i actually really meant it - and was sincere - heck - if he's gong to do it - he might as well enjoy it instead of being so f'ing agonized over it!!
Well, personally, this sounds a little overboard You do sound like you're giving your approval here. It's kind of the the complete opposite of a boundary, in a way. I'm not really sure what the appropriate response would be to that, though!
As for why your H would "prefer" to tell you what's going on - who knows?? It doesn't seem like it's worth the energy to ponder it too much.
And thanks for the note about the name - I'll never tell but what a coincidence it's your mom's name!
You do sound like you're giving your approval here. It's kind of the the complete opposite of a boundary, in a way. I'm not really sure what the appropriate response would be to that, though!