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#2248957 - 05/27/12 02:56 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: labug]
FuzzyBear Offline
Member

Registered: 05/07/12
Posts: 38
Brit, going NC is tough... it was only possible for me due to the pain of contact that was only initiated by me.

Try to stay busy but busy with things that are for you. Things that make you a better person, that are healthy, that make you happy, or that you enjoy.

It helped me to list 5 positive things for myself each day. Like how you enjoyed the river and people having a picnic. Initially, it may be hard but count even the smallest positives! Slowly you will focus more on yourself and become more centered
_________________________
H 34 W 27
M 9mth T 8
Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY
OM 2/'12

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#2248958 - 05/27/12 02:58 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: labug]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
It's possible the rough patch was longer than two months for her and she just kept quiet about it until she couldn't any longer.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2248960 - 05/27/12 03:00 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: labug]
1702 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 133
brit, sorry for hijacking... I'm just in such a dark place!

Then how is fighting to save your marriage not controlling. From what you are saying, throw in the towel, let her go her way, and wait on the back burner until if and when she comes back??

Part I cannot get over is how someone betray another so heinously, and be so selfish.

Some may say it is controlling, but there is very little different in me that when she was falling for me. She is the one that has completely changed, and I am getting blamed for not making the M work.

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#2248962 - 05/27/12 03:08 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: scaredsilly]
1702 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 133
It is always a possibility, but everything got bad after coming off the meds she was on. She only saw things in a negative light when, what i feel, she was going through depression. Not one thing made her feel good. The more I fought to make M better, the more she fell back. When I backed away, I wasn't doing anything to fix things. How can someone "win" in the position?

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#2248968 - 05/27/12 03:30 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: 1702]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9263
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I'm taking this to your thread.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2248989 - 05/27/12 04:13 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: labug]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
(REPOSTING since it got lost above haha...if anyone wants to comment from an LBS perspec I'd appreciate it.)

I started rereading therabbithole's threads because her sitch was so similar to mine. And reading the bit where he'd told her he was in love with the GF and she was questioning why she was hanging on and holding out hope and someone suggested PRIDE is what stops us.

It's so so true. My pride tells me I shouldn't hold out hope. My pride says you can get someone "better" My pride says you don't want to have to tell everyone that you broke up with him and now you're back together. His pride says he can't just stop this R it's unfair, his pride says he can never get over me sleeping with someone, especially someone I work with, someone my friends all know, his pride says my family thinks x, y, and z.

I read this convo her H had with her and I started crying...not sad for myself cry more like look at us...

Quote:
he can't even look me in the eye or look at me without remembering the arguments, the sadness, the way he felt unsuccessful, not smart, and that he couldn't do anything right. He said he can't imagine me coming home from work, sitting on the couch, and us NOT arguing about something.

this is almost word for word what he said to me on Tuesday.

Quote:
He said that he constantly felt like I was controlling, that he couldn't do anything right, and that even when he got what he wanted he felt guilty for having it. I said "I can imagine that you did. I didn't treat you very well, and at every pass I was criticizing you, and trying to prove a point. I was so guilty of not listening to you and I imagine that you felt like you had to ask for my permission to do anything." He said nothing at first.


This easily could have been a convo with us. Instead I told him that I didn't want to be selfish, I didn't want to be controlling that I did all that because I was so scared of being taken advantage of and thought I needed to protect myself. I told him that story about how I now know I didn't listen to him and his needs.

I guess re-reading this...made me feel that we aren't so far gone as I thought. Or once again we aren't so uncommon. I don't know if he will ever trust me to not leave, or if he'll ever forgive me for leaving him, treating him with contempt, or dating after we split. And I'm not sure how much of that is under my control or what actions I can take to show him that. I feel like the best way to do this is what I posted above....making changes for me while no one is looking. Not dating casually, not getting trashed and doing things I regret, working on loving myself, healing my feelings of unworthiness.

In my very first post I'd asked about what I could to show him and everyone said...just detach stop pursuing. It's taken awhile but it's getting thru my thick skull. 3 days no contact.

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#2248996 - 05/27/12 04:23 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: Brit45]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
brit-

my WAW is very controlling. i do fear getting back with her. i always had to ask for "permission". it got to where i just said i didnt care what we did, because i didnt want to argue. it is still like that now, although i am starting to stand up for myself. she doesnt like it because it is different. my wife has always been a runner. whenever it didnt go her way, when i wouldnt back down, she would take off.

she also is running into a new R and in party girl mode. it is good to hear, you see that about yourself. how unhealthy it is, and you are doing something about it. good job.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2249001 - 05/27/12 04:33 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
thank you....yes that's what he's said that he didn't want to argue. When I brought things up on Tuesday I said you never said anything I thought you didn't care and he said I didn't want to argue I didn't want to get yelled at. So when I think about this I think that I really need to try to NOT react to any future bombs anything really.

What would you need to see from your W to feel that it wouldn't happen in the future?

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#2249072 - 05/27/12 11:19 PM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: Brit45]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Brit, Heartbroken
What you guys describe is every bit what was going on in my relationship. The two books that helped me the most were no more mr nice guy, and the married man sex life primer.

A W wants a man she can respect, who stands up to her. She also doesn't want to fight 24/7. I can relate because my W too was controlling, and when things didn't go her way she was a runner. Here's what I had to do.

1. When you make a decision stick to it!! Take charge make the call, listen to your W and if she brings a good logical point change it, if it's just a matter of opinion stick to your original decision.

2. If she runs do not chase. Let her run and cool off on her own, and when she comes back talk calmly to her, and don't budge off your position. (unless she is absolutely right.

3. Make sure she understands what behaviors you will and will not tolerate and enforce them. See #4

4. Practice tit for tat. If she's nice be nice, if she's been insufferable create some distance and let her know that you refuse to interact with her until she can do it in a civil mannner.

A good example is how we used to drive endlessly with her unable to make up her mind, yet rejecting every suggestion I had. In this situation just pick something, and tell her "it's what YOU want". She may get upset in the short term, but will love it in the long term.

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#2249128 - 05/28/12 06:14 AM Re: WAW learning to be a passenger [Re: greenblue90]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Great advice for passive men...what about me? Haha

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