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you impress me. maybe i will go somewhere and just sit. away from all this. some time for just me.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Brit45 Offline OP
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Dakota I will post on your thread but I think it's acceptance

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Brit,

I love to wake up in the morning and read your posts. They challenge and inspire me to start my day. Thank you.

I have been thinking that there are, for each of us, several defining moments in our lives, which create the bulk of who we are and how we are in the world. For us here, this has the opportunity to be one of them and we can choose if it shuts us down or opens us up to ourselves and changes us.

I love how each day you approach your sitch with a heart and mind ready to change and grow. You help me start the day the same way. I am so grateful to you and for you.

Your comments about how you changed over time in your M spoke to me. I heard a psychologist say once that a M should be like a fruit salad instead of a smoothie, so that each person retains their individuality like the fruit does. I like that.

I hope you have a great day, Brit ((( )))


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Originally Posted By: Brit45

Each day I will try to live my life in a way that at the end of the day I can look back and say I had fun doing x today, I found/saw the beauty in x today, and I'm proud of how I lived today.



I am putting this quote up on my mirror today. smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Brit45 Offline OP
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Thank you grace I'm thankfull for you as well!!

I totally 100% agree that there are moments that we look back and see changes. I want to look and say I'm so happy I stopped doing x or I'm so much happier now that I'm doing this.

I put that about each day because the idea of change can seem big and hard. But just each day saying I'm glad I did this. I'm proud that I stayed detached. I enjoyed myself today at the river, spending time with S, Taking joy in passing a group of elderly people having a picnic.

Before I would have been at home being resentful wondering what H and his GF were doing this weekend and being upset that I didn't have plans or someone to share the weekend with. Not now. I'll make my own plans and enjoy myself.

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Originally Posted By: Brit45


Before I would have been at home being resentful wondering what H and his GF were doing this weekend and being upset that I didn't have plans or someone to share the weekend with. Not now. I'll make my own plans and enjoy myself.



I want to get there. I felt like I was half way there and then quickly got pulled down again when my H told me that he was trying to find the right time to end things with OW. He got my hopes way up and deep down I had to believe it wasn't really true.

Feeling like I'm starting over again after 9 months of this...


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Brit45 Offline OP
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Yeah I read your thread and he isn't being fair but none of our sitchs are. Did you read where mine has told me repeatedly that I'm prettier and more fun? He also admitted to me that he doesn't talk about their R and her good points to spare my feelings. So don't believe any of it. Plus who's to say he ends things and he doesn't want to come back?

An A is a symptom not the problem. If she left the country tomorrow, there would still be problems between you two. What were the things that were issues between you before you split? What would you want to see changed and what do you think you need to change? It's easy to fixate and blame the outside person.

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Brit45 Offline OP
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Talked to a friend of mine last night who ended a 7 year R last year. She told me she went through everything I went through. She understood exactly what I was saying. She told me that a month ago a mutual friend was told by him that he regretted no doing MC not working on it more. But she'd already moved on and he never told her this.

She thinks that I will ultimately decide that I am better off and that he won't change. I don't know that to be true. She also said that she knows several men who decided they didn't want emotionally honest R and are quite happy with a w that doesn't want or need that.

I woke up twice from dreams about him. I tried to stop thinking about the sitch and get some rest. I pictured the stop sign. It's hard. One day we'll all heal. I refuse to be a bitter man hater with 10 cats. I want to heal, learn to be a better partner and grow old with someone.

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Brit45 Offline OP
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Oh when I say moved on I mean in her heart. She has not moved on to a new R because she wanted to heal.

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As an update my day is going really well. I did some meditation because I was feeling a bit anxious after dreams this morning and wanted to not think about him. I felt much more relaxed after that.

I did some gardening and it's a good feeling of accomplishment doing work that you can see results.

I listened to some music I love that H would have made fun of. Feeling very relaxed. S is out with friends.

I remembered that I felt really centered when I met H because I'd read The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love and started practicing that. I have The Voice of Knowledge by the same author but never read it. So I'm going to start reading that.

I'm getting that Beginner's Mind thing. I was feeling pressure to do things, enjoy life, plan, make lists...and now I feel like I'm understanding the whole in the moment thing.

And if nothing else I know today's "I was proud" will be this morning I took notice of the anxiety and stopped and did something about it.

When I look back at the past 7/8 months and even for part or times of our marriage, I was living with lots of fear and anxiety as a running current underneath. Am I doing the right thing? How do I feel about this? Should I be doing this? I feel guilt or pain but let's shove that aside and move on. I feel like because we're married it means things should be and they aren't something must be wrong but I don't want there to be...I just feel like there was a layer of turmoil underneath. Even when I left, even I was dating, even when I had a change of heart....and today I don't. Yesterday I didn't.

I can honestly say I feel a sense of peace and calm. I notice that things drift in my head like "he won't be happy with her and he'll miss you" or "one day you'll meet someone who will make you so much happier" neither of these are how I want to see the world anymore. People don't make you happy. You can share your happiness with someone and they can share their's with you but no one can make you happy. I don't know if all this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to feel like we all think our lives can't begin or can't be whole without that other person and that's not true.

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